voidtreckerexpress | (closed) a secret is only a secret when it is unspoken to another

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(closed) a secret is only a secret when it is unspoken to another

Who: Alice and Crowley
When: Horseshoe 13
Where: The greenhouse
What: It's time to talk bonds.
Warnings: Nothing so far, will edit!

It's not as if this hasn't been on Alice's mind before. But with the mission suddenly cutting in, all her focus has been on that the past few days - if not just to make sure certain people ~~who can't seem to go without babysitter supervision~~ were alright.

But now she's back on the train with more spare time, Alice figures it's finally time to talk about all these odd sensations she's been having recently. At first it was easy to attribute it to her own mind still being nowhere near normal people's, but the more she started to feel the odd sensations, the more it felt.. odd. Not like her usual brain oddities. It felt different. Like it was coming from outside of her.

And honestly, assuming it might have something to do with Crowley is just a guess. But considering how nice he was to her during the whole incident with the memories back on that island, Alice honestly doubts Crowley would even mind if she'd ask if he's been experiencing the same thing.

It's why Alice ends up approaching the demon when she sees him near his gardening plot.

"Crowley," she says at first, trying to draw his attention. "Do you have a moment?"

See, she's actually bothering to be polite. Semi-polite. Polite by Alice's standards. The point is, she wouldn't bother to ask that unless she genuinely liked someone.

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Crowley's always been good at masking his emotions. Keeping himself from looking sympathetic in hell required it, so a perfectly crafted pokerface was something to be proud of. It had come into use lately. He'd been a bit emotional since being reminded of Aziraphale’s discorporation by fire. There had been a moment of vulnerability with him on the beach, one that he confusedly hadn't recovered from... maybe? Was it something else?

"Odd how?" he asks, giving her a quizzical look as he finds a wall to lean up against. "Like maybe not quite myself?"

It's the only way he can think of to describe it, and while he thought maybe all the bottled up emotions regarding theoretical loss might have been the cause of how particularly clingy he'd been to his angel, he hadn't considered alternatives. Had Alice not felt herself too?

She nods. Something about the way the demon puts it is rather relieving - just the fact that he went for a description that she would very much have given herself about these odd feelings. They feel different. Alice has spent enough time with her feelings to know they're not hers. Or not exactly, either way.

"Exactly like that. As far as I can tell, it's been happening ever since.." Her voice trails off for a moment, like she's trying to figure out how direct to be when it comes to refering to what they had gone through. In the end - perhaps out of a sense of wanting to avoid seeming too vulnerable - she opts to stay vague. ".. since the island."

Crowley sighs, his neck craning side to side as if he's trying to work something out. His own feelings are complicated, he's never really allowed himseld to just feel them, so he'd assumed the problem was singular. Still, that complicated things, and made each feeling that he didn't understand escalate and complicate further, often leaving him an anxious mess. Even Aziraphale had noticed, he's sure.

"Yup." he mutters, "Thought it might have just been me. Are you still having memories?"

He asks this question, but he hasn't. He does feel, however, that it's important to guage just how bad it's been for her.

"Not that I have, I just mean... do you think we're still linked somehow?"

"Not memories. Or, well, nothing quite like what we saw there," she says, shaking her head this time. If only it had been those flashes of memories, at least those would have made it clear what was going on here much more quickly. Rather than Alice spending a week or two on the train and then that entire mission wondering what was off with her. "I initially thought it was just me as well. It's not uncommon for me to feel.. off in certain ways."

Though she's downplaying it, she figures he will know what she means. He saw her in the asylum in that last memory, after all, and you don't just get locked up there for nothing.

"But the more I think about the odd things I keep feeling, the more it seems like they are coming from the outside rather than from my own mind. And what or who would they be coming from, if not for you? Especially if you haven't been quite feeling fully like yourself as well."

