voidtreckerexpress | (no subject)

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(no subject)

Who: Jiang Cheng & Lan Xichen
Where: Quiet carriage
When: Early Rabbit
What: Terrible confessions
Warnings: N/A atm

Jiang Cheng has never been good with words.

There are a lot of things he is not particularly good at, many things he is not adept with, and those are the things he has wrestled with his entire life. He had never been good enough for his parents, had never managed to be good enough in the eyes of the people he loved most. He had failed Wei Wuxian and his sister, had been unable to be the kind of parent he had hoped to be with a-Ling. His nephew never wanted for anything, was never really harmed, but he wouldn't call himself the best of parents.

He wants to be better, and that is what pushes him now. He had made some kind of amends with Wei Wuxian. He has managed, somehow, to be good to a-Ling, despite him not being from his own world. He is a good friend to Madoka, if not some kind of familial figure that he can't quite put into name.

Wanting to be better does not equate to being better, however, and that is the difficulty he has at the moment. He has asked Zewu-jun - Lan Xichen, and it feels strange to think it - to meet him, has tea prepared, has Sandu placed at his side, and he is prepared to just... Talk, but it isn't easy. Not even having had the conversation with Wei Wuxian, as if that would ease any of his problems.

(As per usual, it felt as though it made them worse).

He doesn't know what he's going to say, has nothing rehearsed that might help him, and that puts him in a poor situation - Jiang Cheng is rarely good, off the cuff, rarely able to say what is on his mind without there being some sort of problem with it. But he is try, and that has to count for something. He hopes.

Lifting his head, he blinks when Lan Xichen appears, bowing his head in a gentle, proper greeting.

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Fortunately or unfortunately for Jiang Wanyin, Xichen is aware of that sweet smell of lotus as soon as he sits down across the older man. He takes note of it but does not comment, though he could bring it all to the surface with a few words.

He settles across from the other, seated with shoulders squared but hands resting in his lap as the other man starts to pour their tea. He has been invited and the guest here, so doesn't try to linger on the thought that as the younger he should have offered. "Thank you."

He reaches for the cup of tea as it's offered, feels a strange sense of giddiness as their fingers brush. He feels much younger than he is, seated across from someone he finds handsome and unsure of how to proceed. Childhood crushes had been a strange thing for him; perhaps because Xichen had always been keenly aware how different and separate from all other children he and his brother were. There was an impossible distance to cross to reach friendship, the thought of someone crossing such ravine was fantastical enough.

Mingjue had been a first and pleasant surprise, but much of that had also been Xichen's own fascination and a stroke of luck.

He shakes himself out of those thoughts and focuses on dealing with what is before him. On what he hopes, what he knows. "I have been well," he answers, because they've settled into polite talk for now. "As well as one can be given everything we have learned and all those that have left us in the last few months."

"And you? Are you well?"

It should be easier, but Jiang Cheng wasn't raised for things to be like this - to be able to express himself properly, to use words instead of actions. The reality is that his father and peers were right; he does take too harshly after his mother, too alike to her to ever be a proper Jiang. It's obvious that his father would never prefer him over Wei Wuxian when you think about it like that.

Lifting his own tea to his mouth, he takes a short sip, trying not to wince at the heat on his tongue as he didn't wait even a moment for it to cool down first. At least it focuses him and brings his attention back to the moment, which is awkward enough, he thinks.

He thinks back to the way he felt when he was almost twenty years younger, when he had fancied himself half in love with Wen Qing, and it's not quite the same. There had been a hopelessness to that, the knowledge that the two of them would never have been able to succeed whatsoever - even if he had proposed to her properly there is no way that it would ever have been accepted.

It's impossible for this to work out as well, surely, but he is a Jiang. Attempt the impossible. Isn't that what he was born for?

"Well enough." He hesitates, almost haltingly, before he breathes out. "It has been difficult. A-Ling - one of them - left not too long ago, but there's still one here."

Xichen is still waiting for his own tea to cool as he watches Jiang Wanyin take a sip. He is nearly impressed that he doesn't wince, though another part of him finds nothing admirable in hiding pain one imposes on oneself.

"The one that left was from our world and your time?" he asks, brows furrowing a little bit. A touch of home he is sure was hard to lose, given how unfamiliar everything here is. "The one that remains is from another, I know that, but I have to admit he is the one I've had time and opportunity to get to know better."

