voidtreckerexpress | (open) i don't know how to word it

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(open) i don't know how to word it

Who: Inigo and you!
When: Fiddlesticks 27
Where: Sleeper carriages, luggage carriage
What: Inigo loses a boyfriend.
Warnings: None, just a very sad Inigo.

( scenario a - sleeper carriages )

Maybe you've already noticed it, but something about Inigo today seems.. off. Or at least, extra off, considering Inigo has already seemed to be acting more strangely than usually the past few days, especially since the day of the party.

But today? Today things have seemed to reach a fever pitch. Maybe you're worried enough to go check up on him, in which case you might find the guy in one of the hallways of the sleeper carriages, near his room. If you bother to ask him what's up though, he'll just laugh.

"What? No, I'm fine! Of course I'm fine, what could po--"

That's the exact moment he turns to head into his room to try and hide from this conversation, only to forget to scan his ticket. Which means he's just walking head-first into the door, causing him to topple over to the ground.

It's fine. He's fine. This is fine.

( scenario b - luggage carriage )

Inigo is trying really hard to carry on as usually. Really, he is. Because that's just what he does. He's not someone who sits around and mopes. Sure, the circumstances here may be different than the ones back home, but old habits are hard to give up, and Inigo's oldest and most stubborn habit is definitely the thought running through his mind that he has to be okay. He has to be strong. So despite the moments where he slips up and seems off, he tries so hard to laugh. And joke. As if nothing is up.

As if he doesn't feel like his heart has been torn straight out of his body.

But it's so hard to keep it up all the time. At least the shower is a good place to cry, but when Inigo finds it occupied exactly at the moment he needs it, he quickly tries to look for another place. He knows nowhere on the train is safe to hide from everyone, but he figures the luggage carriage is at least the furthest out of the way. It's the only option right now. It's either that, or crying in the middle of the train.

Which is why if you happen to be in the luggage carriage - or went looking for him everywhere only to end up here - you may find Inigo sitting on top of some suitcases. His knees are drawn up to his chest, and although that makes it impossible to see his face from the current angle, the telltale sounds of sobs are probably all anyone needs to see what's going on here.

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Taiki had noticed that Inigo had seemed off. The couple of times he had seen him he had been distracted and quick to leave the conversation. It had made him worried and his fears that something was wrong were quickly confirmed when he looked at the passenger roster to see Yuki's name in gold.

He goes looking for his friend. It takes a while, the train might be one straight line but he doesn't know anywhere Inigo would flee to if he were upset. He's not in any of the obvious carriages. There's the possibility he has holed himself up in his room, but there is also the dressing carriage and beyond it the luggage.

Taiki avoids the dressing carriage for many reasons but Inigo is worth feeling a little sick and a lot of terror. He draws his courage around him and marches through, eyes scanning the room only once, to ascertain that Inigo is not there before he makes it to the next door.

It doesn't take him more than a few moments to learn that it was worth it. Because Inigo is here and he is crying.

The sound of his sobs brings pain to Taiki's heart and he approaches slowly, carefully. As if Inigo was a wounded animal. He clambered up the suitcases to his side and wordlessly put his arms around him.

He can't make anything better, but he can try and give comfort.

His heart feels like it's breaking a little more when he suddenly feels those arms around him. Because it means there's someone here with him right now, and there shouldn't be. No one should be seeing him like this. This isn't who he's meant to be - someone in pain, someone sobbing. He's supposed to be the goofy idiot who makes others smile. The person who can be strong when others can't be. This situation goes against everything he stands for.

But at the same time.. He can't help it. Everything hurts so much right now, and there's no way he could even attempt to try and hide his tears at this point. So when he looks up slightly to see it's Taiki who's holding him (not too much of a surprise, this kind of quiet, yet gentle approach is so much like him) Inigo knows he has no choice but to give in. The pain weighs too heavy for him to try and hide it behind a smile like usually.

So instead he leans into the hold, his face burying itself into Taiki's shoulder as his own shoulders shake with sobs. Inigo's hands move to cling onto the other as if Taiki is his last lifeline.

His own heart felt like it was breaking. He knows, of course he knows that Inigo's bubbling happiness, his fooling around. He knew it held greater pain.

