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voidtreckerexpress2021-12-05 01:57 am
motherofresistance) wrote in voidtreckerexpress2021-12-05 01:57 am
Entry tags:
Family therapy
Who: Leia, Clef, Link, and Shadow Link
Where: The Quiet car
When: Orchestra- Day 18
What: Leia tries to help bring Clef and his boys back together again
Warnings: Feelings and possibly some angst
It had taken a little while to properly arrange it, but the four of them were now seated in one of the Quiet Car booth compartments, the door closed behind them to block out distractions from the rest of the train. Leia and Clef sat on one side of the table, Link and Shadow on the other. Each of them had a cup of tea in front of them, and there was a plate of simple sugar cookies in the center of the table; negotiations nearly always went better with refreshments, in this case enough to put people more at ease without being overly distracting. And it felt a bit like peace negotiations, despite the fact that those involved were a family, rather than squabbling bureaucrats or Senators. At the very least, she expected some boundaries would need to be redrawn before they were done.
"Alright," Leia said. "Since I'm largely here as a mediator, a few ground rules before we get started, to avoid this turning into an argument. Everyone is going to respect everyone else's right to speak. No interrupting or talking over anyone; wait until the person who's currently talking is finished. We'll go counter-clockwise around the table and take turns speaking. Myself, then Clef, then Shadow, then Link, then back to me, and so on. If you don't have anything to say at the moment, you're welcome to indicate that the next person should go, but then you'll have to wait until your next turn to speak again. And finally- this hopefully goes without saying, but just in case-, we're here to talk. Which means no weapons, no magic, and no Bending get broken out."
"Now... with that out of the way..." She nodded to Clef, indicating that she was finished.
Where: The Quiet car
When: Orchestra- Day 18
What: Leia tries to help bring Clef and his boys back together again
Warnings: Feelings and possibly some angst
It had taken a little while to properly arrange it, but the four of them were now seated in one of the Quiet Car booth compartments, the door closed behind them to block out distractions from the rest of the train. Leia and Clef sat on one side of the table, Link and Shadow on the other. Each of them had a cup of tea in front of them, and there was a plate of simple sugar cookies in the center of the table; negotiations nearly always went better with refreshments, in this case enough to put people more at ease without being overly distracting. And it felt a bit like peace negotiations, despite the fact that those involved were a family, rather than squabbling bureaucrats or Senators. At the very least, she expected some boundaries would need to be redrawn before they were done.
"Alright," Leia said. "Since I'm largely here as a mediator, a few ground rules before we get started, to avoid this turning into an argument. Everyone is going to respect everyone else's right to speak. No interrupting or talking over anyone; wait until the person who's currently talking is finished. We'll go counter-clockwise around the table and take turns speaking. Myself, then Clef, then Shadow, then Link, then back to me, and so on. If you don't have anything to say at the moment, you're welcome to indicate that the next person should go, but then you'll have to wait until your next turn to speak again. And finally- this hopefully goes without saying, but just in case-, we're here to talk. Which means no weapons, no magic, and no Bending get broken out."
"Now... with that out of the way..." She nodded to Clef, indicating that she was finished.
no subject
Link had wanted his father to take some responsibility. To not need to be the hero. That should have been his first clue it wasn't about doing what people asked of him.
He is. Very much going to keep quiet, put his face in his hand, and squeeze Link's hand. This isn't something he's gonna weigh in on yet.
no subject
“Not the lady who killed a guy on the Network, that’s for sure.”
And then the other part hit Link like a slap to the face. He felt that old frustration bubble up again, lessened a bit by Shadow.
“How would taking in a feral eleven year old help anyone? And do you honestly believe I have that big of an ego to think I’d be doing you a favor? For Din’s sake, I’ve told you before I needed you to be the strong one…to not need me to fix everything.”
no subject
"What I believe Link is saying," she said to Clef, "is that you're special and important to him precisely because it was you who stepped up to adopt him. It was you to first took the time to see and care about him as a child, and a person, rather than just 'the chosen one'. You who loved him enough to think about what he as a person wanted and needed, rather than just expecting him to conform to the role of 'hero' or 'warrior' and solve everyone's problems, no matter how dangerous or ridiculous they may be." Leia didn't know the particulars of what Link had been asked to do in his world, but she knew enough to make some educated guesses. And she was willing to bet that most- if not all- of it would have been considered ridiculous or unthinkable to ask of a child had he not been arbitrarily slapped with the title of 'Chosen One'.
"As an adopted child myself, I can tell you this with certainty: the fact that my parents were under no obligation to be my parents made me love them that much more once I was old enough to truly understand what that meant. I wasn't just dropped into their lives by happenstance. They wanted me. They chose me, out of love. Could someone else also have chosen to adopt me? Of course. But the point is that no one else did. They stepped up, took me in, raised me, and loved me. Just like you did and are trying to do for Link. And that makes all the difference in the galaxy."
She shifted her attention to include Link. "You can correct me if I'm wrong, Link, but by being 'strong' I assume you don't mean being perfect, or stoic, or even powerful. Rather, you simply want Clef to be someone you can turn to with your problems sometimes, rather than you being the one people turn to with theirs, even if he doesn't always have all the answers. A responsible adult who loves and cares for you and doesn't expect you to be the responsible one. Am I right?"
no subject
He took a deep breath. Then looked up at Link. "Don't you realize how amazing having you as a son has been? There is no ego needed to realize that. That's nothing to do with you being strong or being a hero. It's about the joy you bring into the lives of the people who get the chance to get to know you." He looked down again, but was still talking to Link. "Just seeing you coming to talk to me, makes me smile. Working with you, practicing with you. Spending time with you. Even when we argue sometimes. So yes, saying yes to me... was helping me."