Wishing for water to cool the roaring temperature of his mouth, Jiang Cheng puts the teacup down, putting it to one side for the moment. Maybe he'll come back to it in a few moments, when the drink has cooled just a little. He doesn't want to make all the more of a fool of himself.

"Yes, the one that was from our world," he nods his head. It had been a sour thing, but at least he had another a-Ling to focus his worries and fretting on. If he didn't he might be more aggressive and angry about it.

"This is one from the former Wei Wuxian's world. He has a spirit accompanying him, just as Wei Wuxian did."

"I am sorry that you had to watch him go, then," Xichen says after a moment. "Even though he is different from the nephew I know at home, I would find it difficult if Sizhui left the train."

Perhaps because his nephew has also made him feel less out of place amongst those from his own world; that seemed to look at him with a kind smile instead of sadness and pity at the inevitable pain ahead. Jiang Wanyin also doesn't look at him with pity, though Xichen wonders if it is because he cannot read him well enough yet.

"He mentioned that, I think, when we made tea." He says and then chuckles. "Tea making was not something he was taught in the world he comes from. "

"It is better that he is at home. He has a Sect to take care of, and people that are relying on him. Being trapped here doesn't do him any good." It dawns on him, briefly, that Jin Guangyo is the reason why a-Ling has a Sect to lead now, but this isn't a Xichen that is so bitterly scarred.

Not yet, anyway, and that sours the mood for him, just a moment. He doesn't like to think too hard about what the other uncle did, the betrayals that came hand in hand with that. Even now it feels almost painfully fresh in his mind.

"I'll make sure to add that to his lessons, then," Jiang Cheng scoffs quietly. "Along the other things he needs to learn. I should make sure his sword-fighting isn't getting too far behind."

It takes a moment for Xichen to process why Jin Rulan would have a sect to take care of, why he is needed as desperately back home as both Jiang Wanyin and he are. It takes a moment but he gets there, brows creasing and his expression shifting not to the haunted look that may have graced his other self's features but a mix of sadness and anger before he nods. "It is good he's home then."

Yet without Jiang Wanyin to help guide him, is he better off surrounded by the same advisors that likely served Jin Guangshan and then Jin Guangyao?

Lan Xichen cannot fathom it.

He tries not to let the heaviness in the air settle, nods as Jiang Wanyin speaks again. "I've tried to help him but I think you may have better luck," he says with a gentle smile. "Ah. Is he not training? Thinking on it, of the junior disciples, I have only seen Sizhui in the training cart."

But they aren't here to talk about those from their home, are they? Xichen thinks as he looks down at his tea and then back at Jiang Wanyin. "But there was something you wished to talk with me about?"

It's better, he thinks, for Lan Xichen to imagine the loss of Jin Guangyao as something to be sad and frustrated over rather than the pure agony and hurt that his elder had shown; it is better that he has yet to experience such suffering. Jiang Cheng doesn't want to see that kind of expression on his face either, so he reminds himself to tuck those words away for another time in the future.

"I am sure he's happier for it, given the nature of the train."

He waves his hand, finally going back to his tea, cool enough to drink without scalding his tongue. He's just about ready to go into a proper conversation about his nephew, his training, his pride in the young man and all of the things that come with it when Xichen continues and he realises he can't quite avoid the inevitable, not really.

Instead, he suddenly forgets how to use his voice in any way, shape or form, staring at the other Sect Leader before he musters something, surely looking more foolish the more he continues.

"Yes, I did." Surely it would be easier if he had a matchmaker with him, or even - and this shows the depth of his momentary insanity - Wei Wuxian. "I wanted to speak to you about the time we have spent together."

Lan Xichen watches Jiang Wanyin across the table and nearly feels back for not allowing them to walk down the path of discussing family, of easier topics. Nearly.

As he is stared at, he tilts his head slightly to the left. There is a large part of him that is endeared by this and he cannot help but wonder what it says about him.

"Our time together?" he prompts, as it becomes clear that Jiang Wanyin is stopping there. "Ah. I wanted to talk to you as well, as I have quite enjoyed the time we have spent together and was wondering if we could continue to get to know each other."

Given what he has been armed with by Wei Wuxian, he hopes that that will be met well.

It's clearly not something that is easy for him, and the look on his face doesn't settle for a little while. He has to force himself to be calm and collected, to push himself forward before he sits up properly, straightening his shoulders and looking at Xichen properly.

