voidtreckerexpress | Chewing On More Than The Meal

Entry tags:

najaran [ou]

Chewing On More Than The Meal - OTA

Who: Najaran, open
Where: Garden Car
When: Every day starting from the first day of the mission until the day before platform.
What: Having discovered she can't go onto this mission, Najaran has a lot to think about, and is throwing herself into chores while she does.
Warnings: Angst, trauma mentions, probably violence mentions, emotionally heavy topics possible.

Najaran had been warned before other missions - and then kept off of them - when the world was hostile without her SCA. This time she had tried to avoid everyone who might have stopped her and...

it was bad.

She made it back to the train and laid down a while to recover, but then she had a lot to think about. And she wasn't used to sitting still and brooding. So while she thought she threw herself into chores, so the people on the mission would come back to clean clothes and fresh food.

The way she saw it there were two main issues.

One was that she refused to be pulled away when she could still help, when people still needed her. But like this, she wasn't able to help anyone at all.

But she realized that... that wasn't the only issue. Because even if she wore the SCA... on a world like this, she was still less than useless, she was a liability.

Because even if the SCA protected her... that didn't guarantee it would protect her friends. She wouldn't let them suffer just so she could go out and...

And what?

Could she value her friends over strangers? Could she value strangers over her friends?

It would kill her if Thunderbeak or Knight or one of the others died because the world itself was hostile to them and she insisted on being there to help. But if she went to help with the SCA and didn't summon her friends.... What then? What skills did she actually have that could help anyone other than being a Cepter?

None.

She would just be someone the others had to protect.

She couldn't even bring Goligan for his wisdom, he had been as bad off as she'd been, practically. Without her cards, without Goligan, she was just a teenaged girl. She could do chores, but what was she going to do? Scrub windows at the monsters?

A tear rolled down her face as she cut the vegetables for the stew she was making. She would blame the onions. And yes, she was still cooking in the Garden Car over an open fire.

After Kigi had died, Najaran hadn't quite minded becoming a virtual slave for a few days, because the chores helped keep her mind off of having lost her friend.

But that was the sort of thing time could heal, could ease. Time spent with Gargoyle and Wall Of Stone, listening to their stories about Kigi. Time spent telling her friends here about what Kigi did, what her people did, to save the world.

But there was nothing time or talking could do about the fact that without her cards she was a klutzy glutton. Sure she could fight with a sword, and she could use a shield, if she had to. But not for long. She just didn't have the upper body strength. Or the coordination. She wasn't Joaquin, she couldn't make potions and elixirs for any problem. She wasn't clever Atla with strategies and courage and fire arm skills. She wasn't Ganz who could swing an axe as large as he was and throw people around like rag dolls. She wasn't Kigi, able to shoot a bow and arrows. She didn't even know if you said shoot a bow or shoot arrows. Ad even if she did, she didn't have a bow. Or arrows.

She had spell cards, but she was forbidden to use those. Because she messed things up whenever she tried.

Because she was useless as anything other than either a Cepter or a servant.

After the first day, Goligan had stopped arguing with her, because what was the point? She wasn't listening. The man-headed cane rested against the huge suit of armor that was helping to peel and cut and otherwise prepare from his seated position in the corner. Naja's smaller creatures stayed close to her whenever they weren't running and fetching for her. Except Woodfolk who was hiding in the soil.

Najaran hardly noticed when people came and went, hardly realized when the days changed over, just got up and went back to chores and brooding. She was still careful with the fire, and to not cut herself or burn herself but otherwise, she was working mechanically, more focused inward than outward.

She didn't even notice when people had come back...

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

"We have lots of time to rest between missions. Even doing chores only takes like a day or so every few days." So she was fine. Besides, she'd be training in that time if she was home.

"Why... can't I do both?" Why was that even a question?

"Naja," Leia said, her 'mom voice' out in full force, "that's not how it works. Stressful and physically demanding situations are when it's most important to take breaks when possible. If you're tired, or distracted by untreated injuries or untended hunger, you will make far more mistakes and be much less effective. That's not being weak, it's just being human. Your body has limits, and while they can be pushed to occasionally, doing so consistently over an extended period will only hurt you."

"And for the purposes of this discussion, both events are happening at the same time, in two different places separated by a significant distance. You can't be in two places at once, so which one would you choose?"

"It's not consistently or an extended period or anything. Just during missions. I'm fine, really!" she assured her, holding up her hands.

"Then... I suppose I send Thunderbeak and Gremlin to deliver the medicine while Knight and the others and I fight the monster till they get back and can help us."

Because that made sense, didn't it?

Leia weighed continuing with the first topic, but ultimately set it aside for the time being. One difficult topic at a time.