Another deep breath. "And of course you can always talk to me about your problems... but..." He closed his eyes again. "I want to be able to fix them... and I don't know how. I'm not... I'm not as good...as what you need me to be... What I should be..."
no subject
"The whole reason I changed was because Zelda acknowledged me," Shadow said, because Clef needed to understand. "It wasn't that Zelda saw me. It was that someone knew me and still saw. It was barely a moment, maybe twenty seconds, but suddenly everything up to that moment that had decided my actions, the anger, the pain, the fear, none of it mattered as much as protecting someone who saw. I'm only the person I am now 'cause of that moment."
no subject
"Like Leia said, I don't need perfect. I don't even need you to fix my problems. They're kinda huge, and I don't expect anyone can actually fix them. Just having you listen is good enough. But, maybe...maybe not fall apart unless someone is actually dead? That...that would be nice too."
He took a breath and nodded again at what Shadow had said. "Don't you understand how much that meant to me? That you were the first and only one to see a kid with a sword and offer him a home? Out of three different worlds I'd been in? That told me you were someone special and worth the risk of letting in."
Link fidgeted with the paper and pen in his hands, glancing down at them as he continued. "I've lost a lot of people, Clef. I can't even remember my birth parents. The Great Deku Tree was my last dad and he died horribly. Navi left me and I'm starting to think I'll never see her again. People I love end up either dying gruesomely or leaving me or they send me away. Accepting your offer of adoption was a huge thing for me. It still is."
He set the paper and pen down and put his hands in his lap, still staring at the items. "It hurts that you think I'm doing this for some weird heroic reason. That you think I'm being some kind of martyr right now. I'm doing this because I care about you and I wanna make things better between us. And...yes, it kind of does take an ego on my end to see that you think I'm a good son."
no subject
"That's one of the most difficult parts of being a parent," Leia said. "Wanting to always protect your children, to be able to solve all of their problems, to keep them from being hurt, and realizing that you often can't. Sometimes because it's beyond your power. Sometimes because it's simply something that your child has to discover or handle on their own, especially as they get older. Either way, watching them struggle is never easy."
"And another thing that's not easy is seeing beyond the persona that people show the world. The Force gives me something of an unfair advantage in that area, but even that's just a starting point. It takes time and effort to be able to see and know someone like that. And as Shadow said, when someone needs that in their life- as both he and Link did- it can be life changing when someone gives it to them."
She smiled slightly at Link's last admission. "Also? I think you may find that it takes just as much ego for Clef to believe that you view him as a good father, which is partly why we're all here. In that regard, you're both very much alike at the moment."
no subject
So he found himself reacting and processing more slowly than he was used to. He stared at the boys in something of a state of shock. "But.... how could anyone see the two of you, talk to you at all, and not want to make you part of their life forever...?" How did anyone look at his boys and not just know how wonderful they are? How could he have been the first to ask Link in all those worlds? Also, this was serving to make him less willing to actually like Hyrule once they finally got there. A whole world that couldn't see how amazing his boys were, save a few people? Also he kind of figured that Saria's father... had he been wrong? Not he was unsure of everything he knew, now.
He missed Zelda. Desperately. She was here, but she also... wasn't. While he still loved this Zelda because her essential self was clearly the same... they didn't have the relationship where he could just sit and talk with her, ask her to clarify weird Hyrule things.
He shook his head a bit, to clear it. This wasn't about his own selfish longing for a good friend who was both here and gone, but about needing to be here for his boys. About getting this all figured and sorted.
"You are a wonderful son," he said softly. "Frustrating at times, undeniably, but wonderful all the same. Having you accept me as your adopted father is something I've never felt worthy of once I came to understand it, Link," he said softly. And the whole rift with Shadow had also driven home how amazing it was that Link had agreed. "And let's be honest with ourselves, Link. We both know that if someone asked you to cut off your own arm, because they needed it... you'd probably do it. Is it really so hard to see how I could imagine you seeing how much I wanted to have you in my life and agreeing for my sake without thinking about yourself?"
He swallowed hard. "I want you to be able to... to feel free to... to say no to people sometimes, but at the same time I am a hypocrite enough to feel terrified that you will one day say no to me still being your father." he swallowed, looking down at the pen, gripping it.
There was more he should say, he knew. But the lump in his throat was too large, he couldn't get words out past it. part of him wanted to say that he was actually partially pleased whenever Link said no to homework or studying because it was expressing his own wants over the wants of others. And in general, he wanted to encourage that, to get Link to put himself first sometimes. Not all the time, but far more often than he did. To see his own value. But he was afraid that if he said that the take away would be, for Link, that he should never study again.
no subject
"Though I agree with Sapling. Like, I can get the ones who could see he has so many issues and realize they're not cut out to deal with that, or how...rumbustious? He is. But why there weren't more offers, that's more like people being stupid or unaware," he said with a shrug. Because that was also true. Link did have a lot of baggage and people can't always deal with baggage, and he's a spirited he knows that can be hard to handle without it.
But there were always kind souls and why someone didn't see the good of him with that, it seemed foolish to miss.
no subject
"I had more offers of marriage than I did adoption." Which was also true, and in retrospect, a little terrifying. Granted Talon had been clearly messing with him. (Hadn't he?) And Ruto was a cultural misunderstanding. Well...on Link's end. Ruto knew darned well what she was doing. "Shadow is probably right about people just being unaware. I could take care of myself, but, a kid of ten or eleven shouldn't be...."
"But, honestly, Clef, the only reason that the Great Deku Tree took me in was because he knew I was fated to be the Hero. If I hadn't, I likely would have died with my mother. That isn't cruelty, although, I know it must sound awful. But, that is how the magic of that forest works. The point is--you should consider yourself special."