"I can't admit to the same." he muses, hands shoving deep into the pockets of his jeans to keep them from nervously picking at one another. "I've been me for... well... millions of years, I suppose. There weren't really years back then- Anyway, this has really uh... thrown me off."

Crowley might not admit such a thing to any other person, but this is a special case. In fact, hearing her say this is actually a relief. He wasn’t sure what was going on, and now that he knows its her, he can separate it from his own complicated and inhuman (or maybe more human than he thinks) emotions.

It's a little surprising to see him like this.

Not that Alice doesn't know Crowley has emotions. She saw his memories, after all - especially that last one. That one made it very clear that he's not always in control, even though it sure seems like it when he acts like his usual self. But him admitting it so candidly to her.. It must means he has quite some trust in her, willing to show his vulnerability.

It feels heavy. She isn't used to it. No one ever trusted her before, let alone with something this big, and it renders her quiet for a moment, unsure of what to say. Her gaze darts around the carriage for a moment before returning to his face.

"I.. can imagine," she opts to say, even though she still feels unsure as to whether they're the right words. Alice has never been good at being delicate, even when she tries. Like now. In fact, when she speaks up again, there's even obvious concern in her voice. "Are you alright?"

She can imagine he may not exactly be. Especially since Alice knows how messy her feelings can be at times, and if he's suddenly had to feel him-- it must have been more than weird.

Admitting this to her doesn't feel that heavy to him after what they'd collectively been through. The fact that she knows his deal at all is bigger to him. Once you know you're dealing with a demon, the rest of Crowley's life isn't really that weird.

"I'm... relieved." he admits with a sigh, and he looks it. He had spent the last few weeks thinking there had been something terribly wrong with him. Having all of the feelings of a teenage girl (not that he knew that's what he was feeling) and no explanation for it made him afraid. It would have been different if he was sad and he understood why.

"Are you?" he asks, more concerned for her, "Okay, I mean?"

She nods. The look in her eyes makes her answer seem genuine.

"I'm used to it." More or less. This is the first time she's feeling the feelings of someone else rather than her own, sure, but her feelings being a total mess? Being unable to tell what is real and what isn't, what she can or can't trust? That's very normal to Alice, even with her own mind.

It's not something she'd readily admit to anyone, but Crowley is trusted enough to say it out loud like this.

"My mind is more often than not a mess. That's why I was locked up." The asylum. He saw it back then. "So if anything, I mostly feel sorry that you now have to share that with me."

Crowley may be a demon, and slightly odd, but regardless of what he would say about himself, he's good. He doesn't deserve to deal with Alice's broken mind, her odd emotions.

There are many stories about demons and the humans who had summoned them, drawn sigils in chalk and bound them to it, insnaring them and their power in hopes it will grant them their own. Occultists, ceremonial magicians, any humans that claimed a demonic familiar whether or not they'd actually had one. Crowley never saw himself as the type of demon to get caught up in such a mess, even when a particular magician had renamed himself with Crowley's own. Of course, nothing Crowley ever saw himself doing included a magical train, nor being caught in a void for that matter. Being bound in a way to a human could certainly have been worse, at least in this case, it's a human he can say that he's genuinely fond of.

"You'd be surprised to know that modern medicine has advanced well past locking someone up because they're sad." he notes, watching her carefully. "I don't think you're a mess. I think that you were born in an unfortunate time when the world wasn't prepared to treat you."

Of course, now that Crowley knows these feelings aren't his own, he can properly deal with them, allocate them to a part of his mind and focus on the others. Creative solutions, that's what Crowley was all about. Having been mistaken for a doctor from time to time has given him more insight than he'd likely have sought out himself. He's no expert, but he's walked the earth for it's entire existence and seen how humanity has grown. If not for that, he has a lovely addiction to human television, which has kept him fairly in-the-know. If that wasn't enough, had he known a little more about human anxiety he'd likely been able to diagnose himself with it.

