Family therapy

[motherofresistance]

Who: Leia, Clef, Link, and Shadow Link
Where: The Quiet car
When: Orchestra- Day 18
What: Leia tries to help bring Clef and his boys back together again
Warnings: Feelings and possibly some angst

It had taken a little while to properly arrange it, but the four of them were now seated in one of the Quiet Car booth compartments, the door closed behind them to block out distractions from the rest of the train. Leia and Clef sat on one side of the table, Link and Shadow on the other. Each of them had a cup of tea in front of them, and there was a plate of simple sugar cookies in the center of the table; negotiations nearly always went better with refreshments, in this case enough to put people more at ease without being overly distracting. And it felt a bit like peace negotiations, despite the fact that those involved were a family, rather than squabbling bureaucrats or Senators. At the very least, she expected some boundaries would need to be redrawn before they were done.

"Alright," Leia said. "Since I'm largely here as a mediator, a few ground rules before we get started, to avoid this turning into an argument. Everyone is going to respect everyone else's right to speak. No interrupting or talking over anyone; wait until the person who's currently talking is finished. We'll go counter-clockwise around the table and take turns speaking. Myself, then Clef, then Shadow, then Link, then back to me, and so on. If you don't have anything to say at the moment, you're welcome to indicate that the next person should go, but then you'll have to wait until your next turn to speak again. And finally- this hopefully goes without saying, but just in case-, we're here to talk. Which means no weapons, no magic, and no Bending get broken out."

"Now... with that out of the way..." She nodded to Clef, indicating that she was finished.

Comments

[sevenyearsasleep]

Link was rethinking his intelligent man comment, the more Clef spoke, feeling and seeing Shadow's reaction beside him. But, he pushed that thought aside, as voicing it would have helped no one.

He'd address a lot of Clef had been saying, but, first, Shadow. Link shifted his stance so he could pull Shadow in with a one-armed hug. "Thank you," he said quietly. "Thank you for doing this. For helping arrange this. I know this is more than a little painful for you."

Link gave him a squeeze and added. "But, don't call yourself a freak of nature. You're unique. And eventually, he'll understand. Because, this is a hill I'm willing to die on."

He turned his gaze to Clef. "I think he answered your question about why it's all or nothing with us. But, that aside....why would you start yelling? I told you that you were hurting his feelings and your response was to double down and yell at us. I--I don't understand that. You seem to think that acknowledging someone's flaws is somehow loving them less. Is it because you can't accept your own flaws or something? Because, blindly loving someone isn't healthy. And it's not really love when you pretend the worst of a person doesn't exist."

Link took a deep breath and shook his head. "Are you capable of apologizing? Without following it up with a justification as to why you're right and we're wrong?" He hadn't meant it to come out as condescending, it was a sincere question, but frustration did creep into his words.

"I...think I need to point out to you that Zelda, Shadow, and I live in three different Hyrules. When Zelda sent me back, that Hyrule was basically sealed off from me. The Hyrule I live in has never seen Ganondorf take over. He was awaiting execution last I heard. Apparently spectators aren't allowed, and some sage is going to be executioner."

Link sighed. "That's why I'm not recognized as a hero back home, outside of the Zelda from that time. The things I did never happened there. I know who and what I am, but, no one else does. Shadow, is from a few centuries later. Between my time and his there have been a few crises because of that damned Gerudo."

He stopped and hesitated. "Sorry, that derailed a little. My point was, the three of us in one spot is pretty impressive. Whether it be here or in Nautilus. I'm grateful for the opportunity, every day. To be here with all of you." The last thing he wanted was for Clef to feel excluded by his comments, so he made sure to make eye contact with his last statement.

[motherofresistance]

Leia couldn't help but facepalm when she heard Clef's response. How did he not see what he was doing? She held her tongue, though until Shadow and Link had also said their piece. She actually chose to address what they said first, since Clef's issue was likely to dominate the rest of her reply once she started.

"I'm with Link on the subject of your uniqueness, Shadow," she said. "Being one of a kind doesn't make you a freak of nature. In fact, in your case, I'd say it's a sign of strength. Overcoming your worst impulses and working to become a better person is seldom easy, no matter what your species, even with help. The fact that you are who you are now is a testament to your hard work, not something that happened by chance."