Link's expression softened a little listening to Clef continue, but there was a spark of mischief. "Only my right arm, I need my left one to use a sword."
"I do tell people no. Usually it's just you and the ideas you have about me being some kinda scholar. You're actually one of the few people I can tell no. I know that nothing horrible is gonna happen if I do, and that you're not gonna ditch me when I do."
Link nodded his head towards Shadow. "I want you to actually listen to Shadow, though. I don't think you actually process a lot of what he tells you about himself, and that's not ok."
no subject
In the present, Clef's unabashed love for his boys was wonderful... but it was also part of the problem, in particular with Shadow. Loving him to the point of being blind to his faults was just as damaging, in its own way, as seeing only those faults would be. "It's good that you love Link and Shadow as much as you do," she said to Clef, "but for all your sakes, you can't be blinded by it."
"Love and compassion are wonderful and important things, but don't fix everything. Nor are they all that's needed for a stable relationship. Trust is just as necessary. As is understanding. And being able and willing to communicate with each other and actually hear what's being said is crucial in any relationship, especially in a family. Which is also part of the reason we're all here."
"Link is right regarding you and Shadow. It's one thing to think that someone is a far better person than they give themselves credit for, but constantly viewing them through rose-tinted glasses isn't helpful to either of you. You need to love someone with your eyes open, to get to know and understand all of them- or at least as much of themselves as they're willing to share- not just an idealized version of them."
"Clef's also right about you too though Link. All joking and mildly disturbing metaphors aside, saying no- drawing reasonable boundaries for yourself- isn't something you've really been allowed to do in many situations, and that's not your fault. But as you grow, it is a skill you're going to need to learn. Being willing to help people who need it is a good thing, but there needs to be balance."
no subject
Which would be easier if he could use magic to rearrange the sentences so like thoughts were together. He still didn't understand why magic was banned in this situation, really. It was nearly on a level with banning breathing. To his mind, both were needed for a proper intellectual exchange of ideas. Magic was such a useful tool for...
He saw the word he had been writing. teaching and it stopped him. He took a deep breath. He'd been focusing more on Link so far in this meeting, but he needed to also address this underlying issue with Shadow.
He found himself tracing the word over and over again as he gathered his thoughts. So many faces from his past flitted through his mind. And some of them... some of them hurt to think of. He took another deep breath and looked up, looking right into Shadow's eyes if the boy would meet his gaze.
"Listening and agreeing are not the same thing." And though his next words were aimed more at Leia, he didn't look away from Shadow. "And it isn't rose tinted glasses or an idealized version of anything."
He took another breath, and held himself very still, letting all the intensity of what he was saying show in his eyes. Because if he let any other part of his body give it physicality he might lose control of himself enough to break something. and that break might not be physical, might not be something he could mend. Or it could be the table if he let his magic slip. He was trying, but he already wasn't good with emotion and this...
For a moment Alcion's face overlayed Shadow's. But it was just a moment that his eyes went distant before they focused again. He fought to keep his voice even. "There are people that I have trusted with everything, that I have loved, that I have trained. Not the way I love the two of you, I see that now, and have for a while. But at the time?" He fought to shove the pain back. He broke off that sentence and started again, verbally regrouping. "When Lantis left. When Zagato kidnapped the princess, when people joined him and helped him destroy our world and betray our people... I realized then that I clearly had never known them as well as I thought I did." A hard swallow. Another deep breath. These wounds went deep. Some of these people he had trusted for centuries. He fought the tremor that ran through him, moved his hands under the table after setting down the pen.
"I loved and trusted them. They betrayed the princess, they betrayed their world, they betrayed us all. I cannot let myself be swayed by our shared past. Not when they are actively trying to kill people I protect and are helping Zagato hurt the princess and destroy our world."
Another deep breath.
"But that doesn't go a single way. I cannot judge them for having turned against everything they were and react to that without judging you in the moment you've told me where you turned away from everything you were. You see the bad things you did in your past. I see the choices you have made to make that the past. I see the choices you make now. I see the people you spend your time with, I see who you are now. I am not ignoring what you did once, but I am seeing that that is no longer who you are. Just as they are no longer who they were. There are certain thresholds that once crossed are not crossed back. There are points of no return in our lives, for good or for ill. You chose. That is what I see," he said firmly.
Another deep breath. This was also hard to say, but in a different way; for different reasons.
"When we were in Naut, and Link and I were... the way we were at the gate," and he still hated himself for how he had been then. Didn't hate Link for his part, just himself. Well, himself, Endos, and Papillon. "No one would have blamed you if you had attacked us to stop us, least of all us once we were ourselves again. Given the impermanence of death there, no one would have blamed you if you had killed us to stop us." His shoulders squared. "No one but you," he said firmly and clearly. "You stopped us in a way that hurt no one. That kept not only everyone you cared about safe, but everyone else there that could have been collateral damage. That is the choice you made."
This still hurt to say, but was also easier to say. The conviction was clear in his voice. "When you came after me in the library, I could see how deeply you cared. How hard you were trying. I saw you. I still see you. I may see you differently than you see yourself, but that does not mean for one second that I do not see you. I took your words to heart. Not only with how I treated Link, but others I loved. Including you. I waited, I will continue to wait, in hope that one day you will see me as family. But I stopped bringing it up except in cases like this where it came up because we are trying to be honest with each other on a deeper and more visceral level than typical interactions require. I do not want it because I see some fictional version of you, Shadow, but because I see you, and I have for a long time now, by your scale."
There were other issues that needed to be addressed that had come up. Some that hadn't, probably more than he realized. But this... this was important too. And it needed the weight of focus.