He doesn't even need to be a kirin to know that. No one who could stand holding his hand as they faced down hoards of demons... The look in Inigo's eye sometimes. Inigo was not as care free as he showed himself to be.

Taiki knows about hiding yourself from the world. He understands not being able to show pain.

He also knows how it is to be feel safe enough to show that pain at last. He is aware of the trust Inigo is putting in him right now.

He lets him cry, lets him cling and just strokes his hair softly, not saying anything for the moment. Just being there as if he could absorb some of Inigo's pain, take it away so it hurt his friend no longer.

If only such a thing were possible. Then again, even if it was, there's just no way Inigo would allow anyone to take his pain upon themselves. That's the very reason he's so obsessed with bearing everything all by himself, after all - if he has to suffer so others won't, then that's fine by him. And if he needs to cry all by himself in order to not make anyone worry about him or feel bad, then he'll do just that.

So by all measures, he shouldn't be doing this. He shouldn't be crying like this, leaning against Taiki. He'll just make the other worried - he might just draw forth that sad look he's seen in Taiki's eyes way too often. But he just can't stop. The pain is too much, and it keeps him from being able to stop now he's started.

He draws in a shakey breath, trying to regain enough air in his lungs to actually speak, although it's with a choked up voice.

"He turned me down."

He figures Taiki must know Yuki is gone. Anyone can look at the list of passengers, after all, and it's not like he's bothering to question why Inigo is crying. But this is the part that the other doesn't know - can't know, since it was something just between him and Yuki.

"He turned me down, and.. n-now he's gone. Maybe he left since he didn't want to be anywhere near me anymore."

Taiki just continued holding him. There was indeed a sad look in his eyes, how could there not be when Inigo was in such pain. Anyone in such pain would bring him sorrow but Inigo was so kind and gentle.

Which was why the next words were a shock. He had thought he knew why Inigo was upset, his boyfriend vanishing must have been a shock and there was always the fear, would he wake up one day in a suitcase or would he walk away from the platform next time they stopped?

But this... He had turned Inigo down? Why? How could he do such a thing?

"Inigo..." He hugged him tighter, "I'm sure that's not true. Who wouldn't want to be near you?"

Something about those words seems to make him laugh. Not an actual laugh, of course - there's no way he could laugh in a situation like this. It's more air than sound, just the most vague shadow of a laugh at the irony of that exact question before he sniffs and some more tears escape.

".. I guess you wouldn't see it. You're so sweet." That's just an objective fact. Taiki is so soft and gentle, of course he'd assume the best out of Inigo, even if the opposite is very clear. That sounds like Taiki alright. "Most people don't like me as easily as you do, you know.."

It's hard talking about this. It feels too much like exposing a weakness he doesn't want to expose - because he doesn't want to show Taiki his pain. He doesn't want to make the other feel bad, but he keeps on speaking before he can really think about what he's saying.

"I've been rejected so many times. Girls hit me. Friends tell me to go away. That's just.. just how it always goes."

That's why it's easier to play the clown. It's easier to act like the rejection doesn't get to him, even when it does.

"I thought like a complete idiot that this would be different for some reason."

He listened even though his heart broke even more. Because who could do such a thing to someone like Inigo?

He understands those who had hurt him on earth. Those that pushed him away, beat him up. He understood why they would do it to him, he was a cursed child. Not a human. Not like them at all. But Inigo? Inigo was sweet and kind and no one should reject him.

His arms wrapped tighter around him.

"It's not how it should go. If people hurt you then it says what they are like as people, and nothing about you. I'm sorry you were hurt so many times... I know it hurts when no one wants you, when people hit and push you away. It hurts a lot. But..."

He is silent for a moment, though the intensity of his hug doesn't change. "It's not just me who likes you. I know... I might not count." He's aware that as a kirin he is more likely to see the best in people. He doesn't see it as a problem, but he can understand where Inigo is coming from, when he can't trust Taiki's judgement.

"Lord Gyousou likes you as well. He wouldn't like you if you weren't a person worth liking."

He knows Gyousou's judgement has been wrong before. He knows it only too well. But this time he is certain it is not.