"As for you, though, Clef... where do I even start?", she said with a sigh. "You do realize you're doing exactly what I told you not to do- namely disregarding Shadow's own feelings and motivations and trying to assign ones to him that you feel are more suitable- don't you? No matter how much you want it to be so, that's not what Shadow thinks and feels. He's told you that. Link's told you. And I've told you. You simply can't tell someone, 'no, you don't feel that'. It doesn't work that way."

"You're not acknowledging Shadow's feelings as valid. You're not respecting his opinion and perspective. You're not acknowledging the fact that you hurt him, apologizing, and trying to do better; as Link implied, you're trying to be right. And in doing so you're not only implying that your view of the situation is the only valid one and entirely dismissing his, you're also completely missing the point."

"This isn't an argument about facts and logic, where someone can be objectively right or wrong. It's about emotions and perspective. Instead of apologizing, acknowledging the hurt you've caused and trying to heal, you're trying to win, in a situation where there's nothing to win. In short, Clef, you're acting like a kriffing stubborn jerk."

"And for goodness sake, stop holding all that tension back. If you grip the edge of the table any harder you're likely to snap it off. I hereby give you permission to yell at me, swear at me, call me names, poke me with your staff, whatever it takes to get that out of your system before we move on, because you trying to bottle it up isn't doing anyone any favors right now."

[guru_clef]

It... was probably for the best that Leia gave him permission to let his temper out; because the more he listened, the more tension was building up in him. He stood, on the chair. It wasn't as good as pacing, but being less confined helped. Some. He would have paced if there was space, but even he wasn't so small that the chair allowed for that. And he suspected none of them would be pleased oif he tried it on the table.

"I'm not trying to win or be right or any of that!" he yelled. "And yelling..." he tried so hard to figure out how to explain without hurting Link's feelings again. "It isn't always anger, okay? It's not anger now!" It was frustration and pain and just... having too much emotional energy. In hindsight, he's never dealt well with strong emotions, they almost always led to screaming and insults which turned it into an argument, which drained off the emotions so he could process again.

It... probably wasn't healthy, but it was who he was, and he'd been trying and failing to fix this part of himself for centuries.

Well, no. Actually, he hadn't, he realized. Because he was rarely emotionally invested in anything enough for it to come up with anyone other than Presea. And he's pretty sure she's the one he picked up the habit from. But that was for another day. Not the point now.

He closed his hand around his staff. "Of course I'm sorry I'm hurtin him! You! All of you. That was never my intent, it isn't what I want. I love ya both! I'm not tryin to be right! I'm TRYING to see him, to hear him, to hear you both, Link! Shadow! I am! I'm not trying to tell him...you..." a frustrated scream as he slammed the length of his staff against the table in frustration.

He closed his eyes. "I'm not trying to tell you you're wrong, Shadow. I'm not trying to be right. I'm trying to help you see how wonderful you are! Because you are. You can have done bad things in the past and still be a good person now. They're not mutually exclusive!" He rubbed at his face. "I'm not being blind to your flaws or faults, but I'm seeing other sides to you rather than fixating on them! Why in the world is that upsetting?"

He really really wanted to pace.

"I acknowledge that you could, under the wrong circumstances, kill countless innocents. But if there is one thing Naut forced me to learn is that so could I! Any of us in this room could! But the key is that we don't just do it to do it, you don't just d it to do it! It isn't your go to solution! You are hurt and angry right now, and I am more sorry for and about that than I can express, but Shadow... I'm the one causing the pain and anger and you have not tried even once to hurt me! You've even said..." he swallowed... "said things that give me hope, things I am terrified to reply to because I am scared of destroying them. Even with all this! I do see you! I am looking at you! I don't care about right or wrong or winning or losing. I care about you. You and Link. And Zelda. And Leia. And so many more people now than I ever could have imagined. You two mean so much more to me than anyone I've ever met has!"