Because he loved both of his boys, and the both meant more to him than anyone he'd ever known before arriving in Naut.
no subject
Clef caught Shadow's eye and he looked to meet his gaze. But as he spoke, the amused look faded, face slowly becoming more and more blank as he spoke. His grip on Link's hand shifted, moving to hook his arm around his, leaning against his side, the subtle twitching of his form leaning towards Link, a few wisps curling around him.
An anchor.
"Except ya don't," he said, voice dull. "And the example ya gave is the exact proof of what ya see. Because what yer seeing is a choice that Link would have grappled with. Ya see the choice that Vio made. Ya know, when I discovered his betrayal, I was so...surprised. I had been able to predict them over and over and I understood Vio figured out how to turn that trick against me, but he did the one thing I couldn't think of."
"He could still kill me after we became friends. Because it was for the greater good. He could smile and pretend and care and have the selfish desire to want me in his life. And still choose to be the hero. I had watched them struggle against other knights, the innocent, go so far because they had to save Zelda...I never thought for a moment he could make the connection and go through with it. I didn't take account for the fact that unlike the rest of them, I was either removed or they lost, and he couldn't make any other choice," Shadow said, voice distant, detached. "That isn't something I can do."
"Killing y'all was never an option at the gate. Maybe fight, but I dismissed that because I couldn't hold back and win and killing wasn't an option. Doing nothing was an option. What I did was an option." He threw up his free hand. "Joining Endos was an option, I thought about it because hey, he could make them not care about Hyrule and then they wouldn't care about my lies. But I don't choose to do the greater good for the greater good. I did what I did because I didn't want Link and Zelda or even ya to hurt and that was the best way to minimize damage."
He breathes deep and lets it out. His voice is still dull and detached. The shadows of his body, however, are curling more and more around Link, his normally purple hair now black, his eyes a paler blue. Because controlling his form is difficult when he's having a lot of emotions and something in his forced composure had to give, and the voice is more important. "Because I'm selfish. If its between the world and what I want, I will choose what I want. And I want these people to want me in their life, I want their lives to be easier than they are. I want to fulfill the words Zelda spoke to me, I want them to be proud of me, I want them to be happy, I want them to see me, I want them to know even if my motives are selfish, my care is genuine. And they are enough to ignore my worst impulses. They are enough to be a better person then I would be on my own. Because fundamentally, I'm not that different. I'm selfish, I'm prone to anger, loneliness, obsession, I have all these dark thoughts. And I will still choose what I want over the world. I just understand the choices I made did nothing except get all the pain in me outside, but it didn't make it better. I didn't change everything that I was. It was only a few things, but mostly it was willing to face reality for the first time, and being offered a hand to do something new."
no subject
"Clef." Link took inhaled and shook his head. "First off, people would have been pretty peeved if he'd killed us, top of that list being Zelda herself. Can't lie, I'd have been pretty miffed too." A fleeting smile for Shadow, before continuing.
"Secondly, you keep saying the same things over and over to Shadow. And the result is the same each time. You're an intelligent man, Clef, find a different approach for a new result. I know you mean well, but, you're really, really, bad at listening to anything you don't want to hear. And I'm tired of seeing him get hurt, because you think your view of him is the only right one. I want so badly for you to be proud of him for who he is, not who you think you see."
no subject
Her and now, she listened carefully to what everyone had to say, considering her own reply as she did so. "Honestly, Clef, both of them are right," she said. "When it comes to Shadow, you're seeing what you want to see, rather than what's really there. His choices- good and bad- are his own. You can't judge him by the same metric as you would Link, or any of the others you mentioned."
"Despite his name and origin, Shadow is no one's double. He's his own individual with his own motivations and desires. You can't just assign motivations to his actions that you feel are more fitting. Doing so- however well meant it is- is highly disrespectful to him. It belittles him, his feelings, and any effort he makes to better himself, because by doing so you're effectively saying that his own desires and motivations are irrelevant or not good enough. That to be considered a good person in your eyes, his motivations and desires must fit with your expectations."
"I know that's not at all what you intend to imply," she added, heading off the protest she could see coming, "and so do they. But the fact that the hurt was unintentional doesn't mean it's not real. Shadow's path to becoming a better person is hardly a traditional one. But it's his, and it's as valid as any other. And until you can see and accept that, I'm afraid we're going to be at a bit of an impasse."
no subject
The urge to rant and scream, to call people names, to jump up and down... he didn't know why it was there, why it would vanish for decades just to reappear stronger than ever. He was seven hundred and forty something, for Ceiphro's sake, why did he still have that impulse to act like a child? And why did it seem to happen most often in moments when being an adult and communicating clearly was so very important?
He forced the twitch in his limbs and the accent that always came out when he lost his temper down. It took effort. His frustration was so strong it was like a living thing trying to burst out of him.
He managed not to scream, or to lose control of his pronunciation, but some of the frustration leaked out in his tone, he couldn't help it.
"Of course his motivations and desires are good enough, but how are you all missing the heart of what he's saying?" he asked, frustrated. He felt trapped by the small space between chair and table, by the small carriage, to be honest the train felt small and confining. He wanted to pace, where pacing meant a path that spanned miles of sky. Or possibly acres of grasslands.
"Look at what he said himself he wanted!" he said, aiming his words at Leia, because that...
That would hurt less. Not himself. But Shadow. He hoped. He didn't think him snapping at Leia would change her opinion of him or hurt her. But he'd already seen the effects of his fraying control on his boys. This was the best he could do, talk to Leia, but with words meant for them all to hear. Fight to keep his accent from slipping to keep himself from seeming more like Presea on a tare than the educated mage he is meant to be.
