Roland Crane (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
adregem) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
voidtreckerexpress2020-11-03 02:01 am
adregem) wrote in voidtreckerexpress2020-11-03 02:01 am
the voidtrecker cafe is now open? ☕ a november catch-all!
Who: Roland Crane x OTA!
Where: Various places, specifically/primarily: the Kitchen and the Gym.
When: Spanning most of early Imagination, from Imagination 1-12 (pre-mission weeks).
What: Join the train's resident president as he explores various degrees of hobby-making, training, and whatever else comes between work and sleep.
Warnings: Self-indulgent Barista!Roland as the primary prompt. No apologies given!!!
01 - good to the last drop?
It's your sense of smell that's engaged first. Walk upstairs unto the second floor of the Kitchen, and it's impossible to miss. Its wafting aroma may even reach below the floor, enticing you to come up out of curiosity. For those who come from Earth in particular, it's a smell that feels fond and nostalgic, invoking busy work days and people-watching by busy tables.
Almost true to the designated name of the month, there is an invitation to be swept away by the roast of coffee beans stirring the imagination. The air around here is unbelievably fragrant, almost sweet. And the amateur roast master for as long as supplies last is a dutiful figure - Roland Crane, in a simple polo shirt and an apron tied to his waist, standing behind the steel counter with an open crate of supplies from his recent purchase at the store. The communal coffee maker is there too, but his spread is more meticulous this time around. Two bags of coffee beans labeled 'hazelnut creme' and 'dark arabica' to one side, with batches already ground up. The portable grinder is small, but it matches the moka pot for espresso. Hot water already reaching the boil, with bottles lined up like they're ready for service: a couple of syrup selections, bottles of milk, cream, sugar, then finally the hero of the month: honey in various containers.
He's reading a book from the counter, head tilted down, but don't let that stop you from approaching. He's got something brewing, in more ways than one. In fact, as soon as he notices you, he'll offer a small smile, abandoning the task of reading altogether as he goes for his tools. Cups and mugs within reach, but he'll pretend to write something on them with his pen. An inside joke that may or may not connect, but he commits to the immersion anyway:
"Hey, welcome back. Don't worry, I remember you. And what you ordered last time. Heh."
Kick back. Relax. Have a cuppa of honey and coffee and let Roland the barista hear your tales of woe. Or joy? Whatever you're willing to share. He'll listen. He's got the experience, trust him.
(The tip jar to the very end of his work station is absolutely fake.)
02 - a moving target.
[ At the Gym, some time before mission information goes up and Roland heads straight into his usual business mode, you will find him with his pistol. But for those who have seen him in action already, there's something decidedly different this time around. The gun in his hand, although already more futuristic and magical in its design, is looking more spruced up. An extra barrel that makes it bulky, and the muzzle shaped odd. There's something there that was not there before.
And the only time you will see this for yourself is when he takes a deep breath...and aims at the makeshift targets from a distance. They're staggered, purposely left in random formations. When Roland shoots, his left hand holding the trigger, the usual sound of a gun firing filling the car...Until it stops and suddenly a grappling hook comes out instead. A weird combination, but it fires just as fast as the bullets and there's a struggle to reach the farthest dummy.
Unfortunately, it doesn't quite catch. And so Roland retracts it back, the fiber cable making a sharp whizzing sound as it returns to the gun. ]
[ He sighs. ] This is going to take some getting used to before I even think about making new moves.
[ Approach him here, for training, and he'll be a happy partner. ] Say, got something small I can use to try and grab with my new toy, here? I promise I won't break it. [ Roland nods, jokingly but also, how could he lie to you with such an earnest face? ]
03 - Wildcard!
[ For anything else you may want to do! Am on Discord < Titallenial#7701 > for plotting ideas. Am always open, and will follow your lead! ]
Where: Various places, specifically/primarily: the Kitchen and the Gym.
When: Spanning most of early Imagination, from Imagination 1-12 (pre-mission weeks).
What: Join the train's resident president as he explores various degrees of hobby-making, training, and whatever else comes between work and sleep.
Warnings: Self-indulgent Barista!Roland as the primary prompt. No apologies given!!!
01 - good to the last drop?
