Family therapy

[motherofresistance]

Who: Leia, Clef, Link, and Shadow Link
Where: The Quiet car
When: Orchestra- Day 18
What: Leia tries to help bring Clef and his boys back together again
Warnings: Feelings and possibly some angst

It had taken a little while to properly arrange it, but the four of them were now seated in one of the Quiet Car booth compartments, the door closed behind them to block out distractions from the rest of the train. Leia and Clef sat on one side of the table, Link and Shadow on the other. Each of them had a cup of tea in front of them, and there was a plate of simple sugar cookies in the center of the table; negotiations nearly always went better with refreshments, in this case enough to put people more at ease without being overly distracting. And it felt a bit like peace negotiations, despite the fact that those involved were a family, rather than squabbling bureaucrats or Senators. At the very least, she expected some boundaries would need to be redrawn before they were done.

"Alright," Leia said. "Since I'm largely here as a mediator, a few ground rules before we get started, to avoid this turning into an argument. Everyone is going to respect everyone else's right to speak. No interrupting or talking over anyone; wait until the person who's currently talking is finished. We'll go counter-clockwise around the table and take turns speaking. Myself, then Clef, then Shadow, then Link, then back to me, and so on. If you don't have anything to say at the moment, you're welcome to indicate that the next person should go, but then you'll have to wait until your next turn to speak again. And finally- this hopefully goes without saying, but just in case-, we're here to talk. Which means no weapons, no magic, and no Bending get broken out."

"Now... with that out of the way..." She nodded to Clef, indicating that she was finished.

Comments

[motherofresistance]

Well that was a side of Clef she'd never seen before; which, she was realizing, probably wasn't a good or healthy thing. Clef was rather like the old Jedi, in that he was so trained to be detached from emotions that when he did feel strongly about something or someone, he didn't know how to control or process it. Which explained a great deal about why he was having so much trouble understanding Shadow's motivations, which were based almost entirely around the darker, more selfish emotions that he'd likely been taught to cut out of his life as completely as possible. Alright, she could work with that.

"Thank you for acknowledging the hurt you've caused and apologizing, Clef," Leia said, beginning with what Clef was finally doing right. "But you're still not quite getting it. It's perfectly alright for you to feel that Shadow is a wonderful person and to care about him, but you need to see and understand that he can be- and is- that wonderful person you care about without his motivations fitting your perceived mold of ones that would typically make someone a good person. And that that's OK, and doesn't diminish or invalidate those motivations or the feelings behind them in the slightest. You don't need to try and rationalize your feelings for him by trying to make him fit that mold."

"You have a certain set of ideas and perceptions about what can make someone a good person. Not just what sort of actions they perform, but what sort of thoughts, emotions, and motivations are likely to drive those actions. Everyone does. But when dealing with Shadow- whose emotions and motivations fall outside that definition- rather than working to expand it to include new ways of becoming and being a good person, you're stubbornly trying to fit him into the ideas you already have on the subject. 'Because he's a good person, and I care about him, then his motivations must be these.'"

"That's what we mean when we say you're trying to be right. You're trying to retain that too rigid and narrow definition of what makes someone good and worthy of your love, rather than acknowledging its narrowness and expanding it. You're not seeing Shadow as he is because you're refusing to expand your perceptions to include him. Do you understand?"

"As for what I could do, if pushed over the edge and turned fully to the Dark Side? Yes, I could absolutely cause a great deal of devastation if that happened. When someone in my family goes that far, the entire galaxy tends to pay for it. I'm not sure what- if anything- could do that to me now, but the possibility is there."

"And when it comes to relationships between an adult and a younger person- or at least someone who's perceived to be younger- some parental or mentorship aspects are likely to creep in whether it's intentional or not. That's just how those relationships tend to fall out, I've found. But given the situation, friendship would likely be a better definition of Clef and Shadow's current relationship, however strongly you feel about it, Clef. You could, eventually, work up to a father-son relationship if that's something you both decided you wanted, but that's clearly not what it is now, and that's alright."

[guru_clef]

The frustration and emotions bubbled and bubbled and bubbled until he felt he was going to explode. Until he was perfect akuma bait.

And then all at once they just... drained out of him. He dropped into his seat like a puppet with all his strings cut. His head hit the table as all the energy that had been roiling within him just... vanished. Would it be back soon? Maybe. Probably. But at the moment there was...

Pain and confusion.

Emotional exhaustion.

Like a child on a sugar rush, the moment that rush ended. He spoke loud enough to be heard, just. But it wasn't because he was hiding his tears that he didn't lift his head. It was because at the moment he didn't think he had the strength to sit upright. He hardly had the strength to speak the words that felt like they were being ripped painfully from within his heart.