"Look at the people he chose to let himself love! To want approval from! Link. Zelda. They are two of the best people I know in so very many ways! I'm not saying what he wants is what he wants because he shares my morals, but because what he wants is fundamentally good! Perhaps not in a direct point A to point B way but even roundabout, he is choosing good! He is choosing to emulate Link and Zelda for their approval perhaps, but why would he want their approval if they didn't have his approval?!"
He was shaking with the effort it took to stay in his seat.
"Saying that he would choose them over the world is" a self deluding statement but he managed to stop himself from giving those words voice, and said instead "a statement with a lot of emotional meaning perhaps," he managed. "But in practice? In practice he knows Link and Zelda well enough by now to know that they would always choose the world over themselves. They have done so. Countless times. I've known them less long than he is, and even I can see that. I suspect everyone on the train can tell that by now already. And Shadow was smart enough to see we were controlled at the Gate! He knows this is a thing, and specifically has empirical evidence that Link and I, at the least, are able to be controlled in that way. If Link or Zelda ever said they wanted to see the world burn - any world - I think Shadow's first reasoning would be that something was wrong with them. Because he knows them better than that!"
He would have run a hand over his face, but he was now holding the table so hard he would have left hand prints if his body at all reflected his power or age in a way other than Ceiphro's.
Finally he turned to Shadow, unable to keep himself from doing this, frustration bringing him to near tears that his wonderful boy couldn't see for himself how wonderful he was. "You said it yourself. You could have chosen to join Endos. That it was tempting. Not because you wanted to destroy things, but because it might have brought you short term closer to Link and Zelda." And himself, maybe? Maybe. He couldn't focus on that now o his point would get muddied. More lost than it already was.
"You didn't want us to get hurt. So you did what could have gotten you hurt."
No, wrong path. Try again. Deep breath, Clef.
He took a deep breath then said, trying so hard to be calm, but losing it, "Why is it all or nothing with you and Link when it comes to selfishness?!" And... he lost control of his accent and his temper flared, making his motions jerky and twitchy as he fought against them. "Ya can have selfish thoughts and wants and be tempted by them without bein selfish! Ceiphro, wanting things you want IS NOT SELFISH OR EVIL! Ya can want and even take steps to what ya want without it bein a mark against ya if ya don't hurt anyone doing it! Or if you accidently do an ya try an make amends..."
Blast it all. He struggled to try and control himself, a tear escaping. "Just like Link needs to learn to say no more often, to..." fighting so hard for control "to accept that he has a right to actually put himself first sometimes, you have ta..." dang it "to... you have to accept that wanting things, even wanting things you think is wrong doesn't make you evil, Shadow. I want you all to come and move to Ceiphro with me, for us to all stay there forever. I want it desperately. I honestly think you all would love it there, and while I know that if it was a visit, you could all be happy there for a time, I also know that Zelda and Link at the least would never abandon Hyrule, and that while I don't know if you would or not, I know you'd never abandon them! You;d all be so fixated on doing what is right for Hyrule that if some power or entity ever tried to force you all to stay on Ceiphro, the three of you would fight against it with all you had. AND I'D BE THERE HELPING YOU. Because while what I want more than anything is for us to all be a family living happily there, I know that is a selfish want as long as it isn't what you guys want. So I'm not going to force it. I might bring it up from time to time, but I would never truly honestly push it, I would never try to twist your arms metaphorically or otherwise, because I know it is a selfish wish. But I still allow myself that dream, that day dream. I want it, but more... I want you three to be happy and healthy. I want you three as safe as is reasonably possible. Even if that means I'm stuck in Hyrule for the rest of your lives. And you better beleive I'm going to do everything in my reasonable power to find a way to make those lives as long as possible!"
He winced at how loud he'd gotten at the end there, chest heaving, heart pounding since the words at the end had come out in such a rush that he had been forced to chose between breathing properly and keeping his accent in check. Breathing had lost out. He could breathe after. But words once said couldn't be unsaid.
Of course now terror was washing through him and he was worried that he'd said the wrong things anyway.
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Shadow was listening, he was, and honestly this is why he had been pushing the Link and Clef issues first and foremost. Because that? That was fixable, he was sure of it. It was just working out an understanding, sorting through feelings for two people who were bad at their own feelings.
But him and Clef? He wasn't sure. He couldn't be sure because the more he listened, the more those resentful, bitter feelings squirmed. He didn't care about the raised voice or the frustration, he can take dramatic emotions thrown his way...
In the end, it was about the context of the words. And the one, single, important fact Clef just Would Not Accept.
"I. Am. A. Shadow." He snarled, eyes going white, face dark, and a hand grabbed his notepad just to shred through a large chunk of the papers. "Ya keep looking at me like I'm a human, a Hylian, a species that is normally a person. I am an anomaly. Half the reason I like nerd stuff and books is 'cause its my intelligence that lets me try to be more then base instincts. To be more then the thing that just wants to keep Link forever or attack or destroy anything that upsets me!"
His chest is heaving, but there is no actual air moving in and out of his mouth as some sense of color returns, but its muted, washed out. "Ya know why I 'let myself love them?' Because I am incapable of being indifferent. I can love 'em, I can hate 'em, but I'm always going to feel a desire for connection for good or ill. I can't ignore they exist because is it a fundamental part of me I can't ignore Link and its apparently a thing where he can't ignore Zelda, and that transfers because I was not meant to be a person. And this isn't me quesitoning my personhood, I know I'm a person, I just also know I'm a freak of nature for it!"