It's your sense of smell that's engaged first. Walk upstairs unto the second floor of the Kitchen, and it's impossible to miss. Its wafting aroma may even reach below the floor, enticing you to come up out of curiosity. For those who come from Earth in particular, it's a smell that feels fond and nostalgic, invoking busy work days and people-watching by busy tables.
Almost true to the designated name of the month, there is an invitation to be swept away by the roast of coffee beans stirring the imagination. The air around here is unbelievably fragrant, almost sweet. And the amateur roast master for as long as supplies last is a dutiful figure - Roland Crane, in a simple polo shirt and an apron tied to his waist, standing behind the steel counter with an open crate of supplies from his recent purchase at the store. The communal coffee maker is there too, but his spread is more meticulous this time around. Two bags of coffee beans labeled 'hazelnut creme' and 'dark arabica' to one side, with batches already ground up. The portable grinder is small, but it matches the moka pot for espresso. Hot water already reaching the boil, with bottles lined up like they're ready for service: a couple of syrup selections, bottles of milk, cream, sugar, then finally the hero of the month: honey in various containers.
He's reading a book from the counter, head tilted down, but don't let that stop you from approaching. He's got something brewing, in more ways than one. In fact, as soon as he notices you, he'll offer a small smile, abandoning the task of reading altogether as he goes for his tools. Cups and mugs within reach, but he'll pretend to write something on them with his pen. An inside joke that may or may not connect, but he commits to the immersion anyway:
"Hey, welcome back. Don't worry, I remember you. And what you ordered last time. Heh."
Kick back. Relax. Have a cuppa of honey and coffee and let Roland the barista hear your tales of woe. Or joy? Whatever you're willing to share. He'll listen. He's got the experience, trust him.
(The tip jar to the very end of his work station is absolutely fake.)
02 - a moving target.
[ At the Gym, some time before mission information goes up and Roland heads straight into his usual business mode, you will find him with his pistol. But for those who have seen him in action already, there's something decidedly different this time around. The gun in his hand, although already more futuristic and magical in its design, is looking more spruced up. An extra barrel that makes it bulky, and the muzzle shaped odd. There's something there that was not there before.
And the only time you will see this for yourself is when he takes a deep breath...and aims at the makeshift targets from a distance. They're staggered, purposely left in random formations. When Roland shoots, his left hand holding the trigger, the usual sound of a gun firing filling the car...Until it stops and suddenly a grappling hook comes out instead. A weird combination, but it fires just as fast as the bullets and there's a struggle to reach the farthest dummy.
Unfortunately, it doesn't quite catch. And so Roland retracts it back, the fiber cable making a sharp whizzing sound as it returns to the gun. ]
[ He sighs. ] This is going to take some getting used to before I even think about making new moves.
[ Approach him here, for training, and he'll be a happy partner. ] Say, got something small I can use to try and grab with my new toy, here? I promise I won't break it. [ Roland nods, jokingly but also, how could he lie to you with such an earnest face? ]
03 - Wildcard!
[ For anything else you may want to do! Am on Discord < Titallenial#7701 > for plotting ideas. Am always open, and will follow your lead! ]
no subject
It feels so special, to be cared for like this when your heart feels so raw. It's not like Inigo has never experienced it before. He's had help here on the train before - though never with this parental edge to it - and he's had his mother back home, a long, long time ago. He knows this feeling, but he also knows that it's not easy to come across. How many people had this on the train, as torn away from world and friends and family as they were?
And yet here's Roland. Calling him by his nickname, holding him, sharing his possessions, saying of course I'd come like it's natural. Like he'd help out Inigo, no matter what. That unconditional parental kind of affection.
It's a bit much, but in a good way, at least right now. Inigo can feel his eyes watering, stinging, and he gently tugs the blanket around him a little more, like he's trying to bask in the warmth of the affectionate gesture.
"Yes, please," he says, actually looking at Roland as he speaks, even though it'll show his eyes glistering with unshed tears. The gaze lingers for a moment until he starts moving in the direction of the bed. "Forgive me, I.. I really must look like a mess right now. I'll be fine later."
Maybe someday.