There's a lot to think about here. Most importantly the fact that Taiki says he knows it's hurts when those things happen, since it means the same must have happened to Taiki. And Inigo's thoughts mirror Taiki's own, almost to an unsettling degree. Because here he thinks Taiki is the one who is sweet and kind and shouldn't be rejected by anyone. How could anyone be mean to someone so borderline angelic?

But he knows it's probably not the best time to start a discussion about that. Not while Taiki is clearly putting so much effort into trying to cheer him up. Even though Inigo knows he deserved that treatment from people. It's since he's always doing the wrong thing. Being too pushy. Saying dumb things. Constantly being so misguided in his attempts to try and cheer others up. He's well aware of his many flaws, and the appropriate consequences he's being dealt for them.

Which is exactly the problem with the point Taiki brings up. Inigo doesn't try to move from the other's hold at all, but he smiles very, very wryly.

"I feel like I'm trying very hard to only show him my good sides though." How effective those attempts are is another story entirely, but still.. "I.. really wish for him to think favorably of me. Because he's.. well, you of all people know how great he is."

Gyousou is authorative, but not in a bad way. He isn't evil, nor meanspirited. Not to mention.. How could Inigo, who's been rejected by the king of his world, his father, not yearn for the recognition of another king instead to fill up the void?

"I fear he will hate me, so I try so hard whenever he's around. .. I do that with a lot of people, actually. Even with you. It feels that whenever people will see all of me, they'll hate me. And then I'll be all alone again in the end."

"He is like fire." He spoke softly, still holding Inigo. "A force so fierce and powerful that it can be easy to be afraid, but you also want to draw near. Because he is light and warmth and safety."

It's how he feels the Ouki but he can't imagine that other people don't get that general impression from him as well. A hungry tiger Gyousou had once told him he had been described as and it was sometimes true but there was something about him that made people want to be their best selves, show their best sides and give their all for him.

So he's not surprised by Inigo's words at all. Part of him worries, because if Inigo is truly hiding part of himself? What is he hiding? Does he harbour ill intent? Will he turn and betray them in the end?

Suspicion runs deep and though Taiki doesn't want to believe Inigo would ever hurt Lord Gyousou, part of him will never trust completely. Not even someone who seems so kind.

But then again, if he were hiding ill intentions then he would not openly admit to them. Perhaps. So it might be another facet of personality he fears to show.

"I wouldn't hate you."

That is stated as truth. He hates no one. He doesn't even hate Asen as angry and hurt he is about all the man has done to Tai. A kirin's heart is incapable of holding hatred and so from him, Inigo has nothing to fear.

Taiki's description of Gyousou seems apt enough for the impression he's gotten of the older man, so that's not what makes him stop and think. No, it's the second statement that does that trick. Taiki wouldn't hate him.. Does he mean that on a personal level? That's the impression Inigo is getting, considering he doesn't know nearly everything yet about what sets Taiki apart from regular people.

.. or maybe he just really wants to believe Taiki means it on a personal level. Maybe Inigo is just that desperate for approval from anyone, especially when he's feeling as vulnerable as he does right now.

He pulls back slightly - not fully out of the hug, but just enough so he can actually see Taiki as he speaks.

"People do though. And they.. they probably should. I'm a failure."

He smiles, but it's sad. It doesn't even come close to reaching his eyes.

"I'm a failure too." It's a painful truth and if Inigo believes that about himself, Taiki doesn't know enough about him or his past to be able to refute it. But he know he cannot hate Inigo for a thing such as that.

"If I were to hate you for that then I would be a hypocrite." Failure wasn't always a choice, it was very rarely a choice. Taiki knows all too well what it is to throw everything at a problem, only to see everything fall to pieces around him.

He met Inigo's sad gaze with one of his own. "Even if you have failed, I don't think anyone who knows you at all wouldn't be able to say that they were certain you tried your best."

Sometimes it is not enough. But he fully believes that Ingio gave everything he had, he doesn't seem the type of person who wouldn't.

"You're so sweet."

He manages to say it with a fairly even voice, but there's definitely more than just a hint in it of the fact that he has to make a lot of effort to make it sound that way. Something about it sounds like it could crack open at any moment. But just.. before saying anything else, he has to make sure to convey this sentiment. Because it's just true.

