voidtreckerexpress | One Foot in front of the Other Foot [ota with closed prompts]

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One Foot in front of the Other Foot [ota with closed prompts]

Who: Taiki. There is an open prompt and then closed prompts for Inigo, Gyousou and Tidus.
Where: Kitchens, Library, Cinema
When: Horseshoe days 2-5
What: Taiki tries out some recipes from his vegan cookbook. Taiki and Inigo make food to cheer Tidus up, Taiki and Gyousou have a talk in the library and Taiki finally succeeds in tracking down Tidus.
Warnings: Taiki and Tidus' thread will have themes of disappearing/dying- purposefully to try and solve things- with mention of a past suicide attempt. I will add more things as they come up.

Day Two: The Kitchen [OTA]

Tidus' suggestion of a cookbook had come at a good time because as the month changed they once again had meat as one of the main ingredients. It was a little better this time, the meat was processed, already cooked and so entering the kitchen and store room was not an exercise in steeling himself against the smell of blood and raw meat.

He has his new book, Vegan: The Cookbook and has found a recipe for pizza. Considering pizza is one of the recipe's on the ICP this month he is confident that he should find the things to make it.

He moves carefully around the kitchen, gathering ingredients. Soon he has everything but cheese, the book simply says to use vegan cheese, which is not something they have.

He flicks through the book, looking to see if there are any suggestions for alternatives. He has found himself a corner to prepare food in but still feels like he is in the way, mumbling a 'sorry' to anyone who comes near. He hadn't meant for this to take that long...

Day Three: The Kitchen [For Inigo]

Permeating the whole of the last few days has been the lack of Tidus. Taiki has been worried about him, more than worried, ever since Roland told him what had happened on the platform. But despite many attempts he hadn't been able to find him. He wasn't answering his door, Taiki hadn't ran into him in any of his usual places.

He had kept trying, though he feared annoying his friend, the line between being worried and just irritating him so much that he wouldn't want to ever talk to him again was very thin, and Taiki didn't want to cross it.

But he was worried... And he knew Inigo was too, he had seen him around, seen him near Tidus' cabin. He knew he was just as worried, with Yuna leaving... So soon after whatever Tidus had seen on the mountain... It was too much.

He finds Inigo quickly, he's trying not to think about how easy that is to do, and holds out the two books in his hands. One is his cookbook and one is a book on bread making. "I told him I would cook him a meal... Maybe it will chear him up. Do you want to help?"

He doesn't think he needs to clarify who.

Day Four: The Library [For Gyousou]

The situation with Tidus was not the only thing Taiki was worried about. The flashes of the ouki from Inigo, that was worrying too. He knows it has something to do with what happened on the mountain. Something now linked his king and Inigo.

Just as he was certain that these flashes of confusion, of anxiety weren't completely his feelings alone. He was used to feeling overwhelmed and anxious, but this is more so.

Both things put together meant that at times like right now he did not want to stray from Lord Gyousou's side. So here he was, Gyousou was resting on a beanbag reading a history book called Book Not Found Taiki approached silently and sat on the floor next to him, not quite leaning on him but sitting close, his own book Summoning Magic on his knees.

Day Five: Cinema [For Tidus]

He still hadn't seen Tidus, not at all and he was more than worried. But if the other man didn't want to be found, if he was avoiding him and Inigo... then should they leave it? Was it better to allow him his space or make sure he knew they were here for him.

He didn't know but for the last couple of days he had just tried Tidus' room a couple of times. So it was a surprise, when he entered the cinema. He glanced instinctively at the screen, it showed some children clambering through a cave, holding torches as they explored. His eyes went back to where he was walking, scanning the seats and there...

There in the corner, his purple hood was pulled up but Taiki still recognises him.

"Tidus?"

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It's his arms being folded around one another that stops Tidus from the fiddling he'd surely be doing with his hands. Wondering if to speak, but the chance being lost to answer naturally.

Maybe he can say nothing and all, and that would be okay with Taiki. He's always been a quiet guy. Tidus tries for it, his gaze flickering from the movie to under the screen; waiting for something to happen, not wanting to appear distracted by a film he wasn't really watching in the first place.