He sits down on the edge of the bunk, though at the side, leaving Roland plenty of space to go lie down first if he wants to be Inigo's comfortable pillow. "I mean, being near you already makes me feel a bit better.."
no subject
Two strides is all it takes for Roland to make his way to Inigo's bedside, and he plops down carefully, the mattress sinking with the added weight. He doesn't answer for now, swiveling instead so he's facing Inigo. His hands take the edges of the blanket and he starts wrapping him tighter and tighter into its folds until he looks like a roll, but no matter how funny it might look to someone else, it's because Roland wants him to feel it too. The warmth, the very same affection that Inigo grants him, gifts him. Thinks he's worthy of fulfilling. He flashes a smile at him, "There. Better." - before his boots are removed promptly and he scoots inside the space, his back slightly leaned on the headboard and his hands on his stomach, waiting for Inigo to take whatever position he might need to. A cuddle? A full on hug? Roland is there, human pillow at the ready indeed.
He does speak up, though. When he knows his words won't betray him, overwhelmed. "It's okay to not be okay. You can look like a mess and I wouldn't think any less of you. I just hope I can make 'a bit better' into 'a whole lot' better by the time you fall asleep. Heh."
It compels him to unfold his politely placed hands into a full on beckon with arms slightly opened. He doesn't have to play it coy.
no subject
So he doesn't hesitate. As much of a blanket burrito as he is right now, he moves to lie down and let himself be embraced by those arms, mostly lying next to Roland, pressed to the man's side as closely as possible, but with Inigo's head resting on Roland's chest. His hands hold onto the blanket from the inside, wanting to make sure it doesn't slide off him as he moves and tries to get as comfortable as he can be right now.
The words are something he doesn't immediately reply to. Maybe since he can't immediately how to react to the sheer amounts of generosity that always drip off Roland. The total lack of judgement, the warmth. Maybe it's exactly what he needs right now, but it makes it hard to talk, makes it hard to think of what to say.
So a few moments pass in silence - though Inigo's eyes are open, obviously not even attempting to sleep - before he finally speaks up.
He figures there's one thing he should at least say. And that's what's bothering him. He can't ask Roland for comfort without being fully open about this in return, right?
".. Bucky's gone."
no subject
Upon hearing who left, however, Roland squeezes Inigo tighter. His head bobs from right to left, shaking in disbelief. They had just been talking about Bucky before, the first time he revealed to Roland how he viewed him as a brother. How they would share embraces to ward off nightmares, sleeping soundly, peacefully as long as there was the physical reassurance. No wonder he's so distraught. No wonder at all. 'And right after he just said goodbye to Gerome...'
"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." Roland whispers against Inigo's hair, the squeeze of his shut eyes growing fiercer. Unable to do anything but repeat the words until it falls into silence, into heavy breath and a deep sigh. Roland knows this is a kidnapping at the end of the day. He's never sympathized with the train. Never given it any credit for what they've done to anyone onboard. But loss is loss. It will never hurt any less.
"I didn't even get to meet him. He must have been a good man to have earned your trust." And a kind one too, to offer his affection if it was the only thing that could grant them rest.
no subject
It's tough, what feels like this constant revolving carousel of people coming and going. How little he got to introduce all the people who are so important to him to each other. How he never got a chance to introduce Bucky to Roland. How Roland and Tidus and Taiki, all so important to him, hardly got a chance to get to know Gerome before he was already gone. His childhood friend.
And, more importantly than anything else--
He shifts a little against Roland, having to come to terms with this specific memory all over again.
".. This train makes it so hard. You never even got to meet Yuki."
1/2
The flashback that paints itself in his mind's eye is vivid and telling, as if it just happened yesterday. Tidus and him seated by the kitchen, with the admittance that once upon a time, before either of them were pulled unto the train, Inigo had another life to come with a man named Yuki. A promise that they would come live together in his world, since Inigo had no past to return to, no future to look forward to (then-). An engagement between two people who fell in together, drifting towards one another's paths...but ultimately ending in sorrow. The details are lost to Roland, but it doesn't really matter when he had a clear decision to make as Inigo lays in his arms seeking comfort for heartbreak after heartbreak he is powerless to cease.
Tidus words ringing clear, too: 'Just be careful if it ever comes up.' Which meant it still mattered a lot to Inigo, and might be the reason why he feels strongly about how he views himself on this train. It isn't a point that connects right away; but now, it's the only line he sees linking one to the other.
Would Inigo appreciate him admitting the truth? Or...should he feign ignorance? Allow him the choice to tell that story for himself?