He doesn't think Taiki is a failure, but knowing the other, he feels like Taiki might not accept it so easily if he were to say that.. So it's easier to focus on something about the other that he does know is true, 100% for sure, and that's harder to refute. Taiki always works so hard to give support to others, no matter how quiet he can be. Even in this situation, he's telling Inigo that he does his best - and Inigo certainly wouldn't count hiding away in the luggage car and crying out his eyes as 'tryign his best'.

"But I.. I don't think that's entirely right. My father.. he told me he was disappointed in me."

His voice does crack a little there. It's just too much hurt at the very core of Inigo's being all summed up in that single statement for it to not show at all.

"And he's the Exalt. Surely he of all people would know who's a disappointment and who isn't."

"Inigo..." Arms wrap around him again and Taiki hugs him like his arms are the only thing that are holding Inigo together, to stop that crack becoming a break and his friend crumbling apart in front of him. For all he knows they are.

"No one should have told you that." Especially not his father. But considering what his own earth parents have thought of him, he can believe it completely. Not that he thought Inigo would lie, but often people thought others thought one way about them when it was not true.

But being told... "I don't know why he would say that. I don't know him." And he won't speak ill of Inigo's father. "But sometimes... People have expectations and just because you don't meet them, doesn't mean that you will not exceed the expectations of others."

He's seen nothing in Inigo that he would be disappointed about. But he's also aware that his words cannot mean much, when compared to that of Inigo's father and king.

Honestly, Inigo is rather glad that Taiki doesn't say anything bad about his father. Inigo may not know the guy much at all, but he's still so incredibly thirsty for approval and validation coming from his father. He can't help it. Besides.. he's sure his father just said that because it's true. Because he really is a disappointment to him.

He lets out a shakey breath, leaning into the hold Taiki has on him. At least it's a bit of comfort in the middle of all of this - of his hurt about his father, his hurt about Yuki, his hurt about everything.

"I'm not sure how many people's expectations I am currently meeting though.."

It doesn't feel like it could be many people, honestly. What has he ever done right? Not too many things.

"You meet my expectations." He far exceeds them honestly. Inigo is brave, he's a warrior. He's funny and confident and yet somehow he finds it in his heart to be kind to such a useless creature such as Taiki. Taiki will never understand why.

He knows he is not the only person who will feel such about Inigo. He is a hardworking, dedicated man. No one can dispute that he is trying his hardest in this strange place they have found themselves in.

"You more than meet them. I am very lucky to know you."

On the one hand, these kinds of words are expected from Taiki. He's so sweet. Would he have told anyone else anything else in this sort of situation? Surely he would have told them the same. It's tempting for Inigo's brain to see them that way. It's easier than accepting the thought that Taiki might really somehow genuinely think the world of him.

But then there are those last few words, and those just hit him straight in the weak spot. He recalls many people having told him before that anyone would be lucky to date him - although those are rather ironic now, considering how everything turned out - and now Taiki is saying he's lucky just to know him.

Inigo just straight up buries his face against Taiki's shoulder as he starts crying again. Audibly so. It's just too much, too overwhelming that anyone at all could consider themselves lucky to know him.

When he finally raises his face again a moment later, he fiercely shakes it, the tears still in his eyes and on his cheeks.

But it's not shaking it in total refusal of what Taiki is saying. He's trying to accept the compliment. No, instead it's just--

"I am lucky to know you, Taiki. I.. I genuinely don't know what I would have done if you weren't here right now." Probably just stayed here and cried by himself for the rest of the day before pretending to be okay to everyone while eating dinner, rather than letting it all out like this with someone to hold him. "My life has become brighter just with you in it, so.. I.. I know you will have to leave eventually, but.. at least say goodbye to me before then, okay..?"

He doesn't think he could take seeing Taiki walk away without any warning, just like Yuki. He won't hold Taiki back from anything important he might have to do back home, but at least if there's a goodbye, Inigo can keep the hope alive that one day he could just use the Outrealm Gate to come visit his friend again.