He sits quietly, not moving his eyes from Tidus, not moving his hand and remaining quiet. It's so... Odd, Tidus being silent. When Inigo got upset he cried, he might try and avoid people but when found would cry and that was hard to see but... It was easier to know how to help.

Because Tidus is hurting. It screams from every movement. The folded arms, the silence, the ways his eyes stare at the screen, but don't seem to be watching at all.

For now he remained quiet, giving Tidus time, a moment to think and to talk if he wanted to. He doesn't want to put words in his mouth, or force him to speak.

The movie plays on: kids descending deeper underground, finding themselves before puzzles and setting off traps. Music setting the mood well with the cinematography, their searching finally bringing them into a wide and echoing cavern.

Usually, Tidus couldn't keep still or quiet during a movie--or for anything else, really. When he was younger, he defaulted to a mix of anger and silence, a fuse reaching its end. Back when his parents were gone, and he had Auron there to be a target, but also distrusted this new stranger in his life. When he wanted nothing to do with him, and wanted to show he didn't care he was there.

Tidus could do silence well. Here, they may very well reach the end of the movie without no exchange-- unless Taiki speaks first.

Taiki wasn't really paying attention to the movie at all, not even as background noise. Instead he was paying full attention to Tidus, watching him. He too is someone that can sit still and quiet for hours. He was well practised in drawing no attention.

He knows how it is, to be able to sit silently even under scrutiny, to say nothing because there is nothing you can say, because pain is so tight inside you that words cannot find their way through.

Sometimes silence can draw out words but at other time, when the silence is so absolute that it seems to take on a presence of it's own, the silence can be suffocating.

"Roland told me." He said eventually, his voice soft, his hand gentle. "What happened on the platform, I mean."

Tidus doesn't turn or look at Taiki completely, but his eyes flicker in his direction, listening to what he says. Silent, close to a non-responsive at first, but after a few seconds he gives the tiniest nod; small enough to be mistaken for a twitch, but not quite.

Eyes now down on his lap. Knowing how much that could mean, if Roland told Taiki everything.

He is watching Tidus carefully, his eyes not leaving him for even a second so he sees that eye flickers, sees that nod. Tiny but affirmative.

He has to trust that he is doing the right thing, pushing like this, rather than letting Tidus be. He should be here for Tidus at least and he fears that if he withdraws in the slightest Tidus will bolt, hide again.

So he swallows, finds words even as he he raises his hand to touch the side of Tidus' head. "Did... Did you know that would happen... If you took it off."

Had this been something terrible that Tidus had just discovered or had this been something... known somehow.

His reaction to the touch is small, perhaps hard to read. The hand on his arm had been easy to deal with, but the one to his head--he tries to do nothing though his gaze flickers, unsure of what to think of it. Small though, barely noticeable.

A reaction bigger given to the question asked. A moment needed to formulate the words, know where to put what. But-

"...I'm..." Slowly. Indecisive. "...Yeah."

'I'm a dream', 'I'm not human', 'I knew', slipping away, going for the simplest response. But it's easier to answer than it may have ever been before. It doesn't really matter anymore, does it? There's no secret to keep.

There's a reaction there. A slight... almost a start and then a single word. Yes. He had known. He had known that if he took his SCA off he would... fade? Disappear? He had thought that following Yuna was so important... That he would... vanish.

It might be that this was some power of Tidus', normal, just like his other magic. But if it were Tidus would not be like this. If it were he would not have answered so simply. He had never hidden any of his powers... Not as far as Taiki knew.

So it was not... safe. It was no a way for him to vanish and return it was just to... go.

And it's not something Tidus wants to tell him. He pauses, wondering how to help Tidus. Because really the 'why' Tidus fades away is not the important part. Truly the importance lies in the why Tidus had thought that was his only choice. Why he had... done that.

For Yuna yes, but it was beyond risky. Not that Taiki can blame him. After all...