Roland doesn't wait for too long, lest Inigo find something wrong with his pregnant pause, or the weight in his arms, his breath as he continues to swaddle him in an embrace meant to soothe.
no subject
Yes, there was no other choice to make at that moment. He nods solemnly, swallows thickly. The hands behind Inigo stop moving for a minute, so he can focus on what counts. On making sure he says the right thing.
"...I wonder if he would have liked me." He looks down a little, tilting his chin further so he can try and meet Inigo's eye even from this position. The answer, indicative enough that he needed no introduction. Knows the basics to jump straight in, no hesitation.
"I'm sorry. Tidus told me by accident. He assumed you had already spoken to me about it. He didn't mean anything by it, I promise." He says, heartfelt and true. He is deeply apologetic and it shows in the dip in his brow, the frown on his mouth. But regardless, he was going to hear the story from Inigo, only Inigo. It was his to tell.
no subject
But that doesn't mean he should hold it back entirely from Roland. If he really views Roland as his father, the other has all right to know, especially if Inigo is being open about everything else so far.
"It's okay." His voice is still soft, but he does seem truly not offended by Roland already knowing. Inigo can imagine Tidus would think Inigo already told Roland about something that important, after all. He'd never blame either of them for something like that.
Though Inigo knows Tidus can't have told the older man much. Yuki disappeared so relatively soon after Tidus showed up, after all. He must just have mentioned their bond.
He's still silent for a moment or two. Thinking about it. Shifting against Roland a bit while the thoughts turn over and over inside of his head. Trying to figure out what he should say.
"I.. I think he would have liked you. He was always so serious, and slightly wary around people, but.. he'd never ignore someone's kindness."
And Roland has that in spades.
no subject
Inigo has so much love to give, always, at all times. A part of Roland wishes he could better safeguard Inigo's heart, make sure he doesn't give too much that nothing is left for him. But these are not thoughts Roland can voice out; neither is it a thought that should be spoken out loud. They were his musings, for his own promise, to fuel his vow of making sure he is able to look out for these boys as best he can.
For now, he will show his concern in the manner that Inigo asks of him. He will linger in his touches to make sure there is extra comfort in the hug, tightening his arms and allowing the closeness to settle in the spaces that they fill. Closing his eyes, comfortable this way because at least physically, it feels like he can protect Inigo from the dangers that hurt him at every turn.
He speaks low, a dulcet tone that rightfully expresses the tenderness he feels at this moment.
"Do you want to talk about him?" His eyes are staring at a familiar view, the bottom of his roommate's top-bunk, and he wishes they could be in a better place right about now. Somewhere that can heal Inigo better; the clearing by Jema'grethy coming to mind right about now. Where there would be a scent of flowers to calm him better, or the rays of the sun to cast away doubt and fear. "Do you want to talk about any of them...? Bucky, Yuuki, Gerome, anyone. I'm here. I'll always listen. I'll remember with you." He breathes in deeply again.
"You know, Eight from Purple...She made a memorial wall on the train. We...We could put their names there, if you want. I'll come with you there, too." Whatever Roland can do for Inigo, he would oblige without question.
no subject
But it's harder like this. Because he really does find solace in Roland's embrace. In just lying here with him, bodies pressed together, sharing warmth. Roland's arms around his back, keeping him close. The blanket still wrapped around him. It makes everything feel so warm, and it melts his heart to a point where he can't hold back anything anymore out of some dumb fear or worry. Like the words and feelings already ooze out of him before Inigo can stop it in the slightest.
"I.."
His voice sounds thick, in that way it always does before Inigo cries. But he can't help it. If there's anything that makes him emotional, it's the thought of Yuki, no matter how far down he's shoved those feelings, determined to not bother anyone with them anymore after that initial breakdown he had over the other's disappearance.
He doesn't want to go anywhere right now, that's for sure. But maybe.. maybe he should talk about Yuki, even if it's hard. Maybe he should let Roland know at least some things, considering Inigo sometimes feels like he's the only person left on this train to remember the guy he loved.
"I just wish.. I knew if they were safely back at home now." It may be the one thing that bothers him the most about this train. The fact that it won't even let them know that much, that it'll just let people walk off the train like zombies without them clearly returning home. "I asked the train before, you know-- multiple times, but it just.. It never answered."
He sniffs, and he latches onto Roland a bit tighter, as if to steady himself.