"And if using your cards wasn't an option?" she asked. "If they were two different missions on two different worlds, neither of which would be hospitable for your card friends, which one would you choose?"

She dropped her head and her shoulders slumped at that. "Without my cards... it doesn't much matter which I'd choose," she mumbled.

Ah, now they were getting to it. "Why wouldn't it matter", Leia asked.

"Because I wouldn't be able to help," she said, flopping back down onto the ground again.

"Oh?", Leia said. "Last time I checked, you didn't need giant creatures to help distribute supplies, or to help guide civilians to safety away from the fighting and keep them there. Both of those things are very helpful. Just not especially dramatic most of the time." You see what she was getting at yet, Naja?

"I have two feet, and two hands. I can't move fast enough to be of much help with distributing things. And I am a klutz. And I get lost. All the time. How does it help anyone if they have to stop to find and rescue me?" she asked, glaring at the roof of the garden car. "And why should anyone listen to me trying to guide them when I'm shorter than most of them and can't guard the rear or watch from above?"

"You act like people with two feet and two hands, flawed senses of direction, shorter than average height, and lack of flying ability haven't been doing exactly those sorts of things for centuries," Leia said. "And you act like you'd be trying to do them alone, rather than as part of your team. That's part of why we have teams to begin with; to enhance each other's strengths and compensate for each other's weaknesses."

"Have you seen the other people on the train? You're all amazing. I'm just... me without my cards. I just mess things up. If I could use my spells maybe... But I'm not allowed to."

"For good reason," Goligan put in.

"So...", Leia said. "What I'm hearing is that because you feel other people on the train are better than you at certain things, that you shouldn't even bother to try. Does that about cover it?"

"I'm saying if my being there makes it harder then I am just in the way. If I have to be saved too, then I am worse than useless. That sometimes... sometimes stepping back is the best way to help," she whispered. "Isn't it?"

"Even the most powerful person is going to get in over their head and need help or rescue from time to time," Leia said. "That, again, is part of why we have teams; so there'll be someone there to support us in those instances. By not trying, all you're doing is denying yourself the chance to learn and grow, and depriving your team of an extra pair of eyes and hands on the scene."

"Naja, what you're doing doesn't have to be big and momentous to be of help. Even if all you're doing is cooking meals around camp or helping to shift supplies, I assure you, that's very much helpful. Without people to do things like that, people who help in quieter ways, the big, dramatic events wouldn't happen. Everything is connected, and every willing person is needed."

"I guess..." she said, considering that. "I don't know that I can trust myself though not to make things worse. If we're on a world where I can't summon my friends... If I see someone in trouble, I'm not sure I can stop myself from getting into worse trouble trying to save them, or from using a spell Card."

"Well the latter could be avoided simply by leaving your cards on the train for such a mission," Leia said. "There are private lockers in the armory where they'd be perfectly safe until you came back."

"As for the former, you can't know for sure whether or not you'd get in over your head in such a situation. No one can. Sometimes you just have to do what you can and hope for the best. Though I don't suppose I need to point out that your chances of getting into trouble like that would be greatly reduced if you were rearing your SCA." She suspected that Naja knew already, but a gentle reminder couldn't hurt.

Her eyes went huge and she shook her head. "I'll never leave my Cards behind again!" she said quickly.

Then she sighed. "I don't like just... hoping for the best. I want to create it. Or at least.. protect the best that someone else created."

Leia quirked an eyebrow at the reaction to her suggestion about the cards. There was definitely a story there, but now wasn't the time to get into it. She nodded, letting that bit drop for the time being.

"You can certainly do that too," she said. "That's why the saying 'hope for the best, plan for the worst' exists; fortune favors the prepared. But there are always going to be aspects of a situation that are simply out of your hands. It's impossible to plan for everything, and trying will only make you an anxious wreck."

"And sometimes, hard as it is to accept, there will simply be nothing that you can do to help a situation. That's true no matter where you are, no matter how powerful, clever, or skilled you are. Not every situation has the possibility of a good outcome. Sometimes... it's just a choice of what option is the least terrible."

"I can't just accept that! If you accept that there is nothing you can do then you stop trying. And maybe there was something you could have done, you just didn't know it yet!"

"Naja," Leia said, her tone becoming slightly sterner, "everyone has limits. Even with the help of your friends, you have limits. Even with the help of the train and all the people aboard it, there are still limits to what we can do. We can push those limits to a certain degree, but there's only so far that they can be pushed. Eventually, you reach a point where there is literally nothing more that can be done under the current circumstances."