"There aren't many humans on the earth that aren't on some sort of medication, by the way." he notes, finding a seat nearby. "I'd say that being a mess is fairly normal."

For a moment Alice doesn't say anything. She just stares at Crowley. This wasn't quite where she expected the conversation to go - but even if she had, she would have been similarly speechless. Sure, Alice may have heard many more nice things on this train than she ever has back home, but it's never quite been like this. Never someone knowing fully well what she's like, and yet saying she's normal.

And Crowley wouldn't lie to her. Alice knows-- or, well, at the very least thinks that. He wouldn't flatter her without reason, surely. Without believing in what he was saying.

".. You think so?" There's a hint of something more vulnerable to her tone, even though it's mostly surrounded by confusion.

After a moment of awkwardly standing there, she finds a place to sit down near him.

"But I-- I still see things. Things that other people don't see." She hopes that, despite their sudden shared emotions, that is at the very least something he's spared. Hopefully their minds aren't tangled together that far. "Is that not the very definition of not being normal?"

Crowley shrugs in reply. "Meh, good, bad, normal... these are all subjective words. Loads of people see things." he comments, "At least I think." He doesn't, but he has his own issues he deals with. "I mean, you know they aren't real, right? You aren't hurting anyone."

Crowley thinks of the first memory of Alice's he saw. She certainly had hurt someone, but with good reason. Crowley himself had been responsible for a human life or two, rerouted a bomb to be deployed on a few half-witted nazis that no one would miss, that sort of thing...

"Anyway, my point is, don't worry about me. Having you in my head isn't trouble at all."

"I'm.. not sure," she honestly admits. Most of the time she's pretty sure she can tell, but at other times she isn't so sure at all. She's better than she was a few years ago, that's for sure, but Alice still doesn't feel like she has a complete grip on her mind just yet. But she does know that the other thing Crowley says is very true. "... But I don't want to hurt anyone who doesn't deserve it."

Granted, that means there have been some people she really did want to stab on the train for their crimes. But she's been good and trying to hold herself back - if not just for the sheer headache she knows dealing with the aftermath would be.

She releases a breath though, sighing.

"I feel a bit better knowing you don't mind though. I don't know if just anyone could put up with it like that." So maybe it's just since Crowley also isn't exactly normal.

.. Or maybe it's since he's nice.

"So thank you for being so.. accomodating? Is that a word I am allowed to use?" It's hard to tell if she's trying to tease Crowley slightly or is genuine asking.

Crowley himself is a bit beyond violence. The ones on the train that he finds completely intolerable he either avoids, or if he's forced an interaction, miracles them into the baggage car. Sometimes causing someone an repeadedly dramatic inconvenience was more fun that hurting them... and in many cases, had better results.

"Come off it," he scoffs before even giving her enough consideration to determine if she's joking or not. Truly if it were anyone else, he'd probably be complaining about them even speaking to him, let alone being in his head.

It occurs to him that having a demon in one's head isn't a delight in and of itself, of course, but outside of deep romantic feelings for a certain angel on board, the generalized anxiety and constant boredom might be the worst she has to put up with.

"This can't last forever, right?" he jokes, although as soon as he's said it he worries it will. Hopefully each of their unique mental issues won't compound on one another too hard.

If anything confirms that the odd feelings she's been having are coming from Crowley, it's this very moment. Him saying those words, and then immediately after a worry hitting her. Maybe not too heavy, not overwhelming, but very easy to feel all the same.

For a moment Alice wishes that she was a more positive person. That she could give him a reassuring answer without feeling bad about lying.

But she can't.

"We're victims to the whims of the train. .. Or that odd island, I suppose."

Whatever the cause may be. Does it matter?

"There always is some greater force trying to control us, isn't there."

Alice doesn't know the half of it. God plays an ineffable game of Her own choosing, one that Crowley himself had been tossed from Her grace for questioning. He didn’t know if She was watching him now, couldn't understand how the mechanics of being taken from Her presence would even work.