"Y-Yuki, he had.. He had a girl who liked him back home, waiting for him. Waiting for him to tell how he felt about her. I.. I wonder if they're together instead now."
Inigo's breath hitches, unable to stop the tears as they start to flow.
"I wonder if they're happy.."
Without him.
no subject
Inigo won't know it, but Roland thinks the exact same thing at that moment, the implied message that trails off as clear as the words he speaks. Happy without him, happy at home with a girl waiting for him. No matter how hard he looks at it, this Yuki who left will have an end to his story which Inigo can never be a part of ever again. Unless magic intervenes, or fate is kind. But fate rarely is, and Roland knows magic has its limits too. The tears Inigo sheds now, wrapped up in an embrace that can only do so much...they're heavier than they have ever been. A heartbreak no one can heal. Maybe time. Maybe.
Roland knows it hurts. He knows Inigo has kept this to himself for a long time, and this act of reaching out to him is nothing short of courage in its purest form. He leans his head back further, as if beckoning the sky, the heavens, whoever is listening, greater power that can help repair Inigo's spirit when Roland's comforts are no longer enough. Would Naga hear me, too? Would Naga be able to help her faithful servant?
The eternity that passes through them comes in thick silence, awash with only the soft cries muffled against Roland's shirt. Roland's hands are constants in their pats and strokes, for his mind is at a loss for words. To begin with, did such a confession need answers anyway? There's nothing to be done but to remember in grief, and to hope the wound that Yuki left him will finally cease festering.
"If they are happy, back home I mean..." Roland begins to stir, says it like a gentle whisper. "I guess that's the best thing you could hope for, for those who leave this place. But..." He heaves an exhale, loud and audible. His chin tilts down so he can speak tenderly against the top of Inigo's head, eyes once more drawing to a soft close.
"Yuki would be happy in a different kind of way. He'd never be happy the way you could have made him, had the train allowed him to stay." Because Roland knows this is the only thing he can say, now; that it isn't Inigo's fault, that his love is so strong it could anchor anyone to his side as naturally as the sky needed the sun. There are no other reassurances that he could honestly give anyone, having so little choice or control already. But as someone who has felt Inigo's light, lucky enough to bask in it every day, Roland's words are not disingenuous or uttered for the sake of filling spaces. He means it, with all his heart. Even if Inigo dismisses it.
no subject
Then again, he probably isn't the kind of guy who could make anyone happy.
But he can't say that now. Not when Roland is trying to hard to comfort him. It'd feel like making light of his efforts, so Inigo holds it in, shoves it down.
He can't help but address it, but he knows he has to do it differently. Not in such a self-depreciating way.
"It's fine." He whispers between tears. Maybe persuing this angle is the better option here. "I.. I don't mind that he's happy without me, you know?"
That much is true. It does hurt a bit, but..
"I just want him to be happy no matter what. That's.. That's all I ever wanted." Especially since Yuki had been through so much. How that showed in the way the other acted in any situation. "S-So if he's back home, and happy.. then that's fine. That's enough for me." He sniffs, sucking in a shakey breath. "It's.. It's not like I'm alone right now, anyway."
Because Roland is still here with him. Because he still has friends here on the train. Even if Yuki took a piece of his heart with him that Inigo can't ever replace, he knows he isn't allowed to complain, not when it would diminish all the care he still receives to this day from others. (Especially Roland, as proven once more right this very moment, with the other practically wrapped around him protectively.)
no subject
That was all this was; a play of utility. The folly of isolation, married to the irony that without connections, real human connections, none of them would survive for long. And the fact that Yuki and Inigo were engaged; that one of them brought it up, promised them a home, then ended up turning away and leaving even without their control...It's a lot. Inigo's heart has taken too much of a beating for this to not feel like palpable pain. Roland doesn't know how much tighter he can embrace him, but he doesn't want to let go. Not even when he can't feel his upper arms anymore, or when he moves them so that his back is facing the opening of the bed, as if shielding Inigo from the outside world.
"We'll be with you." Roland supplements, a ghost of a kiss against Inigo's hairline. "We'll do our best to make you happy too." If Yuki deserves it, Inigo does too. Roland didn't need to know about the other man to think it, anyway. There's something hidden in Inigo's story too; an unspoken about why he feels this way, why the pain of Yuki's loss is hitting him in a much harsher way. Did they not part ways amicably? Did Yuki and Inigo fight? He doesn't know how to ask. He doesn't want to cause Inigo more tears, more sorrow.