"I..." He pauses. He doesn't really want to... draw the subject away. But at the same time. He remembers an art room. Hirose. Taiki had not dared open up to anyone in so long and he wouldn't have then. If Hirose Sensei had questioned him like the first time... But instead Hirose had shared his own feelings, of feeling out of place, of almost dying as a child and feeling he went to another place.

That had been what had helped Taiki feel he was not so alone and if he hadn't opened up to Hirose then... Would he had ever have survived to return to his own world?

"A year or so ago... When I was still on earth. A lot of... things happened. People were hurt and killed and though we didn't know how... It was clear it was because of me. A curse they said... My ego not forgiving those that wronged me and striking them down." He shook his head, "To me it was... obvious what had to happen. I had to not be there anymore... As long as I lived people were in danger." He shook his head, "It seemed the best way at the time but I was stopped... Later... Back in my own world we were up against such odds. We couldn't find Lord Gyousou, the kingdom was in ruins, the people were dying. I was useless and it would have been easier if those with me had killed me, to allow the next taika to grow and find a new king. They refused."

This is maybe not a great example because he's still not sure the right decision was made, but... "Sometimes I guess we think of what we could achieve and think it more than worth the cost... I mean... I'm sure you had a reason... You wanted to go after Yuna, didn't want to lose her. But... you could have lost you. We could have lost you..."

His voice breaks at that, he's been trying not to cry. To keep his composure as to not make Tidus feel bad. But he's so... He remembers Roland's expression in the luggage carriage. Shaken, worried. They had almost lost Tidus. Would vanishing count as death? Would he have woken up as those who died did? Or would he have just been gone... an ache in their hearts forever.

Tidus can't predict what it is Taiki is going to say, where it is his words will lead. 'To me it was... obvious what had to happen. I had to not be there anymore... As long as I lived people were in danger.' It doesn't sink in even then, until he goes onward, and Tidus finally turns his head to him. Unsure, his face drawn now in some mix of dread and confusion. Refusing to believe what Taiki was saying, but-- he was telling him this because of what he did. Because he...

...because that's what he chose to do, too. Even if he said, it won't hurt, even though he assured, it's fine. And he knew on some level, but he refused to believe it all the same. And even now he couldn't, the way this story digs deep into Tidus's ribcage, shortening his breath. A breath held. Taiki nearly gave up.

His eyes lower onto Taiki's lap, his fingers digging into the sides of his thighs. He remembers how everyone had reacted that day. It wasn't worth the risk. You have to trust her. Not you too. It scares him, some kind of parasite that he can't get rid of. Staring at Taiki's lap and not knowing what to say or admit, when-- when he'd been ready to do that. He would have been fine with it. Dying and dying and dying...

If they found some kind of answer, wouldn't it be okay?

Dying and dying and dying... should he really care, when he did the same?

Fading, dying, fading, dying... if it's really the same thing, then he-- then he really let everyone in Zanarkand go.

"I figured... I would come back." A small tear falls from his eye, yet the rest of him is quiet, his voice as lost as it has been this whole exchange. "If we knew a little more... we would know... where they go."

But it weakens second by second, the memory of Yuna: leaving, going away. How sad she would be. How he didn't know where she was now. A red blinking into his eyes. Tidus squeezes his arms around himself tighter.

"I won't see her again," he admits, "unless she...comes back to the train. I... I helped get rid of... my home... myself... we couldn't live if we were gonna stop Sin from returning. So I... I never told anyone what would happen. But I knew..."

His voice cracks, grows quieter under the weight. The movie no longer playing, the lights still dimmed. Tidus continuing to stare a hole into Taiki's lap.

"I wanted to know," he whispers, shoulders trembling, "she was okay."

He doesn't move his hand, doesn't move at all. A still creature, not daring to move in case he drew attention, in case he startled Tidus. He has pushed onwards, through what he said, even as Tidus stared at him in horror, confusion. Keeps going, to get his point across and when Tidus begins to speak he goes, if anything, even more still. He knows this is a vital point. If he does this wrong then Tidus will clam up, not talk again.