"Inescapable." he groans lazily, an implication of just how tired he was of dealing with great and unknowable beings treating him as a pawn in their game.

He regards Alice for a moment as a question comes to his mind, nervous of exactly what has been hitting her from his own end, maybe if only because it might make him seem much more vulnerable than he lets on... or worse, soft.

"What erm--" he starts, "Nevermind. If there's anything odd that you get of mine in that head of yours, I assume you'll keep it to yourself, yeah?"

She gives him a bit of a curious look for a moment, like she's trying to figure out what Crowley was trying to say. But when he continues, Alice is a lot quicker to respond. It's something she doesn't even have to think about.

"Of course. Why would I go around telling anyone about any of your business?" And who would she even tell in the first place, really? It's not like Alice is the most social person around. But even if she was, she wouldn't betray Crowley's trust like that. No way.

There's a pause, slight hesitation. Alice idly plays with a strand of her hair while thinking, winding it around a finger, until she decides to just ask it.

"Are you worried? Not about me telling people, I mean-- in general."

Crowley scoffs in the way that suggests her question is a bit of an understatement. Is he worried-- when, in the past several thousand years of his existence, hasn't he been worried? Worried was perhaps Crowley's default setting. Anxiety, paranoia, always looking over his shoulder, it came with the territory. He was on heaven's shit list for being fallen, and he was on questionable terms with hell, all things considered. Crowley kept things hush-hush, Crowley made plans, insurance in case things went pear-shaped. He had to be, and that never changed just because he'd skipped on to another world.

Except Crowley couldn’t really admit that, could he? Not even to Aziraphale... their individual anxieties would likely compound on one another. So instead, he just shrugged.

"I'm fine."

Edited 2020-10-23 23:24 (UTC)

"Are you sure that's the answer you want to stick to?"

In any other case, she may have sounded a bit harsh saying that. Not bothered to dampen her tone from the way it usually sounds. Alice likes hiding her own worry - about others, anyway - under scolding, after all.

But this feels like such a delicate topic. Especially with someone she is quite literally emotionally connected to. So it's a bit softer. Maybe more a warning, because--

"I'm not saying that you have to say anything, it's just.." She pauses, then spreads her arms a bit. "I will be able to feel what you are feeling either way. So-- please don't make me say 'if you ever need someone to talk to' or something equally sappy. Let's just imply it, alright?"

Crowley scowls a bit at the question, almost hissing in his response.

"Let's not turn this into a thing, yeah?" he responds, then takes a deep breath in, holding it for a moment while he parses through his thoughts. Crowley had never discussed such anxieties with anyone, always having dealt with them himself. It's just that sometimes that is easier than other times.

"I mean it. I'm fine. I've always been fine, I'll always be fine. Millennia of being fine under my belt already." he begins to ramble, stopping himself from continuing with a slight shake of his head. "You're right." he huffs, "I'm here for you, as well."

Well, Alice knows a brick wall when she sees it. Even if she could point out that having to repeat over and over that you're fine is usually a sign that you're exactly the opposite of fine.. she won't. It wouldn't be right to pry that far. Especially if it's just how he copes.

So instead she tries to keep things light - as good as she is at that, anyway, which is to say not very much at all - as she lets out a breath.

"I thought I said we were going to imply it! Now who's the one being sappy?"

"Who's being sappy?" he asks defensively, arms outstretched, "I'm not being sappy. You know where to find me. If you didn't, you wouldn't have found me here." he gestures to the vibrant plants nearby.

"Not that it's hard. Walk long enough in one direction and you're bound to find anyone on this train."

If there ever was something true, it's that last part. Then again, it comes with the downside of it being really hard to avoid people when you just want to be alone for once in this place.

.. but she supposes running into familiar faces may make it just slightly worth it. Just a tiny bit.

"Sure. Then live with the fear of not knowing when I may show up next."