"No, the real miracle is I gave a single flip about YA! That is the challenging thing for me to feel because that is alien and foreign and that's why yer continued denial of who and what I am hurts because I let ya in and ya threw it in my face!" Shadow hissed, claws digging even more into the paper. "And that's why Link had to drag me away on Diagad because I would have hurt ya because here's the thing about my selfishness, we know for a fact I can kill countless innocents if it was getting in the way of what I wanted because I did it. I could kill my owner because I tried. This isn't me thinking wanting to be happy, or putting myself first, or whatever is bad, its knowing if I don't keep properly motivated, I could easily destroy lives for my own selfishness without a second thought. I love Link and Zelda and my owner and my princess enough to try and be better, but that doesn't change the fact I am that person. That I will always be capable of it."
He's shaking, leaning harder into Link. "And its not that they're heroes I love them. Their heroics is way low on the list of things for me to admire. I admire their courage, their determination, their will, and that goes into heroics, but its not the heroics I care about. I like Zelda's calm, I like her intelligence, I like how she views shadows. I like Link's spirit and humor and how crafty he is. I like how they both try to actually understand me and accept that I'm doing my best despite my flaws. That they helped me maintain my efforts when I was faltering. And I understand their loneliness and I just....want that to not be the case, and that is why I keep trying to help ya and Link because he loves ya so much and ya love him and he deserves it, because I would gladly drag 'em to a peaceful place if they would go too. But ya keep trying to say we're family, but I don't need a father, but I wanted to have someone I care about see me who I know was totally separated from a shadow impulse, but that is separate of ya and Link and ya two can fix it, but we can't because ya just. Won't. Look at me!"
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He'd address a lot of Clef had been saying, but, first, Shadow. Link shifted his stance so he could pull Shadow in with a one-armed hug. "Thank you," he said quietly. "Thank you for doing this. For helping arrange this. I know this is more than a little painful for you."
Link gave him a squeeze and added. "But, don't call yourself a freak of nature. You're unique. And eventually, he'll understand. Because, this is a hill I'm willing to die on."
He turned his gaze to Clef. "I think he answered your question about why it's all or nothing with us. But, that aside....why would you start yelling? I told you that you were hurting his feelings and your response was to double down and yell at us. I--I don't understand that. You seem to think that acknowledging someone's flaws is somehow loving them less. Is it because you can't accept your own flaws or something? Because, blindly loving someone isn't healthy. And it's not really love when you pretend the worst of a person doesn't exist."
Link took a deep breath and shook his head. "Are you capable of apologizing? Without following it up with a justification as to why you're right and we're wrong?" He hadn't meant it to come out as condescending, it was a sincere question, but frustration did creep into his words.
"I...think I need to point out to you that Zelda, Shadow, and I live in three different Hyrules. When Zelda sent me back, that Hyrule was basically sealed off from me. The Hyrule I live in has never seen Ganondorf take over. He was awaiting execution last I heard. Apparently spectators aren't allowed, and some sage is going to be executioner."
Link sighed. "That's why I'm not recognized as a hero back home, outside of the Zelda from that time. The things I did never happened there. I know who and what I am, but, no one else does. Shadow, is from a few centuries later. Between my time and his there have been a few crises because of that damned Gerudo."
He stopped and hesitated. "Sorry, that derailed a little. My point was, the three of us in one spot is pretty impressive. Whether it be here or in Nautilus. I'm grateful for the opportunity, every day. To be here with all of you." The last thing he wanted was for Clef to feel excluded by his comments, so he made sure to make eye contact with his last statement.
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"I'm with Link on the subject of your uniqueness, Shadow," she said. "Being one of a kind doesn't make you a freak of nature. In fact, in your case, I'd say it's a sign of strength. Overcoming your worst impulses and working to become a better person is seldom easy, no matter what your species, even with help. The fact that you are who you are now is a testament to your hard work, not something that happened by chance."
"As for you, though, Clef... where do I even start?", she said with a sigh. "You do realize you're doing exactly what I told you not to do- namely disregarding Shadow's own feelings and motivations and trying to assign ones to him that you feel are more suitable- don't you? No matter how much you want it to be so, that's not what Shadow thinks and feels. He's told you that. Link's told you. And I've told you. You simply can't tell someone, 'no, you don't feel that'. It doesn't work that way."
"You're not acknowledging Shadow's feelings as valid. You're not respecting his opinion and perspective. You're not acknowledging the fact that you hurt him, apologizing, and trying to do better; as Link implied, you're trying to be right. And in doing so you're not only implying that your view of the situation is the only valid one and entirely dismissing his, you're also completely missing the point."
"This isn't an argument about facts and logic, where someone can be objectively right or wrong. It's about emotions and perspective. Instead of apologizing, acknowledging the hurt you've caused and trying to heal, you're trying to win, in a situation where there's nothing to win. In short, Clef, you're acting like a kriffing stubborn jerk."
"And for goodness sake, stop holding all that tension back. If you grip the edge of the table any harder you're likely to snap it off. I hereby give you permission to yell at me, swear at me, call me names, poke me with your staff, whatever it takes to get that out of your system before we move on, because you trying to bottle it up isn't doing anyone any favors right now."
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"I'm not trying to win or be right or any of that!" he yelled. "And yelling..." he tried so hard to figure out how to explain without hurting Link's feelings again. "It isn't always anger, okay? It's not anger now!" It was frustration and pain and just... having too much emotional energy. In hindsight, he's never dealt well with strong emotions, they almost always led to screaming and insults which turned it into an argument, which drained off the emotions so he could process again.
It... probably wasn't healthy, but it was who he was, and he'd been trying and failing to fix this part of himself for centuries.
Well, no. Actually, he hadn't, he realized. Because he was rarely emotionally invested in anything enough for it to come up with anyone other than Presea. And he's pretty sure she's the one he picked up the habit from. But that was for another day. Not the point now.