But he speaks, tears fall silently from Taiki's eyes. He's glad that Tidus had thought he would return, he hadn't quite meant it to be... forever. But it was still... It was still too much, that he would do such a thing.

And he continues, Taiki's heart breaks. This was what Tidus was holding inside him, the pain behind the smile and the carefree attitude. This was what had had him staring out on the mountain, eyes full of pain. Every interaction he had ever had with Tidus... He saw it in a new light. Tidus had... done something such as that. Had stopped something, with... his home forfeit.

So he would never see Yuna again... Never...

Taiki moved now, unable to not. His other hand came up to wrap around Tidus, around Tidus' arms that were already wrapped around himself. Holding him close. "I'm sorry.... that you had to carry that alone... That you had to do that..."

Because it was such a thing, something so weighty. Taiki had no idea how Tidus could still stand, still smile. Yet he did. He really was such a strong person. Yet to have had to do such a thing, to make such a choice.

He wished they knew what happened to those who left as well, that he had something to say. Something more than empty words. Some comfort he could offer his friend, some light in this darkness.

He pinches his lips together, swallowing over the harsh lump in his throat, the emotion that wants to spill out. Yuna, Yuna, Yuna. It was the hardest when he thought about her, the thought of her bringing the tears most of all. They had to be okay, didn't they? If what Nita said about Eva. But it was hard, despite the promise they made each other. To live, to not regret. To be together no matter what.

And then to think and remember everything else. She wouldn't see him in the Farplane. He always knew what the end of the dream would mean. At least he would go too. At least... but...

He never wanted to go.

His lips pinch tighter, and Tidus swallows again. Breathes through his nose, nostrils flaring in the effort to push down the upset that wanted to come up. Taiki's arms around him, but Tidus didn't dare to accept the comfort. They had no choice, but what about the rest of the dreams?

"I didn't try and save 'em," he says lowly, hard, some twisted desire in the words, inside his head. Because what pity does he deserve? Why should he get comfort, when he-- when he never even tried?

Even if--he doesn't want to be alone. He didn't have a choice...

Edited 2020-09-06 19:19 (UTC)

He shook his head, not letting go, his tears were dampening Tidus' hair, his hands were trembling where they held onto Tidus' hoodie. "You said... You said you couldn't live... if you were to stop sin from returning." He doesn't know what that means, but that doesn't sound like Tidus stood casually by and let his people die.

"On the mountain you said... you made a choice." His hands moved slightly, to rub circles on Tidus' shoulders. "It sounds like it was an impossible one."

He is a kirin. Every death is a tragedy beyond imagining. Yet to save Tai, to serve his king there was nothing he would not do. As painful as it would be. He trusts that as terrible as what had happened was, as terrible a choice as Tidus had made, it had been better than what would have happened if that choice had not been made.

He doesn't know Tidus all that well, but he knows him enough to know that. To trust that this pain, it had been caused to him to avoid a greater calamity. "You can cry for them... That doesn't mean that you did the wrong thing. Sometimes the right thing can hurt, sometimes it is terrible."

It was the question that Tidus had been struggling with, trying never to think about. An impossibility, but for some reason it haunted him now in being alive again. A What if, and any pretence in making himself out to be something he never chose to be-- it dissipates easily. He doesn't want to be hated. Not by Taiki. Not by a friend.

Tidus's shoulders tremble all the more, and it's difficult, to find a way to bring out the question. There in his throat, but everything else threatening to come out with it. Arms shifting to allow his hands to slip up, pushing the ends of his palms into his eye sockets. To redirect his body's focus from the desire to cry with the pain instead.

He struggles to speak, quiet and pained.

"What if...there was...another way?"

And he had just been too proud to bring it up. Because he didn't want to see Yuna cry. Because he didn't want to talk about it. Repeating the same dumb mistakes of his dad, and--giving in, thinking that was it. That it couldn't get any better than sacrificing the dream for the rest of Spira.

But here he was--alive. Living.

He lets him move, loosening his arms enough to allow the movement whilst not letting go completely. He won't let go, he can't.

There's so much pain, so much that Tidus has been holding onto and Taiki isn't surprised the words are taking a long time to draw out, he just waits, listens.