"Yes. We have spent some good hours in one another's company, and it has been pleasant."

His cheeks are getting a little warm, and when Xichen responds - well, that warmth only grows, leaving Jiang Cheng flushed with his mouth dropped open a little. His eyes search the other man's face before he manages to find some kind of words to respond, and they come out almost in a tumble.

"What do you mean? What do you want?"

After his conversation with Wei Wuxian, Lan Xichen thinks that the admission that the time together was pleasant means more than pleasantry.

"Very pleasant," he agrees, offering a smile and nodding.

He watches as Jiang Wanyin grows more flustered, his cheeks red. This time, Xichen isn't sure if it's the tea or he expects the smell of lotus all around him, but he's sure that's floating through the air. He wishes that Jiang Wanyin were closer, that he'd left him a way to reach out across the table between them to touch and take his hand.

For now he's left with gentle smiles and words, that is all he has. "I would like to spend more time together, to get to know you properly. I admit that may sound like merely a request for friendship and while that is something I'd like, that is not only what I want." And because Zewu-jun is kind, not one to leave Jiang Wanyin grasping for meaning. "I do find you very handsome."

Jiang Cheng isn't good with words - he never has been - and there's an edge of discomfort as he tries to find the proper things to say. Wei Wuxian had made it sound so easy - which, in reality, was the opposite. It was difficult, baring himself, being emotionally vulnerable.

At least Xichen agrees, and the nod of his head softens some of the awkwardness clinging to him.

Breathing out a little, he pushes his tea to one side, swallowing back the strange discomfort before he looks over at Lan Xichen, his eyes a little wider. He didn't expect such comfort so quickly, and it makes his voice coming out a little haltingly, his voice low and soft as he musters some sort of response.

"It is not all that you want," he repeats, voice a little hoarse, before he breathes out a soft laugh. "I - I imagine that we're on the same page, then."

Lan Xichen is a kind man, who will save another from flounder and drifting in the wind.

It is easier now because they both wish the same thing and Xichen knows it, has an unfair advantage from speaking to a certain someone who helped him along. For now, he does not reveal his secret, though it feels like a scandal to keep it.

Later, when it is in the past and will not unsettle.

Omission is not technically lying.

"Not all I want," he says again, offering a warm smile that turns a hint mischievous before it settles back into soft kindness. He likes the sound of Jiang Wanyin's laughter, of the way it settles into the space between them like a secret shared. He has not heard this sound often and wishes to seek more of it. "It would seem so."

And then a gentle chuckle. "Unless you still wished to say what you'd intended to before I interrupted."

Jiang Cheng should be thankful for the forethought of Lan Xichen trying to ease this for him, but it has the poor side effect of making him feel like a complete idiot.

Knowing that they want similar things doesn't make life too much easier for a man who has spent his life feeling a sense of longing and not being aware of what to do with it: he has never had much of any kind of relationship, and the affection he had held for Wen Qing had been doomed from the start. This is different - it is real, and right in front of him, but he doesn't know what to do.

He wonders how much experience Xichen has, and it makes his mouth drop open before he grits his teeth, forcing the strange feeling of embarrassment away.

"No. You have understood me well enough, I don't think I need to say anymore." Why run the risk of making even more of a fool of himself? His fingers twitch absently around his teacup as he places it to one side, his eyes not really able to lift to look at Xichen.

He must look stupid.

"I'm glad."

"I must admit, I was mostly just being hopeful," Xichen says carefully, not unkindly. Jiang Wanyin isn't the easiest man to read, is not the man he knows from his own home.

He is different, yes, but Lan Xichen is learning to read him here too. To understand, a bit better, he hopes.

He looks from Jiang Wanyin, first to his tea and then to where his hand now rests on the table. "Would you allow me to do something perhaps a little bold?"

"Isn't that always your nature? Optimism?" Not that Jiang Cheng can be particularly sour about it, given how well it has worked out for him this time. He knows that Xichen looks for the best in people, that he tries to be good, and strong, and has a pride to him for all his gentleness - but he had never imagined it might lead to anything like this.

There's still a bit of childish embarrassment to him, a flush that makes his body shift a little before he turns his head back up to look at Xichen.

"Bolder than what has already been said?" He shakes his head. "As you please."

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