We're trying so hard to get it all right

[shadowcourage]

Who: Shadow Link, Clef, selected individuals
Where: Training Gym Carriage
When: Merriment 21
What: Emotional Drama
Warnings: Very emotional arguments that involve family.

Shadow knew himself. He had to know himself. If he wanted to be more than a shadow, he had to be aware of his own shortcomings and compensate for them so he could stay on the track that was important to him.

He had known for years Clef didn't understand that. Its why he had kept him at a distance on purpose. He couldn't risk someone being close who didn't understand that.

But he supposed the danger of trying to be a person is person things happened, like emotions sneaking up on you. It was unfortunate. It just meant he had to be more aware of his own feelings. He had to keep the hurt away from his heart.

But Link and Clef have never been able to talk and....

He couldn't stand Link being hurt more.

So he had to try something.

Which is why when he finds Clef during his exploration, he decides its time to try.

"Come with me," he said flatly, in a tone that isn't likely to listen to argument.

Comments

[guru_clef]

He had started to gather his reply, his points, what he was going to say as he listened until what Shadow said about not needing to breath knocked the rest away for a moment. He had to fight with his natural intellectual curiosity which became absorbed in wondering not only how that worked, but how it could be magically replicated. Because this was not the time. But it was fascinating. There was a rather large part of him that wanted to know more.

But the rest of him, the larger part thankfully, was trying very hard to focus on Shadow and what Shadow was saying. "Of course I want to do better! to overcome my flaws! I know I have flaws, everyone does. Why do you think I have been studying so hard on how to protect all of us from mind control?! I know it is one of my weakest points! But I can't just find a solution that only works for me. I need... I have to find a way to protect all of us. Keep us all safe!"

"What do you mean I have never respected your opinion? I have worked so hard, am still working so hard to reshape how I talk and react based on WHAT YOU SAID TO ME! I have tried many times to get to know you! I want to know you!" He looked right at him, desperation in his eyes. "Just because I see you differently than you see yourself does not mean I do not see you, Shadow! I am sure you see me differently than how I see me, we both see Link differently from how he sees himself and differently from how each other sees him! That doesn't make any of the views invalid! And it does not mean I am not desperately trying to get to know you!"

He took a deep breath. He had to say this now, he might never be given another chance. "You made it clear you wanted me to keep my distance, so I have been doing my best to do that, to wait until you WANTED to talk to me. I have been trying this whole time to respect your wishes. So what does that leave me to see? What Zelda and Link say about you, and how you are with them when we're all together! How often you push yourself for their sakes, push aside what you want, for them. You even just said now that you're here to help Link! So why are you so surprised that I see you as a good brother to him and a good person!? You said you wanted to care for me, that is what I wanted too! I have been doing my best to do what you have made it clear you want because I WAS LISTENING!"

[shadowcourage]

"Studying real hard, 'cause ya never asked me once about it. Did ya even ask Zelda? Link doesn't know a lot of magic, but both of us know some pretty big stuff. At least she should," Shadow said flatly. "Also good luck finding books on the subject considering how much of the time feels like a fever dream, especially when yer fighting it. But wow, literally step one would be 'hey Shadow, can ya help us practice?' Use that dark magic for good after all the bad ya did."

"How ya talk to LINK because me being a good brother fit yer world view," Shadow said. "But when it comes to me or things I know outside of that? Don't see a whole lot of that. And the thing about seeing someone differently from how they see themselves? It takes understanding how they see themselves and why. Because then ya can explain yer point and maybe they'll learn something new. Like Link did."

"But ya have never understood why I see myself the way I do. The fact ya didn't even pick up I don't need to breathe is telling of how much ya've paid attention to what I am and what that means. And as for that talking to ya thing? Yer still on that? Because last I checked, ya got that impression when I rejected ya when I was actively lying to Link and Zelda. And I explained that's why I was the way I was in the library. But of course. Of course ya were too obsessed with feeling sorry for yerself to realize that my aggression, in fact, had nothing to do with ya. And everything to do with the lies I was telling and the trouble I wanted to avoid," Shadow said, leaning forward, hair darker, eyes redder.

"Because if we're talking flaws, that's the big one, Clef. Yer egostical. If it doesn't have to do with ya, then clearly its wrong. I can't be doing things because I'm worried about others, its cause I hate ya. Link can't be leaving to keep me calm, its because he's abandoning ya. Things can't be different from yer world because why would it be? Thoughts ya hate can't be an intruder, because ya would clearly know it is. Thoughts that make ya despair can't be dark manipulations, no, its just ya losing hope, so ya might as well die right there," he said, voice a low, angry hiss.

[guru_clef]

"Of course I asked Zelda! And I do know how you see yourself, or I thought I did! That's what has me so worried! But what you are doesn't matter as much as WHO you are, Shadow. Yes, maybe I thought you needed to breathe too, but it's not like that's the kind of thing people ask each other!"

Why did people keep accusing him of having an ego?! There was nothing wrong with understanding his own abilities and power and his own worth! But that didn't mean he saw things the way Shadow said he did! No more than anyone else, anyway! "I never said everything had to be about me, not once! And everyone has thoughts they don't like and argue with themselves! Why should I have thought that was manipulation? By questioning we learn and grow! And I am as allowed to be upset as anyone, aren't I? I work so hard to keep my temper in check, but now I'm not allowed to be upset at all? How is that any kind of reasonable!?"

[shadowcourage]

"What I am does matter for who I am! Its pretty inherent considering I'm the only one of my kind like me I've ever heard about!" Shadow said, throwing up his arms in frustration. "Ya can't divorce the who and the what when the what is a pretty hard thing to make a who out of!"

"Ya don't have to say it, ya act like it. And if ya can't notice when there are weird thoughts, ya will never be able to resist mind control because the ones to fear are the ones who try to not be noticed. Not everyone is gonna go 'bleh, I control ya now,'" he said with a scoff. "And yer allowed to be hurt, yer allowed to be upset. Yer NOT allowed to put the responsibility of being in the situation on yer son. It was the person in control of Diagad and yer own inability to fight back, not Link."