The question makes him tilt his head, still stroking Tidus' shoulders, when he speaks his voice was soft. "Was there?"

What if is a terrible question, the sort to lodge in a heart, refuse to leave.

I don't know. I don't know, I don't know I don't know.

He can't get it out of him, shaking his head instead, a muffled attempt lost in a choked sob and stars collecting behind his bruised eyes. Tidus pulls away and out of Taiki's affection, dropping to take a hold of the arm of the chair as he picks himself up onto shakey feet, and unsteady weight in him. Staring down at Taiki, but hardly, a hiccup leaving him before words do. His face a splotchy mess.

"I didn't ask to make a decision!"

Tidus grabs the back of the chair in front of him to help him move forward, to head out onto the aisle and in the direction of the sleeper cabins. His cabin, out of sight, away from this shame, but it'll never truly leave.

And he hates how he can't get this What if? out of his head, out of his brain. Following him, when it once never seemed possible or made sense. But now, it could. It could have. How does he know? How does he know-

He lets Tidus pull away. He doesn't want to. But he also doesn't want to force him to stay within his arms. He feels a stab of guilt, his question... It was too much. Tidus is walling himself off again. He doesn't want to talk more.

But Taiki can't just let him go. Not when he is... He's in pain and Taiki can't just leave him, can't just let him go off to be in pain alone.

If he thought Tidus would go and find others, friends better to help than Taiki was he would not argue. But if the last five days are any example then he will just disappear again, hide away, hurt alone.

He takes a breath, stopping his own tears. Stepping to follow Tidus, reaching out to touch his shoulder.

He's not sure what he will do if Tidus shoves him away, but he hides that fear.

"Not many do." His voice was calm, soft, sad but even. "You could only act with what you knew, at the time. Thinking after... there are always what ifs. No one should have to make such a decision... But you did."

Right or wrong. It didn't matter really.

Tidus doesn't quite shove Taiki, but in the instance he touches him, Tidus doesn't exactly register it as him, goes to keep moving before pausing close to the same second. A confused and uncertain set of actions. He's ready to speak, to tell Taiki to let him go, but holds his tongue when Taiki speaks first.

He doesn't turn to look at him, his body hunched, hands on the front set of seats. His breath ragged to breathe in, breathe out. And he doesn't think as he says-

"I should be with them."

--with finality, as fact, before he moves to keep on walking to leave. Not wanting to have to face those words, and how much harder it makes everything to feel once they're out.

He feels guilty the moment that Tidus tries to pull away. He knows he should let him go, he's not helping. He's just hurting... Tidus hadn't even wanted to speak to him and it was Taiki who had forced this, who had made him speak of this.

Every part of Tidus shows he doesn't want him here, wants to be alone. Even if that feels wrong, Taiki isn't sure what is right to do. Stay or let him go.

The words pierce him but he understands, it is a terrible thing but he can understand why Tidus feels so. They are his people, his family, those he knows. That they are gone and he is not is a painful thing. Of course he wants to be with them.

"You're allowed to feel that." He doesn't need Taiki's permission even, but sometimes it is... easier. To hear that you are allowed to be sad, even if it feels you shouldn't dare.

He loosens his hand though, not pulling away. Not wanting Tidus to think he is pulling away, but letting Tidus go if he wants to.

His next words are quiet. "I'm glad you are not."

He doesn't want to feel it. He doesn't want to hear those words. And he can't be here anymore, to have to acknowledge what was said, what was heard--out from his own mouth and now in the open.

Tidus doesn't look back when he leaves, and just does.

He stares after him, tears in his eyes, wanting to say something, call him back, go to him. But he's made it clear he doesn't want to stay and Taiki can't bring himself to follow. Can't bring himself to anger his friend.

The tears threaten to fall in earnest but he holds them back, makes his face carefully blank. He stands there silently as Tidus walks away and then turns to go in the other direction, his mind reeling.

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One Foot in front of the Other Foot [ota with closed prompts]

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cw: mention of suicide attempt

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cw: idk depressing thoughts...about death

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