"Of course friendship would have been enough. But you became brothers... if I didn't want to be your father too...." now some of the words were swallowed by the table, some of the gaps now coming from hesitation, some now coming from words lost syllables. "...was afraid...." A small hiccup of a sob. "You'd feel.... left out.... unwanted.... afraid...." and then his shoulders were shaking too much for more words. Well, for more words that were understandable. He tried a few times before giving up the attempt. He felt wrung out, limp, weak. He had to be strong for his boys, they had said that. But right now... he didn't know how to be strong. Didn't know how to be anything.

It wasn't like when he gave up, his will wasn't leaving him or anything like that. He was just, for the moment... lost. Emotionally.

Look, he's not used to big emotions for such a sustained period of time. Usually someone snaps him out of his temper before it goes this strong or long. When he got too frustrated or too angry or too whatever... Presea used to hit him upside the head or bonk him on the top of the skull and it refocused him. Or he forced himself off of the emotional ledge. But this time there was too much, and... now he was just... spent.

Or maybe it was just that the pain was now so much stronger than the frustration. He couldn't figure it out. Didn't have the strength to turn inwards and try. Because inwards didn't matter. His own pain didn't matter. Couldn't matter. Shadow and Link had to be what mattered.

He forced himself to lift his head. Tried to. Managed it the fourth time. Didn't bother to hide his tears or his shaking. Was afraid that Link would be disgusted and leave over his weakness.

Link choosing to leave was a fear that he suspected would be with him forever. Lurking in the background. Waiting for weak moments like this to snap him up.

[shadowcourage]

"That isn't ya killing. That's just ya not saving," Shadow said to Link with a small nudge. It was a bad way of thinking and he can't help, but give the small nudge to hopefully encourage him to not think that way.

Though the praise from Leia of being a 'wonderful' and 'good' person is weird. His expression is a little surprised, unsure how to deal with hearing things like that from another party that was trying to understand where he was actually coming from instead of trying to assign a motivation. Its helping distract from his negative feelings. At least it was, until Clef went lax.

There is a new tension in Shadow when Clef seems to go limp. His expression is blank, but his eyes are trained intently on Clef because there was a new fear. A fear he would suddenly give up, fade away again. Fear for him and fear for Link what seeing that would do to him.

He only relaxes a bit when Clef speaks because at least...something is functioning, right?

And it was that...

"The only reason I'm dishonest with people on my side is 'cause I don't want to deal with trouble. Why I'll still use the cousin story for my owner, explaining it all is a lot and could bring me trouble from people I don't care about," Shadow said. "I lied to Link and Zelda because I didn't think I could keep being what I wanted to be for my princess and owner if they rejected me. And I hated it. I hated pretending to be someone else to 'em. Sometimes I think I chose the thing I did at the Gate because it'd force me to face that, I dunno. That might be me thinking too much, bad habit of a shadow," he said with a shrug. "But I did tell them the truth. And ya know the truth. Which means I have no reason to lie to ya about what I feel about our relationship."

"And let me be clear, I ain't exactly subtle when I feel hurt. Or angry. Or frustrated. Ya've seen that a lot already," Shadow said. "Not unless I have something I fear a lot more to keep that hidden and I just don't fear ya enough for that Clef. Ya can hurt me. Ya can't destroy me. Because ya did the thing I hated the most and its been getting in the way of our relationship for a while."

He leans forward. "Ya tried to tell me what I was. Who I'm supposed to be. I hate it. Its why I hate pretending to be something I'm not when people matter. For years, I was 'supposed' to be a shadow. I was 'supposed' to just follow. I was 'supposed' to just do whatever my owner did and never be looked at. And I wanted none of that. I wanted to show what a simple shadow could be with a little free will. I am who I am because I worked for it, because I wanted it, because I wanted to be who I was instead of all the 'supposed to bes.' Just cause I'm Link's brother doesn't mean I have to be yer son and that's okay. Link can have a weird family dynamic, doesn't mean his family is any less. And if I felt left out or afraid or whatever, it would be pretty obvious pretty quickly. Or, ya know, ya could have just asked why I kept saying no."

[sevenyearsasleep]

Link chewed his lip. He supposed Shadow had a point there. Failure wasn't the same as actively harming, even if the end results were the same. He huffed a small affirmative sigh, but, let Clef and Shadow speak for the moment.

While Link didn't quite understand the tears, he wasn't disgusted. And because Clef kept communicating (or at the very least attempting to do so) he wasn't even frustrated.

"Just talk to us in general, Clef," Link said after a bit. "I think it'd save us a lot of trouble in the long run."