He was shaking now, it showed mostly in how his staff wobbled. "You both tried using my princess to try and snap me out of things but as much as she means to me, has meant to me for centuries... the TWO OF YOU ARE THE STRONGER ANCHOR!" He smashed his staff against the wall several times because there was just so much emotion and he had no other physical outlet for it. He made loud frustrated noises. He hated how out of control he was. Hated it.

Hated the terror that this would scare Link off for good, and how that terror fed into the emotions that screamed within him.

[shadowcourage]

Shadow leans into Link, a little more color returning and the next breath that comes has actual air. He glances at him and Leia and looks down. "Pretty sure I'm still right on the freak of nature bit, shadows are generally monsters at worst or tests at best, things went real weird," he said. "But I know I am what I am for 'cause of my own hard work. Whatever spark there was for something different, I'm the one who decided to keep being more. I ain't questioning that. That's why its important to me."

The thing is, Shadow could understand now having a good outlet for strong emotions. It had been a source of a lot of his mistakes. No means to know how to deal with all the loneliness and pain and hurt he had endured, had led to a lot of aggressive moves and manipulations that were probably less then ideal. He couldn't fault someone for seeking a way to release their emotions, and it was why he could usually look for the deeper meanings in arguments. Even as Clef shouted and hit things, the display of emotion did little to change how he was feeling as more the words.

"Link couldn't," Shadow said. "If he was made into a meat puppet, sure, but when he's making any sort of choice on his own, he couldn't do it." He paused and shrugged at Leia. "I don't know ya to say what ya'd do." And then he looked at Clef. "Ya...could. Ya can get pushed enough, broken enough for that. Too much 'greater purpose' without enough 'have to help do dumb chores' impulses. The type to be pulled into the 'righteous need sacrifices' ideas."

"I didn't need that. I didn't need to be broken. I didn't need to be made into a meat puppet. Lord Ganon never manipulated me. Vaati never scared me. I knew what I was doing. That makes a difference Clef. There's a huge difference between the person who steals a loaf of bread because they and their family is starving and the person who does it because they want to hurt the baker's livelihood. Because at one point, hurting people was my go to solution. Even now, its my first thought. I always have to think what would someone better then me do?" He glares at the tabletop as he speaks, voice low.

He holds up the torn notepad. "There is a big enough part of me that wants to do this to ya so maybe ya would finally get it, that the reason its not my go to isn't because of my 'character' as an extremely deliberate choice. I'm not asking ya to fixate on flaws, but ya think my motivations are that I admire good people because I'm good, and that person doesn't exist. I admire them for a lot of reasons, and none of them are that," He drops the pad and he looks at Clef. "I act like a good person because I realize that being good is how I can be happy."

"The first thing I used was myself, and that did nothing. All it showed was ya were so convinced on what our relationship should be, that when I reminded ya of what it was, it didn't even shake yer resolve. Ya have this picture of who I am, on what our relationship is, that ya've never truly looked at me or where we are."

He leaned closer, trying to catch Clef's eyes. "Why do ya think yer my father? I never agreed to that. Why do ya think I'm yer son? When did I ever act like it? When did I ever show even a sign I wanted that? For crying out loud, Clef, if anything, I've been acting more like a parent to ya, helping ya figure out how to handle a complicated relationship with Link. I never wanted a parent, I was hoping for a friend, but ya decided what we were without a care on my opinion. Why do I need to be yer son to matter?"

[sevenyearsasleep]

Link let Clef rage for a bit, and listened to Shadow quietly. "The only way I kill countless innocents is if I fail at my job."

"Clef, Shadow's right. We both used ourselves first. That's why I switched to using your home and your princess."

He took a deep breath. "And Clef, you hate to be judged by who you were in those alternate realities. Because it wasn't you, right? Maybe those are real people in some other universe, in some other set of circumstances, but, it isn't you. I think maybe you ought to consider that Shadow feels similar? I mean, you wouldn't want someone's only view of you to be that of one they saw in a reality storm, right?"

A pause as he looked at Shadow before looking back at Clef. "An excellent question. What's wrong with friendship?"