He feels a bit guilty that his words made Inigo cry like that, but he just holds him again, letting him cry until he calms. Inigo is in a lot of pain, and if this is all Taiki can do to help then he doesn't mind holding Inigo all day.

The words twist in his heart though. He is glad he has brought happiness to Inigo, but he doesn't think he deserves praise for it. He hasn't done anything. Even now with Inigo sobbing in his arms he can't do more than hold him, try and take some of that pain away.

He doesn't want to think about leaving, about anyone leaving. He doesn't want to be here. Or rather he can't be here. He needs to be in Tai. He and Gyousou need to return, to put things right. But leaving here... That is no guarantee they will return to Tai.

And even then... What Inigo is asking is impossible. For all Taiki knows people don't know when they will leave. He doesn't want to hurt Inigo, but nor will he lie to him.

"If it is within my power, I will never leave you without saying goodbye." He finally said, softly into Inigo's hair.

"You really couldn't tell an obvious lie just to make me feel a bit better, huh..?"

He's trying really hard to make it sound like a joke as he lifts up his face to look at Taiki, but it's hard to pull off jokes when he's been crying so hard. Even now his voice sounds choked, the tears still visible on his cheeks. At least it doesn't sound accusatory in the slightest - it's so much like Taiki to be realistic, even at a moment like this. Even when Inigo just really wants someone to pat his hair and tell him everything is going to be fine, even though nothing is ever fine. Nothing has been fine for years.

".. Thank you, though." He means that. "Even just that already means a lot to me. That you wouldn't willingly abandon me without a word."

Because even while logic dictates that it's not what Yuki did, or will do if Inigo watches him walk off the platform.. It still feels a little like it in the parts of his heart that have been weakened by constant rejection.

"Sorry..." He looked down, "Kirin can't... We don't really lie." They could. He had proven that. But it felt wrong, wasn't something he liked doing. Was not something he would do to a friend when there was no reason to.

He nodded though, it was as much as he could promise and he was glad Inigo accepted that. Because it was true, he would never want to leave Inigo without saying goodbye. But the world rarely worked like that, there were many people he never got to say goodbye to.

He hugs him again, as if he could transfer some last bit of strength to him. "We can stay here for a bit..." Since he doubts Inigo wants to wander out with eyes red from crying.

"But then you should get something to eat." And rest somewhere that's not a pile of suitcases.

There's a slight nod when Taiki says they can stay here for a bit. The other is right - Inigo really doesn't want to leave this carriage while he's still looking like such a mess. His hair messed up, his face stained, his eyes red from crying.. that's not any way he wants anyone to see him. He already feels a little bad showing it to Taiki and probably making the other feel worse as-is. But he definitely doesn't want to leave here before he's at least sure he's done crying for the moment.

.. Or maybe he doesn't want to leave here at all, since the next part of Taiki's suggestion doesn't sound nearly as good.

He bends to lean his head against Taiki's shoulder again.

"I don't feel like eating," he mumbles.

"Okay." His arms held him a little tighter. "You don't have to... If you don't want." He knows that it was important that Inigo eat, crying took energy after all. But also he isn't going to force him. Forcing someone to eat was not something he would do.

"I'll stay with you." He promised, "As long as you want... Though you can tell me to go away, if you need to be alone."

His hand smoothed the back of Inigo's hair softly, soothing him.

"No.."

He mumbles again, pressing himself even further against Taiki, to a point where Inigo almost seems like he's just boneless at this point.

"You don't need to go away. I'd never want you to go away."

There are moments where Inigo might prefer to be by himself to try and hide his pain.. But he knows that even at those moments, he secretly wishes that he had some company. Someone to lean on. Usually quite literally, considering how much he likes physical affection.

So he's more than fine with just staying like this for a while, as long as it won't trouble Taiki.

"Let's just.. stay like this for a while. Then I might start to feel better." Even if it may not exactly be the most comfortable spot to sit around.

"Okay." He nodded, stroking his hair gently. "We can stay here as long as you need." He would stay. He would sit here until they ended up back in their beds in the morning if that's what it took. He wouldn't leave Inigo until Inigo was ready.

It's not much, but it is all he can do to try and soothe his pain.

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(open) i don't know how to word it

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this tag is so long I'M SO SORRY

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wrap?