Roland just wants to make it go away.
"Do you want to put Yuki on the memorial, pup?" He asks a second time, thinking it might help to immortalize him. For Inigo's sake. Roland will remember his story, but it might mean more of Inigo sees it manifest in real life. On the train, where they met, and fell in love.
no subject
How would he be able to bear it if it was Roland? How would it not feel like the ground was crumbling away underneath his feet?
Not wanting to think about it, Inigo tries to move even closer to Roland, like he's burying himself against the other. Like that may be able to keep him here.
But the question - that's where he shakes his head.
"No, I.. I don't think I want to." It's said so quietly. Less interrupted by his tears, but somehow more fragile than before. "I know.. it isn't right. But a part of me just wants to think about him as little as possible.. Because it hurts so much when I do think of him."
Like a thorn in his heart that he can't pull out, no matter how hard he tries. That was exactly why he had been so worried back during the voidstorm. Seeing Yuki in that spirit-like form would have reactivated the pain all over again.
"I'm a bad person, aren't I, father.."
no subject
The embrace he reciprocates with mimics the strength of Inigo's affections. He hates this feeling of wanting to stay with him, the people he's grown close to, yet knowing there was nothing stopping him from playing along with the will of the void. More than that, it's the feeling of not having control over such matters to begin with, when all he wishes is to be with the people who have changed him for the better.
Though such a thought leads him a dark and dangerous place, too. That's not his role, is it? That's not what he's supposed to be doing. He was ready to stay in Evermore for good, but when he felt the magic that brought him to another world slowly fade from his soul, that too was taken in calm acceptance. The resolution to return to a world he had seemingly abandoned; is still working hard to try and save. He could join Inigo there, they could be happy. For once.
The compulsion to ask Inigo is too great to ignore. He would rather suffer this than pretend like he doesn't care why Inigo is ailing so badly. This wasn't usual, he has enough experience to know that by heart. The pain of Yuki leaving seemed tied to something more than just being forced to go by a train that didn't care. So he tries, he reaches out, his lips meet the skin of Inigo's forehead as he closes his eyes and wonders out loud. Affectionate even if he will be rebuked.
"What did he do, Inigo?" Roland says, softly. "What did he do to hurt you like this?" Tell me. I want to help you.
no subject
Maybe under different circumstances. Even then it may have been hard to shut Roland out, but not impossible. But with the man curled around him, being so gentle, affectionate, cautious.. Inigo would feel like a total jerk for not telling Roland something.
Even when recalling said something hurts. So much. That's exactly why he said he'd rather forget, after all. Because every single happy moment he has with Yuki is now tainted by the ugliness of how it ended. Dyed in the self doubt that consumes Inigo daily.
But for Roland - for his father - he speaks.
"He.. He didn't hurt me. It was my fault." As he speaks those words, Inigo seems to bury himself even further against Roland, like he's trying to seem as small as possible. Like he's trying to disappear. "We.. We danced at a party. And we were just talking, about.. um, well, it doesn't matter. A lot of things.. The usual."
Their plans for the future. Details Inigo doesn't want to think about.
"He suddenly asked me if I could spend a month in his world first before going back to my own to end things with Grima. And I.. Well, it felt selfish of me to decide that, considering how hard everyone must be fighting back home. But I agreed-- I would have given him anything he wanted." He stops for a second, swallowing. His throat feels so dry while talking about this. "But suddenly.. When I asked him why, he said it was nothing. That it was okay, and he just-- he said he had to go. He left the party, even when I tried to reassure him."
Inigo's breath steadily starts getting shakier. It's been so long. It's been months, why does he still remember it so clearly? Why is it as if he's right back in that moment as he speaks of it?
"After that, he avoided me. Until he disappeared a few days later. The next time the train stopped at a platform, he left."
So Inigo never knew. What was up, what the problem was. All he knows, or thinks he knows, is just--
"I.. I must have said something wrong. Or he must have realised he really didn't want to spend the rest of his life together with someone like me after all.." Because Yuki was too good for him from the start.
no subject
He says these words with a careful edge, low and controlled; sharp enough to cut but not firm enough to sound angry or upset. Even if that's precisely what he feels swell over him like a tide the more Roland listens to Inigo recall the tale of his heartbreak. Yuki, who he was willing to understand a little bit more about, suddenly becomes an enigma. Roland's brows furrow, and his hold on Inigo doesn't grow any relaxed. How dare he?