Not that she really thinks Crowley is afraid of that, of course. It's just.. you know. An introvert joke, probably.

This is precisely why Crowley was fond of the private cars, and would stake his claim on one every moment he could.

His eyebrows raise at such a threat, one that also makes him cackle a bit in response. "Only if you're okay with sharing it." he replies, meaning the fear of course, since she seems to know whatever's going on in his head.

There's a momentary raise of her eyebrows when he cackles, as if she's not quite sure where this is going to go..

But then instead she faintly rolls her eyes when he's done talking. It's fondly though. By Alice standards, anyway. Well, at least they can still make light of the situation, as odd as it is.

"Just don't make me feel anything too odd or I will know where to find you to demand an explanation."

There's a moment when she says that where Crowley feels a tinge of concern, and it's only because he'd immediately thought of the angel Aziraphale and all the terrifying emotions that came along with the thought of him. Terrifying only in a sense of how fragile a demon's ego might be should a human know he shares a deep love with one very stuffy angel. And of course, any teasing he might have to endure because of it. He brushes it off, making a bit of a face, but trying not to show too much on the surface. If anything, this bond with Alice will be a test of his patience with seeming vulnerable time to time.

"I imagine there will be times I'd rather you not find me at all." he mutters, concerned for his privacy, "At least not immediately."

Talk about getting a cryptic message from a demon, huh.

"Is that a threat?" She asks, not really seriously. Sure, she can't imagine Crowley being particularly happy about someone stumbling upon him while he is dealing with an emotion, considering how he doesn't seem to deal well with vulnerability. (And hey, that makes two of them.) But she doesn't think he'd actually hurt her.

Which is why, a second later, she continues, "I wasn't serious, you know." Another beat, and then she tilts her head slightly. "Well, not entirely."

If it's too weird then you can't just make her live with that without an explanation, Crowley. Okay. Please. She is trying to be respectful here, but she already has enough weird emotions of her own to live with.

"At least give me a warning or something in case things are about to get truly odd."

"Only if you take it as one." he replies, sneering slightly. "More like a warning. I close doors for a reason."

His eyes roll slightly at the idea she's presented. If he's feeling any emotion particularly strongly, he's fairly certain that warning Alice might be the last thing on his mind.

"I don't make plans for that sort of thing, you know." he tells her, but gives her a sympathetic look, "All I can say is I'll try."

Part of her wants to protest. Or say that this isn't exactly easy for her either. But.. she knows. What he's saying is only logical. Who plans a breakdown or any other strong emotion before it happens, huh? Even people who are a bit more in charge of their own mind than she is probably don't have that level of control about it.

So she just releases a slow, deep breath.

"Fine." Message understood. Not like she can ask for more than that, as awkward as this is most likely going to be at times. "Then I'll leave you to your plants again."

Crowley can sense that it wasn't the answer she wanted to hear, at least he knows it's likely not the one he would have wanted if he were her. Having sympathy really is a curse, isn't it?

With a deep breath of his own, he attempts to make the peace, moving back across the area toward his plot of dirt.

"You don't have to go if you don't want." he mutters, eyeballing the snoring wobble dog in its little mud hut. "I was going to re-home some of these smaller plants, the larger ones are rooting a bit too big and I don't want them to feel crowded."

Dear god, how does anyone navigate social situations? Is there some sort of handbook on it that Alice just never recieved? Did everyone get social situation classes while she was stuck locked away as a young girl and then a teenager? It sure is feeling like it, since for a moment Alice has no idea how to even reply to what he's saying. It's just beyond anything she's ever dealt with - someone actually telling her she doesn't have to go.

"Are you sure?"

Look, she knows it's a dumb question, but what else is she supposed to say! She's not used to people saying this!

"You don't want some private time with your plants?" And his.. dog-like creature.. Whatever it is again.

Look, Crowley isn't an expert either, but he's been walking the Earth as long as it's existed, so he's learned a thing or two.