[motherofresistance]

Well that was a side of Clef she'd never seen before; which, she was realizing, probably wasn't a good or healthy thing. Clef was rather like the old Jedi, in that he was so trained to be detached from emotions that when he did feel strongly about something or someone, he didn't know how to control or process it. Which explained a great deal about why he was having so much trouble understanding Shadow's motivations, which were based almost entirely around the darker, more selfish emotions that he'd likely been taught to cut out of his life as completely as possible. Alright, she could work with that.

"Thank you for acknowledging the hurt you've caused and apologizing, Clef," Leia said, beginning with what Clef was finally doing right. "But you're still not quite getting it. It's perfectly alright for you to feel that Shadow is a wonderful person and to care about him, but you need to see and understand that he can be- and is- that wonderful person you care about without his motivations fitting your perceived mold of ones that would typically make someone a good person. And that that's OK, and doesn't diminish or invalidate those motivations or the feelings behind them in the slightest. You don't need to try and rationalize your feelings for him by trying to make him fit that mold."

"You have a certain set of ideas and perceptions about what can make someone a good person. Not just what sort of actions they perform, but what sort of thoughts, emotions, and motivations are likely to drive those actions. Everyone does. But when dealing with Shadow- whose emotions and motivations fall outside that definition- rather than working to expand it to include new ways of becoming and being a good person, you're stubbornly trying to fit him into the ideas you already have on the subject. 'Because he's a good person, and I care about him, then his motivations must be these.'"

"That's what we mean when we say you're trying to be right. You're trying to retain that too rigid and narrow definition of what makes someone good and worthy of your love, rather than acknowledging its narrowness and expanding it. You're not seeing Shadow as he is because you're refusing to expand your perceptions to include him. Do you understand?"

"As for what I could do, if pushed over the edge and turned fully to the Dark Side? Yes, I could absolutely cause a great deal of devastation if that happened. When someone in my family goes that far, the entire galaxy tends to pay for it. I'm not sure what- if anything- could do that to me now, but the possibility is there."

"And when it comes to relationships between an adult and a younger person- or at least someone who's perceived to be younger- some parental or mentorship aspects are likely to creep in whether it's intentional or not. That's just how those relationships tend to fall out, I've found. But given the situation, friendship would likely be a better definition of Clef and Shadow's current relationship, however strongly you feel about it, Clef. You could, eventually, work up to a father-son relationship if that's something you both decided you wanted, but that's clearly not what it is now, and that's alright."

[guru_clef]

The frustration and emotions bubbled and bubbled and bubbled until he felt he was going to explode. Until he was perfect akuma bait.

And then all at once they just... drained out of him. He dropped into his seat like a puppet with all his strings cut. His head hit the table as all the energy that had been roiling within him just... vanished. Would it be back soon? Maybe. Probably. But at the moment there was...

Pain and confusion.

Emotional exhaustion.

Like a child on a sugar rush, the moment that rush ended. He spoke loud enough to be heard, just. But it wasn't because he was hiding his tears that he didn't lift his head. It was because at the moment he didn't think he had the strength to sit upright. He hardly had the strength to speak the words that felt like they were being ripped painfully from within his heart.

"Of course friendship would have been enough. But you became brothers... if I didn't want to be your father too...." now some of the words were swallowed by the table, some of the gaps now coming from hesitation, some now coming from words lost syllables. "...was afraid...." A small hiccup of a sob. "You'd feel.... left out.... unwanted.... afraid...." and then his shoulders were shaking too much for more words. Well, for more words that were understandable. He tried a few times before giving up the attempt. He felt wrung out, limp, weak. He had to be strong for his boys, they had said that. But right now... he didn't know how to be strong. Didn't know how to be anything.

It wasn't like when he gave up, his will wasn't leaving him or anything like that. He was just, for the moment... lost. Emotionally.

Look, he's not used to big emotions for such a sustained period of time. Usually someone snaps him out of his temper before it goes this strong or long. When he got too frustrated or too angry or too whatever... Presea used to hit him upside the head or bonk him on the top of the skull and it refocused him. Or he forced himself off of the emotional ledge. But this time there was too much, and... now he was just... spent.

Or maybe it was just that the pain was now so much stronger than the frustration. He couldn't figure it out. Didn't have the strength to turn inwards and try. Because inwards didn't matter. His own pain didn't matter. Couldn't matter. Shadow and Link had to be what mattered.