He closed his hand around his staff. "Of course I'm sorry I'm hurtin him! You! All of you. That was never my intent, it isn't what I want. I love ya both! I'm not tryin to be right! I'm TRYING to see him, to hear him, to hear you both, Link! Shadow! I am! I'm not trying to tell him...you..." a frustrated scream as he slammed the length of his staff against the table in frustration.
He closed his eyes. "I'm not trying to tell you you're wrong, Shadow. I'm not trying to be right. I'm trying to help you see how wonderful you are! Because you are. You can have done bad things in the past and still be a good person now. They're not mutually exclusive!" He rubbed at his face. "I'm not being blind to your flaws or faults, but I'm seeing other sides to you rather than fixating on them! Why in the world is that upsetting?"
He really really wanted to pace.
"I acknowledge that you could, under the wrong circumstances, kill countless innocents. But if there is one thing Naut forced me to learn is that so could I! Any of us in this room could! But the key is that we don't just do it to do it, you don't just d it to do it! It isn't your go to solution! You are hurt and angry right now, and I am more sorry for and about that than I can express, but Shadow... I'm the one causing the pain and anger and you have not tried even once to hurt me! You've even said..." he swallowed... "said things that give me hope, things I am terrified to reply to because I am scared of destroying them. Even with all this! I do see you! I am looking at you! I don't care about right or wrong or winning or losing. I care about you. You and Link. And Zelda. And Leia. And so many more people now than I ever could have imagined. You two mean so much more to me than anyone I've ever met has!"
He was shaking now, it showed mostly in how his staff wobbled. "You both tried using my princess to try and snap me out of things but as much as she means to me, has meant to me for centuries... the TWO OF YOU ARE THE STRONGER ANCHOR!" He smashed his staff against the wall several times because there was just so much emotion and he had no other physical outlet for it. He made loud frustrated noises. He hated how out of control he was. Hated it.
Hated the terror that this would scare Link off for good, and how that terror fed into the emotions that screamed within him.
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The thing is, Shadow could understand now having a good outlet for strong emotions. It had been a source of a lot of his mistakes. No means to know how to deal with all the loneliness and pain and hurt he had endured, had led to a lot of aggressive moves and manipulations that were probably less then ideal. He couldn't fault someone for seeking a way to release their emotions, and it was why he could usually look for the deeper meanings in arguments. Even as Clef shouted and hit things, the display of emotion did little to change how he was feeling as more the words.
"Link couldn't," Shadow said. "If he was made into a meat puppet, sure, but when he's making any sort of choice on his own, he couldn't do it." He paused and shrugged at Leia. "I don't know ya to say what ya'd do." And then he looked at Clef. "Ya...could. Ya can get pushed enough, broken enough for that. Too much 'greater purpose' without enough 'have to help do dumb chores' impulses. The type to be pulled into the 'righteous need sacrifices' ideas."
"I didn't need that. I didn't need to be broken. I didn't need to be made into a meat puppet. Lord Ganon never manipulated me. Vaati never scared me. I knew what I was doing. That makes a difference Clef. There's a huge difference between the person who steals a loaf of bread because they and their family is starving and the person who does it because they want to hurt the baker's livelihood. Because at one point, hurting people was my go to solution. Even now, its my first thought. I always have to think what would someone better then me do?" He glares at the tabletop as he speaks, voice low.
He holds up the torn notepad. "There is a big enough part of me that wants to do this to ya so maybe ya would finally get it, that the reason its not my go to isn't because of my 'character' as an extremely deliberate choice. I'm not asking ya to fixate on flaws, but ya think my motivations are that I admire good people because I'm good, and that person doesn't exist. I admire them for a lot of reasons, and none of them are that," He drops the pad and he looks at Clef. "I act like a good person because I realize that being good is how I can be happy."
"The first thing I used was myself, and that did nothing. All it showed was ya were so convinced on what our relationship should be, that when I reminded ya of what it was, it didn't even shake yer resolve. Ya have this picture of who I am, on what our relationship is, that ya've never truly looked at me or where we are."
He leaned closer, trying to catch Clef's eyes. "Why do ya think yer my father? I never agreed to that. Why do ya think I'm yer son? When did I ever act like it? When did I ever show even a sign I wanted that? For crying out loud, Clef, if anything, I've been acting more like a parent to ya, helping ya figure out how to handle a complicated relationship with Link. I never wanted a parent, I was hoping for a friend, but ya decided what we were without a care on my opinion. Why do I need to be yer son to matter?"
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"Clef, Shadow's right. We both used ourselves first. That's why I switched to using your home and your princess."
He took a deep breath. "And Clef, you hate to be judged by who you were in those alternate realities. Because it wasn't you, right? Maybe those are real people in some other universe, in some other set of circumstances, but, it isn't you. I think maybe you ought to consider that Shadow feels similar? I mean, you wouldn't want someone's only view of you to be that of one they saw in a reality storm, right?"
A pause as he looked at Shadow before looking back at Clef. "An excellent question. What's wrong with friendship?"
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"Thank you for acknowledging the hurt you've caused and apologizing, Clef," Leia said, beginning with what Clef was finally doing right. "But you're still not quite getting it. It's perfectly alright for you to feel that Shadow is a wonderful person and to care about him, but you need to see and understand that he can be- and is- that wonderful person you care about without his motivations fitting your perceived mold of ones that would typically make someone a good person. And that that's OK, and doesn't diminish or invalidate those motivations or the feelings behind them in the slightest. You don't need to try and rationalize your feelings for him by trying to make him fit that mold."