"I wouldn't have said so if I wasn't." he notes, not even really looking at her as he replies, off to his tasks. He realizes then that he doesn't have any gardening gloves, and would rather not get dirt under his nails. After a snap of his fingers, there's a pair for him to slip on, as if they were there the entire time.

"If I wanted privacy I'd be behind a locked door." he assures her, finally looking over his shoulder. "Either I'm sleeping or I'm with company. You understand."

After hesitating for the slightest moment more, Alice just moves to get comfortable near another patch of flowers that Crowley isn't working on. One might think she'd get bored just sitting there, but really, daydreaming among the flowers is exactly the sort of thing Alice does to spend her free time - though she at least feels a tad too embarassed to actually try to talk to them while in company. Even if it's Crowley.

Instead she just stares at him, not even blinking as there are suddenly gloves there which weren't there a moment ago. This wouldn't have been odd even if she hadn't seen him do something similar before.

She closes her eyes once she's comfortable enough.

"Oh please, I don't need to hear about your exploits with company."

Doesn't even want to think about it, thanks! Alice is good just never thinking about romance. Or anything worse beyond that.

Funny coincidence, because Crowley himself has made quite a habit out of talking to his plants. At least taking out his anger on them. Funny that a demon who questions God's will so often would choose to play God on his houseplants, but the method works.

Slipping on his gloves, he begins to uproot some of the smaller plants from his plot into a nearby pot. The disturbance to the dirt wakes the sleeping wobbledog, who groans and stretches in his little hole.

"You asked me to warn you." he notes, packing in some additional dirt. "You know, of odd feelings."

His eyes dart to the side, looking at her without turning his head. It's kind of nice to see her comfortable, resting there. Crowley isn't sure he's ever seen her not looking nervous or uncomfortable before, at least outside of her memories, and it brings a soft smile to his lips before he looks back to his own task.

For a moment she still sits there like that. Eyes closed.

But then that sentence fully seems to dawn upon her, and Alice cracks open an eye. Then another. Her head turns in Crowley's direction, watching him deal with the plants.

"No." She says. Almost incredulously. Please tell her you're kidding, Crowley? Is this a joke? A bad joke, but a joke, right.

But a moment passes and Alice slowly realises this doesn't sound like a joke.

"No.." A tone with all the agony of a middle schooler forced into math class. "You can't be serious. I don't know how to deal with that."

While it does occur to him that perhaps neither of them are really used to or equip to deal with a feeling such as love, he'd much rather not say such a word out loud. At least not where anyone but the person he has those sorts of feelings for can hear. He's always been a hopeless romantic, but just so, he's still figuring out that it's okay for him to feel such emotions to begin with, let alone what they all mean.

"I don't need your judgement, you know." he huffs, pushing one of the relocated plants to the side so that he can give her an offended glance. "If I have to deal with your weird teenage girl emotions, you'll have to deal with- er-- whatever I'm feeling." he continues, waving a hand in the air during the last part of his sentence.

The wobble-dog is properly alerted, poking it's stupid head out of it's nap spot to stare at Crowley, all of it's eyes blinking at different times and making him groan irritably. Seven hells, he hates that thing. He can even hear the thing's tail whacking against the mud, likely due to the excitement it feels seeing the demon that resents it so much.

Edited 2020-11-12 22:23 (UTC)

"I doubt these are normal teenage girl emotions."

Look, Alice is at least self aware enough to realise she is pretty far from being the stereotypical teenage girl. Even just by her own time's standards, she isn't even thinking of modern teenage girls yet!

She glances over at Crowley, following his gaze towards that odd creature that she's seen before, and then back to Crowley with a sigh.

"At least I'm not giving you any.." 'mushy feelings', she almost says, but can already kind of anticipate what kind of reaction the other would give to that. And she so does not want to deal with it. ".. you know what I mean. You're getting off relatively light!"

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(closed) a secret is only a secret when it is unspoken to another

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