He forced himself to lift his head. Tried to. Managed it the fourth time. Didn't bother to hide his tears or his shaking. Was afraid that Link would be disgusted and leave over his weakness.

Link choosing to leave was a fear that he suspected would be with him forever. Lurking in the background. Waiting for weak moments like this to snap him up.

[shadowcourage]

"That isn't ya killing. That's just ya not saving," Shadow said to Link with a small nudge. It was a bad way of thinking and he can't help, but give the small nudge to hopefully encourage him to not think that way.

Though the praise from Leia of being a 'wonderful' and 'good' person is weird. His expression is a little surprised, unsure how to deal with hearing things like that from another party that was trying to understand where he was actually coming from instead of trying to assign a motivation. Its helping distract from his negative feelings. At least it was, until Clef went lax.

There is a new tension in Shadow when Clef seems to go limp. His expression is blank, but his eyes are trained intently on Clef because there was a new fear. A fear he would suddenly give up, fade away again. Fear for him and fear for Link what seeing that would do to him.

He only relaxes a bit when Clef speaks because at least...something is functioning, right?

And it was that...

"The only reason I'm dishonest with people on my side is 'cause I don't want to deal with trouble. Why I'll still use the cousin story for my owner, explaining it all is a lot and could bring me trouble from people I don't care about," Shadow said. "I lied to Link and Zelda because I didn't think I could keep being what I wanted to be for my princess and owner if they rejected me. And I hated it. I hated pretending to be someone else to 'em. Sometimes I think I chose the thing I did at the Gate because it'd force me to face that, I dunno. That might be me thinking too much, bad habit of a shadow," he said with a shrug. "But I did tell them the truth. And ya know the truth. Which means I have no reason to lie to ya about what I feel about our relationship."

"And let me be clear, I ain't exactly subtle when I feel hurt. Or angry. Or frustrated. Ya've seen that a lot already," Shadow said. "Not unless I have something I fear a lot more to keep that hidden and I just don't fear ya enough for that Clef. Ya can hurt me. Ya can't destroy me. Because ya did the thing I hated the most and its been getting in the way of our relationship for a while."

He leans forward. "Ya tried to tell me what I was. Who I'm supposed to be. I hate it. Its why I hate pretending to be something I'm not when people matter. For years, I was 'supposed' to be a shadow. I was 'supposed' to just follow. I was 'supposed' to just do whatever my owner did and never be looked at. And I wanted none of that. I wanted to show what a simple shadow could be with a little free will. I am who I am because I worked for it, because I wanted it, because I wanted to be who I was instead of all the 'supposed to bes.' Just cause I'm Link's brother doesn't mean I have to be yer son and that's okay. Link can have a weird family dynamic, doesn't mean his family is any less. And if I felt left out or afraid or whatever, it would be pretty obvious pretty quickly. Or, ya know, ya could have just asked why I kept saying no."

[sevenyearsasleep]

Link chewed his lip. He supposed Shadow had a point there. Failure wasn't the same as actively harming, even if the end results were the same. He huffed a small affirmative sigh, but, let Clef and Shadow speak for the moment.

While Link didn't quite understand the tears, he wasn't disgusted. And because Clef kept communicating (or at the very least attempting to do so) he wasn't even frustrated.

"Just talk to us in general, Clef," Link said after a bit. "I think it'd save us a lot of trouble in the long run."

[motherofresistance]

Oh, Clef... If only he understood the different sort of strength he was displaying now. It took a great deal of strength to be vulnerable and emotional with others, even- and sometimes especially- with those one loved. He just needed to learn how to mange that strength. Leia rested a hand gently on Clef's shoulder in a silent gesture of support as he tried to regain some composure and Link and Shadow spoke.

"Yes, I think talking on a more regular basis would likely do all of you some good," she agreed. "Provided of course, you're talking with and to each other, rather than one of you talking at the others. Because there's a very considerable difference there."