[motherofresistance]

Oh, Clef... If only he understood the different sort of strength he was displaying now. It took a great deal of strength to be vulnerable and emotional with others, even- and sometimes especially- with those one loved. He just needed to learn how to mange that strength. Leia rested a hand gently on Clef's shoulder in a silent gesture of support as he tried to regain some composure and Link and Shadow spoke.

"Yes, I think talking on a more regular basis would likely do all of you some good," she agreed. "Provided of course, you're talking with and to each other, rather than one of you talking at the others. Because there's a very considerable difference there."

"You're all people with very strong emotions and beliefs. Though some of you are better at handling it than others." She glanced at Clef with that last word. "It's only natural that there will be some clashes and disagreements along the way. The key is learning to deal with them in a way that makes sure everyone feels heard, respected, and cared for. And the key to that is, ultimately, communication. Specifically emotional communication."

"Shadow tends to be fairly blunt- as he's just stated and demonstrated-, unless circumstances dictate otherwise. Link is a bit more considerate, though still not afraid to speak his mind when necessary. And Clef... Clef, from what I've seen, you tend to repress your emotions to a degree that's neither helpful nor healthy. It was a bad idea when the old Jedi did it, it's still a bad idea now, and it in no way makes you stronger. All it does is compound existing problems and cause new ones, as this situation shows us."

"Fortunately the fact that you're all here means that you all at least want to communicate, which is the first hurdle already taken care of. The second one is understanding, which is what we're working on now. And hopefully will be able to get to."

She glanced at Clef again, sensing his fear. Eventually, Link would leave in some way, as all children did. But she highly doubted it would be in the way that terrified Clef so much.

[guru_clef]

"I'm not.... I wasn't..." he shook, clutched the edge of the table, leaving his staff to just float beside him. It was a spell so simple and so familiar it was like breathing, he didn't even have to think about it. So he didn't realize he was breaking the no magic rule. Because his mind wasn't on the staff or the spell at all. It was on trying to say what needed to be said, trying to keep himself from collapsing.

"I wasn't trying..." he swallowed hard, fingers going white around the edge of the table.

The words weren't coming. There were too many of them all at once trying to force their way out of his mouth. "I never wanted to.... to tell you who or what to be...." he managed.

Except that wasn't fully true. And he had to find a way to acknowledge that, find the strength to say it.

"Not... not when I... I was fully my...myself...." Another hard swallow. HE closed his eyes, hands losing the strength to grip. "You both just...." he didn't have it, the words. How to explain without sounding accusing. He didn't know how to do it.

In the false Digad or whatever it was... they jumped around so much, so quickly. They never gave him a chance to think or process. Yes, he had clung to what he'd known there... because they threw a million pebbles, rather than trying to work at a single chink in his armor.

[shadowcourage]

"It doesn't matter what ya meant to do, the fact was, ya were doing it," Shadow said, eyes focused on Clef. He didn't care about the staff. Something so simple, it was probably much like how it was difficult to keep his form still when he was emotional.

"That's the thing about people. A lot of the times, they do things without meaning to. They think what they know is best, that what helps them, helps others. From day one, ya expected things from me that just weren't there. Ya thought I was a good person, who was good without question, and I'm not. Ya called me son, without asking me what I wanted, decided we were family, and we weren't. Ya have always assumed so many things about me, and what I want, and what I need," Shadow said and he sighed.

"I don't need the validation of a father like Link does. I don't need unconditional belief. If anything, I need people willing to hold me accountable, and frankly Clef, I don't think ya would," Shadow said. "I know Link believes in me. I know Zelda believes in me too. I also know if I go off the deep end again, they would take me down. It'd break their heart, it'd hurt them bad, but I also know they would. And that is such a relief to know, and its more of a relief to know that if they ever saw a sign before hand, they would just talk to me about it. Because they're willing to look at everything, they're willing to believe me when I said I chose to do wrong, and acknowledge that part exists. They just also acknowledge the parts of me that doesn't want to be that person anymore and I'm so grateful for it."

He leans more against Link. "I know ya feel hurt about Diagad, and I get it, it sucks to feel abandoned, but there's also a part of me that's pretty angry because ya keep pitying yerself because ya want to pretend what Link did wasn't the right choice. Ya say I wouldn't have hurt ya. The fact is, I would have. Link understood that, and he knew the best thing to do was to get me away for all our sakes. Link would hate to see his family hurt each other badly, and the best outcome would be if ya actually got upset I hurt ya, but let's be honest, ya probably would have blamed it on the world somehow, said it wasn't me at all, and completely disregard my own responsibility in the action, and it would make me hate myself for my own broken resolve and just give up on friendship with ya entirely because I can't let someone in my life who would let me do something bad of my own volition and not even hold me the slightest bit accountable for it. Because that way just makes it easier the next time. Because that's happened before."