"Refusing to acknowledge those limits doesn't make them go away. And trying to ignore them is dangerous, not only to yourself, but in general. We can argue 'what if's all we like with the benefit of hindsight, but the simple fact of the matter is, in any giving situation, the resources, skills, and knowledge you have available are limited, and that's all you have to work with at the time. You can't just pull more out of the ether. And sometimes? That's just not going to be enough. No matter how much you wish it were otherwise."

"But if you stop trying you guarantee it won't be enough! Even if you're going to fail, you have to keep trying!" Yes, she is a manga protag, whyever do you ask?

Leia sighed. How to get her point across to the well-intentioned but far too stubborn young lady who couldn't quite see the big picture? After a moments thought an idea came to her. After all; she'd been much that way herself when she was younger.

"When I was sixteen, I visited a planet called Wobani," she said. "Wobani was never especially wealthy, but it had always been reasonably happy and prosperous farming world. Until the Empire came to power, that is. The Emperor made a law that imposed quotas on the Wobani farmers that he knew full well were impossible for them to meet. And when the inevitable happened, their land was confiscated by Imperial officers. Those officers had no interest whatever in farming well, only caring about extracting as much profit as they could from it as quickly as possible. And soon what was once a beautiful world was all but ruined by their greed."

"The people of Wobani who'd been rendered destitute by the Imperials were rounded up and forced into refugee camps made of flimsy shelters. Most hadn't been able to bring much more than the clothes on their backs. There was little food, little drinkable water, poor sanitation, no proper medical care; they were desperate. I came on a charitable mission, delivering ration packs; emergency food supplies. But their need was so much greater than I'd realized, and I knew the food I'd brought wouldn't last long. I knew I could do more."

"I asked the the Imperial officer in charge to let me take those who were in the most need of help back with me to Alderaan as refugees. They would be safe and cared for there. But he refused. He wouldn't let me take any passengers back with me when I left."

"Now being the stubborn young thing I was, I wasn't going to stand for that. How dare he not let me help! So I came up with what I thought was an incredibly clever plan. I couldn't take any Wobani citizens with me as passengers... but he hadn't said anything about hiring them on as crew. Which I did. Children, the sick, the elderly, as many of those in most need as my ship could carry, with any justification I could come up with for hiring them."

"Naturally, he wasn't pleased when he discovered my trick, but by them I was already on my way. And everything was legal and official; he couldn't do anything to stop me. I was so pleased with myself at putting one over on the Empire... until I got back home, that is."

"The refugee 'crew' I brought with me were welcomed and cared for, just as I'd hoped. But it wasn't until I talked to my mother that I found out that she and my father had been quietly working on getting all of the Wobani people resettled somewhere where they would be safe and cared for, but because of my little stunt making a fool of the Imperials, they'd never agree to it after that. I'd saved a few, yes, but my recklessness and stubbornness had effectively doomed all the rest of them. She never expected me to go to Wobani- there were plenty of other charitable missions I could have undertaken in places with less Imperial presence-, or if I had contacted her about it, she would have told me, but I just had to go and poke the kryat dragon."

"My point, in case you were wondering," she said, "is that pushing too hard has consequences. You can't just stubborn your way through and expect things to work out. I tried to do that, and a great many innocent people suffered. I didn't have the resources or the knowledge to do what needed to be done to help. I just didn't know it at the time. And I let my outrage and my stubborn desire to prove myself keep me from finding out, until it was too late."

"You want to help, and that's noble. But sometimes you just can't. We just can't. Not in all the ways we want to. Sometimes, a task is simply beyond our abilities. And as much as we may not like it, in those instances, we need to be prepared to acknowledge that. And if necessary to walk way before we make the situation worse."

"Why.... why didn't you go back, when you found out?" she asked, softly.

"A number of reasons," Leia said. "For one, I'd been there on a very specific mission; I'd have to get permission for another one to go back. And after what I'd done, it was unlikely the Imperials would have even let me land, never mind carry out a mission. For another I didn't have a plan, and I still didn't have the capabilities to help them. Relocating an entire population like that is a huge logistical undertaking; I'd have needed probably dozens of ships much large than the one I'd had, all sorts of supplies, there would be a lot of legal arrangements that would need to be made.... And of course, I'd need somewhere to take them; Alderaan could accommodate the hundred or so I'd brought back with me easily enough, but we couldn't just take in most of a planets population without a huge amount of preparation."

"But also? Because I didn't want to make things even worse for them by coming back and harassing the Imperials again. I was a Princess; they couldn't really do anything to me or my world just for annoying them. But the people of Wobani had no such protections. If I kept harassing the Imperial officers in charge, chances are they'd take it out on the Wobani. And I'd already done enough damage as it was."

"How... how could there be legal problems with helping people?" she asked, so confused. This was... definitely one of the ways in which she was very naive.

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