But Roland understands the roles set, and what can no longer be changed. Inigo is still here, living with the pain of the loss, and Yuki? Yuki is somewhere in a better place, with a girl that might bid for his heart too. Perhaps Inigo is right, and they are happy together. Roland wouldn't want anything else for him too, even if they've never met. He'd wish that for anyone who's left. But his role now has nothing to do with Yuki. It's not Roland's job to care about the man. However, it is his job - his duty - to care about Inigo.
Those words are all he will allow himself to voice out. He respects what Inigo feels for Yuki, however their relationship ended, and will grant that memory his silence.
There's very little in the way of Roland being honest about the rest of it, though. He breathes heavy, giving himself space to think. But the hesitation doesn't last. His instinct to protect and defend Inigo has always been a driving force in how he treats him, even if he must do it to protect Inigo from himself. The shadows that plague him, the ones that tell him what isn't true.
"You need to hear this, so I'll say it, okay?" Roland tilts his head down again, words cradled gentle and carried with affection. Arms around Inigo to warm and love; a sanctuary to hide in. "You didn't do anything wrong." The shake in his head is slight. He keeps going.
"I know you'll probably deny it, but I'll say it anyway. Because I'd never lie to you, and...Inigo..." He sighs. Tries to look at him again with a tilt of his chin, angled to the side despite how tightly they hold each other, how they don't seem like they'll be letting go any time soon. "Your kindness is your strength. Thinking about others comes so naturally to you. It's one of the best things about you. No one, especially not from someone who says they love you, should ever take that as an offense. They should never use your kindness to argue."
And to not even communicate to Inigo afterwards? After promising him the world and a half?
"...I would have done the same, had I been in your position." He adds, with a tone of finality, more to say that Roland would stand by that choice to think of the people of Ylisse too. To see them safe before he could move on. "What you said, I think it was right. It's admirable."
It's not your fault. You did right. You did good. It's not your fault.
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Inigo knows he has to at least say that much. Because Roland is doing so much here to try and reassure him. Inigo knows that. Just the things he's saying, the way his arms keep holding Inigo. It is the most comfortable way to talk about this, though even that obviously still holds a lot of pain. Somehow it feels harder to talk about what happened with Yuki than about anything back home - maybe since this, more than anything, feels like it is squarely his own fault. He is the one who screwed this up. Nothing or no one else.
(Just like Roland anticipated, huh. Of course Inigo thinks he did something wrong. Of course he'd deny the idea that he didn't, even though he feels it'd be too inconsiderate towards Roland's efforts to say it out loud.)
"I.. I'll try to think of that. Even though I'm not sure how much of it I can believe.."
Not that he thinks Roland is lying. Roland wouldn't lie to him. But even knowing that Roland is truly saying what he thinks, it's still hard for him to fully internalize it.
But he's trying. Inigo tucks his head back on Roland's chest, underneath the other's chin.
"It just feels like I should have done better. A lot of people have abandoned Yuki during his life." Even though there were still details of the other's life that Inigo didn't know, that he will now never get to find out about, he does know this much to be fact. "Maybe.. Maybe he thought I was abandoning him too. Even though I never would have."
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The reassurances are never empty, or said just for the sake of it. So he resumes more of the warmth, the tightness around his arms, the nuzzles against the top of his hair. Even though Inigo talks like this still, Roland is undeterred. Used to it, knowing how kind he is and that's why he's so willing to take the blame of it all, so long as the ones he loves are absolved of the sin.
They don't deserve you, pup.
"We always do what we can, with what we're given. We make the most of what we have. We love with all that we can muster, and then some." He replies, like giving advice, or sharing wisdom. "Yuki would be delusional if he thinks you abandoned him, though. That much I can say. That's not it at all, and he should know that. He should know you. That you would never do such a thing to anyone you cared about, without a doubt."
For that's what love was, right? Despite this love being born from hardship, shared trials and tribulations on a train that was not meant to have connections as deep as this.