"You're all people with very strong emotions and beliefs. Though some of you are better at handling it than others." She glanced at Clef with that last word. "It's only natural that there will be some clashes and disagreements along the way. The key is learning to deal with them in a way that makes sure everyone feels heard, respected, and cared for. And the key to that is, ultimately, communication. Specifically emotional communication."

"Shadow tends to be fairly blunt- as he's just stated and demonstrated-, unless circumstances dictate otherwise. Link is a bit more considerate, though still not afraid to speak his mind when necessary. And Clef... Clef, from what I've seen, you tend to repress your emotions to a degree that's neither helpful nor healthy. It was a bad idea when the old Jedi did it, it's still a bad idea now, and it in no way makes you stronger. All it does is compound existing problems and cause new ones, as this situation shows us."

"Fortunately the fact that you're all here means that you all at least want to communicate, which is the first hurdle already taken care of. The second one is understanding, which is what we're working on now. And hopefully will be able to get to."

She glanced at Clef again, sensing his fear. Eventually, Link would leave in some way, as all children did. But she highly doubted it would be in the way that terrified Clef so much.

[guru_clef]

"I'm not.... I wasn't..." he shook, clutched the edge of the table, leaving his staff to just float beside him. It was a spell so simple and so familiar it was like breathing, he didn't even have to think about it. So he didn't realize he was breaking the no magic rule. Because his mind wasn't on the staff or the spell at all. It was on trying to say what needed to be said, trying to keep himself from collapsing.

"I wasn't trying..." he swallowed hard, fingers going white around the edge of the table.

The words weren't coming. There were too many of them all at once trying to force their way out of his mouth. "I never wanted to.... to tell you who or what to be...." he managed.

Except that wasn't fully true. And he had to find a way to acknowledge that, find the strength to say it.

"Not... not when I... I was fully my...myself...." Another hard swallow. HE closed his eyes, hands losing the strength to grip. "You both just...." he didn't have it, the words. How to explain without sounding accusing. He didn't know how to do it.

In the false Digad or whatever it was... they jumped around so much, so quickly. They never gave him a chance to think or process. Yes, he had clung to what he'd known there... because they threw a million pebbles, rather than trying to work at a single chink in his armor.

[shadowcourage]

"It doesn't matter what ya meant to do, the fact was, ya were doing it," Shadow said, eyes focused on Clef. He didn't care about the staff. Something so simple, it was probably much like how it was difficult to keep his form still when he was emotional.

"That's the thing about people. A lot of the times, they do things without meaning to. They think what they know is best, that what helps them, helps others. From day one, ya expected things from me that just weren't there. Ya thought I was a good person, who was good without question, and I'm not. Ya called me son, without asking me what I wanted, decided we were family, and we weren't. Ya have always assumed so many things about me, and what I want, and what I need," Shadow said and he sighed.

"I don't need the validation of a father like Link does. I don't need unconditional belief. If anything, I need people willing to hold me accountable, and frankly Clef, I don't think ya would," Shadow said. "I know Link believes in me. I know Zelda believes in me too. I also know if I go off the deep end again, they would take me down. It'd break their heart, it'd hurt them bad, but I also know they would. And that is such a relief to know, and its more of a relief to know that if they ever saw a sign before hand, they would just talk to me about it. Because they're willing to look at everything, they're willing to believe me when I said I chose to do wrong, and acknowledge that part exists. They just also acknowledge the parts of me that doesn't want to be that person anymore and I'm so grateful for it."

He leans more against Link. "I know ya feel hurt about Diagad, and I get it, it sucks to feel abandoned, but there's also a part of me that's pretty angry because ya keep pitying yerself because ya want to pretend what Link did wasn't the right choice. Ya say I wouldn't have hurt ya. The fact is, I would have. Link understood that, and he knew the best thing to do was to get me away for all our sakes. Link would hate to see his family hurt each other badly, and the best outcome would be if ya actually got upset I hurt ya, but let's be honest, ya probably would have blamed it on the world somehow, said it wasn't me at all, and completely disregard my own responsibility in the action, and it would make me hate myself for my own broken resolve and just give up on friendship with ya entirely because I can't let someone in my life who would let me do something bad of my own volition and not even hold me the slightest bit accountable for it. Because that way just makes it easier the next time. Because that's happened before."