"You have a certain set of ideas and perceptions about what can make someone a good person. Not just what sort of actions they perform, but what sort of thoughts, emotions, and motivations are likely to drive those actions. Everyone does. But when dealing with Shadow- whose emotions and motivations fall outside that definition- rather than working to expand it to include new ways of becoming and being a good person, you're stubbornly trying to fit him into the ideas you already have on the subject. 'Because he's a good person, and I care about him, then his motivations must be these.'"
"That's what we mean when we say you're trying to be right. You're trying to retain that too rigid and narrow definition of what makes someone good and worthy of your love, rather than acknowledging its narrowness and expanding it. You're not seeing Shadow as he is because you're refusing to expand your perceptions to include him. Do you understand?"
"As for what I could do, if pushed over the edge and turned fully to the Dark Side? Yes, I could absolutely cause a great deal of devastation if that happened. When someone in my family goes that far, the entire galaxy tends to pay for it. I'm not sure what- if anything- could do that to me now, but the possibility is there."
"And when it comes to relationships between an adult and a younger person- or at least someone who's perceived to be younger- some parental or mentorship aspects are likely to creep in whether it's intentional or not. That's just how those relationships tend to fall out, I've found. But given the situation, friendship would likely be a better definition of Clef and Shadow's current relationship, however strongly you feel about it, Clef. You could, eventually, work up to a father-son relationship if that's something you both decided you wanted, but that's clearly not what it is now, and that's alright."
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And then all at once they just... drained out of him. He dropped into his seat like a puppet with all his strings cut. His head hit the table as all the energy that had been roiling within him just... vanished. Would it be back soon? Maybe. Probably. But at the moment there was...
Pain and confusion.
Emotional exhaustion.
Like a child on a sugar rush, the moment that rush ended. He spoke loud enough to be heard, just. But it wasn't because he was hiding his tears that he didn't lift his head. It was because at the moment he didn't think he had the strength to sit upright. He hardly had the strength to speak the words that felt like they were being ripped painfully from within his heart.
"Of course friendship would have been enough. But you became brothers... if I didn't want to be your father too...." now some of the words were swallowed by the table, some of the gaps now coming from hesitation, some now coming from words lost syllables. "...was afraid...." A small hiccup of a sob. "You'd feel.... left out.... unwanted.... afraid...." and then his shoulders were shaking too much for more words. Well, for more words that were understandable. He tried a few times before giving up the attempt. He felt wrung out, limp, weak. He had to be strong for his boys, they had said that. But right now... he didn't know how to be strong. Didn't know how to be anything.
It wasn't like when he gave up, his will wasn't leaving him or anything like that. He was just, for the moment... lost. Emotionally.
Look, he's not used to big emotions for such a sustained period of time. Usually someone snaps him out of his temper before it goes this strong or long. When he got too frustrated or too angry or too whatever... Presea used to hit him upside the head or bonk him on the top of the skull and it refocused him. Or he forced himself off of the emotional ledge. But this time there was too much, and... now he was just... spent.
Or maybe it was just that the pain was now so much stronger than the frustration. He couldn't figure it out. Didn't have the strength to turn inwards and try. Because inwards didn't matter. His own pain didn't matter. Couldn't matter. Shadow and Link had to be what mattered.
He forced himself to lift his head. Tried to. Managed it the fourth time. Didn't bother to hide his tears or his shaking. Was afraid that Link would be disgusted and leave over his weakness.
Link choosing to leave was a fear that he suspected would be with him forever. Lurking in the background. Waiting for weak moments like this to snap him up.
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Though the praise from Leia of being a 'wonderful' and 'good' person is weird. His expression is a little surprised, unsure how to deal with hearing things like that from another party that was trying to understand where he was actually coming from instead of trying to assign a motivation. Its helping distract from his negative feelings. At least it was, until Clef went lax.
There is a new tension in Shadow when Clef seems to go limp. His expression is blank, but his eyes are trained intently on Clef because there was a new fear. A fear he would suddenly give up, fade away again. Fear for him and fear for Link what seeing that would do to him.
He only relaxes a bit when Clef speaks because at least...something is functioning, right?
And it was that...
"The only reason I'm dishonest with people on my side is 'cause I don't want to deal with trouble. Why I'll still use the cousin story for my owner, explaining it all is a lot and could bring me trouble from people I don't care about," Shadow said. "I lied to Link and Zelda because I didn't think I could keep being what I wanted to be for my princess and owner if they rejected me. And I hated it. I hated pretending to be someone else to 'em. Sometimes I think I chose the thing I did at the Gate because it'd force me to face that, I dunno. That might be me thinking too much, bad habit of a shadow," he said with a shrug. "But I did tell them the truth. And ya know the truth. Which means I have no reason to lie to ya about what I feel about our relationship."
"And let me be clear, I ain't exactly subtle when I feel hurt. Or angry. Or frustrated. Ya've seen that a lot already," Shadow said. "Not unless I have something I fear a lot more to keep that hidden and I just don't fear ya enough for that Clef. Ya can hurt me. Ya can't destroy me. Because ya did the thing I hated the most and its been getting in the way of our relationship for a while."
He leans forward. "Ya tried to tell me what I was. Who I'm supposed to be. I hate it. Its why I hate pretending to be something I'm not when people matter. For years, I was 'supposed' to be a shadow. I was 'supposed' to just follow. I was 'supposed' to just do whatever my owner did and never be looked at. And I wanted none of that. I wanted to show what a simple shadow could be with a little free will. I am who I am because I worked for it, because I wanted it, because I wanted to be who I was instead of all the 'supposed to bes.' Just cause I'm Link's brother doesn't mean I have to be yer son and that's okay. Link can have a weird family dynamic, doesn't mean his family is any less. And if I felt left out or afraid or whatever, it would be pretty obvious pretty quickly. Or, ya know, ya could have just asked why I kept saying no."
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