"You did so well, pup. You always give so much of yourself." A chip off the old block? Who knows who Roland is thinking of now - Inigo's birth father, Chrom the King, or him, the one who is choosing to hold him, fall asleep with him to give him the comfort he deserves...
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At least that's true, isn't it, Inigo thinks as he listens to those words, his eyes closed. Isn't that almost like his personal creed, the thing he lives and dies by? Even if he's unsure of his own qualities, of what he can do, Inigo knows he can at least do this much. He can love with all he's got. The one thing he can share with other people, even though it hurts him in the end when that love suddenly falls away.
At least he's slowly starting to get a bit more comfortable against Roland. Mostly since he always gets more comfortable like this, cuddling with someone to go sleep, but the fact that it's Roland helps a lot. There's just a sense of warmth around the other, a sense of safety. Maybe that's the love Roland is giving him in turn.
"I hope I did well.. I want to do this." His words are a bit softer and mumbled, like he is on the edge of sleep with his face buried against Roland, but it definitely isn't sleeptalk yet. He's still lucid enough to think about what he's saying, hence why it's something he's comfortable with admitting. "I don't want anyone to suffer by themselves. I want to be there for them.. Bucky, Yuki, even Gerome.. They've all had to deal with a lot."
(Granted, Gerome had to deal with practically the same things as Inigo, and yet Inigo cuts the guy much more slack over it than he'd ever give himself. Typical.)
"You too, father.. you've dealt with so much. So I want to be there for you.. If that means giving so much of myself, that's fine."
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But he'll take advantage of Inigo speaking clearly for a while yet, until he knows he's sleep-talking, ready to slumber, forgetting the words spoken under the guise of consciousness. Roland never asks, but he truly hopes Inigo sleeps without nightmares or dreams - just quiet, and peaceful, the way he deserves.
And boy, Inigo sure knows how to say things that make Roland smile. How he could doubt himself so much when he's got the most important trait of any great leader? Any great person? His penchant for others comes so naturally to Inigo that Roland can't see any of the faults he attributes to his person at all.
Children are indeed, much better than their parents. Always will be.
"Pup...all I ask of you is to be yourself. To let me continue to stay by your side, to help you. No matter what..." He breathes in deep. "...I just want you to be safe. Happy." That's enough. More than enough. It's all he'll ever fight for, in this world or in the past universes of his life.
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"Why would I need to let you continue to do that..?"
He's mumbling, but still awake enough to be shifting against Roland, like he's trying to find the most comfortable spot for his head to rest on Roland's chest while he falls asleep.
"I mean.. you're the one doing me a favour by being my father. You don't need permission for anything.."
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The blanket wrapped around him is serving its purpose. Roland is thankful to whoever is listening that he is able to provide a sanctuary for people like Inigo, who need it. Deserve it. Even if it only lasts a couple of hours at most. It's a sentiment that grows stronger when he hears what Inigo has left to say, slowly yet surely drifting into the land of slumber.
"That's not quite true. I..." I need you by my side just as much. I wish I could be bathed in this light forever. So I can remember what I have to protect. He closes his eyes, as if joining Inigo in sleep. Tilts his head down to meet that patch of skin and hair by Inigo's forehead, with only the ghost of a kiss as proof of its imprint.
"...I'll be here, Inigo. Not as a favor. As a choice."
He needs to tell him that, before the worst may come to pass. Inigo needs to know even in his state of half-sleep that Roland stays because he wants to. So even if the unspoken, the inevitable, comes to pass, he will never have any room to doubt if any of this was real. It is.
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It's breathed out like a sleepy sigh. The words aren't adequate, wouldn't be even if Inigo was still more awake. How could he ever properly thank Roland for that? It feels like nothing will ever be enough to be able to convey his gratitude in return.
It does seem, though, that Inigo is properly falling asleep now. And apparently the good kind of sleep, since it's like all tension is being released from his body as he starts to finally sink off into sleep. Everything just relaxes against Roland as Inigo lies there.
The only thing that remains of Inigo's faint consciousness before it slips away is a very, very softly and mumbled: ".. love you, father.."
1/2 | roland crane ❤ - his name in the roster, also this is indulgent but this is for you!!
Roland's arms hug Inigo tighter. He doesn't deserve such a chance. He doesn't deserve this purity. And yet, he knows no matter what, he'll never let go of it. He'll never leave them.
2/2 <3