voidtreckerexpress

Entry tags:

wound up

Who: Kaiba and open!
Where: Spa car
When: Imagination 4, very late at night
What: Someone gives into temptation to indulge and has potentially interesting discussions!
Warnings: Implied/possible mention of child abuse, other war/injury discussion possible. Will update if needed.

It's been...a day. Kaiba's spent time this evening working on how to talk to the others. It's clear as a train they need to regroup on a number of topics and make some changes, but how? And does he even want to try to facilitate? Not exactly his strong suit. He can already imagine the headache. He's sketched out a few potential outlines of topics to open the floor on. Maybe the memorial really is the simplest place to start?

But he's putting that out of his mind. After a late night in the standard car hunched over his notebook, he realizes that the train's fallen quiet in the night. Time to head back to bed. He moves through the largely-empty cars, but as the strange new scent of the spa car filters through in the corridor, he hesitates. The quiet is the perfect time, isn't it?

One ruffle through the closet and a quick shower trip later, he returns, carefully folding his legs beneath him as he sinks in. His torso's long enough that he's only covered up to the ribs and the old, angry red marks between his shoulder blades are exposed, but surely it's quiet enough that that's not an issue.

Finally...at last, he hears nothing but the sound of water lapping the edges of the pool. He can finally relax. He closes his eyes, rolling his shoulders back with a soft sigh.

"...hm. Not bad...maybe."

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

It seems that Seto is not interested in talking about it. For a moment, Siebren wants to reach out to Seto, inquire, let him know of their common ground-

But Seto has eyes, and a brain, and has likely already figured that out himself. Siebren has already interrupted his relaxation time; he runs the risk of driving Seto away if he continues in that vein, and that is the last thing he wants to do.

So he rests his back against the pool wall and takes another deep, slow breath, in and out. He knows their conversational trajectory; perhaps he can relax now.

"Slowly," he replies, "and not well." Some nights, he has too much to think about but sleeps anyway; tonight had been the opposite, with cohesive thought escaping him but his brain still unwilling or unable to shut off. "I had hoped a soak would help me relax well enough to sleep, and...I had also thought no one else would be here this late." A very small, wry smile creeps across his face. "Had I known, I likely would not have come, but...here we are.

"How has your night been?"

Kaiba finds himself relaxing a little. Maybe too soon, but...though he doesn't know the man well yet, he's...fine. The low-key energy is very much appreciated.

"I was training with my knives," he starts. "If the usual schedule holds, another mission is coming in a few days. Every other mission is dangerous for our team, it seems, and the last one wasn't, so...it's a possibility that I'll need them."

Deep breath.

"But I'm happy to be quiet if that's what you need. I'm...fine either way, I just don't like crowds. Or prying eyes."

Weapons training. It makes sense, to want to become more proficient in combat when one's team requires protection. Not everyone comes prepared - not everyone has Siebren's...particular situation. He listens, and ponders his reply when Seto pauses and then continues-

...oh. He had been correct, at least to some extent.

Siebren sighs and sinks a bit further down into the water, tension he was not aware he had been holding onto melting from his shoulders. "I am alright with conversation," he says after a few moments. "I simply...do not like questions, from those that do not understand."

Present company, it seems, excluded.

Edited 2020-11-09 08:21 (UTC)

"I'm not one to dwell on the past," Kaiba says softly. Well...that's true most of the time. As long as a certain pharaoh isn't involved. He settles and seems to relax, but there's a swirl of conflict and doubt in his head.

The thing Kaiba fears most is pity. His marks are uncomfortably telling. Siebren, it seems, also has a story he's not eager to tell.

"You said you were capable...and that's clear beyond a doubt," he says. "And anyone who would be repulsed can kick rocks. But...it's easy for people to look at an incomplete story and make assumptions, isn't it."

He lets the statement settle. There is an idiom about letting sleeping dogs lie; best to allow that.

But Seto continues with an unexpected affirmation. It's uncomfortable, hearing support for Sigma when Siebren tries so hard to keep them separate, if only in his mind, but...Seto does not know, and Siebren had offered his services. Seto is working with the context he has, and Siebren can take Seto's words as the compliment they are intended to be. "I am unworried about their revulsion - merely their curiosity. But thank you." He sighs. "And...yes, it is, and often the only way to correct those assumptions is with the truth." A truth he is unwilling to divulge fully, regardless of mutual understanding. "Better to control the narrative from the beginning."

There's a third member joining this little party. For a moment, Xander has paused outside. He's used to having nightmares; they don't happen too often on the train, thankfully, but tonight...

He didn't want to bother his roommates (though he suspected Glorfindel wasn't really asleep when he left...), so Xander had thought that bringing himself down to investigate the spa car was a good idea. How had he missed the memo that there were going to be people here at this time of night? Normally, the nephilim didn't mind that sort of thing, but he was a bit off kilter after the bad dream.

He'd appropriated his barbecue swim trunks after the island, so that was what Xander sauntered through the door wearing, one of his towels wrapped around his neck and a dumb smile on his face. Which he probably should have dialed back a little, considering these two relative strangers before him. (Sure, he knew Kaiba's face a little, but the older man was unfamiliar. Something about him reminded him a bit of Drake, though...)

His brows went up at the other fellows' collections of scars--not that he didn't have some of his own. The worst offender was probably the angry red keloid that wrapped around his right arm near the elbow, though there were delicate traceries over his chest and shoulder, and a pair of patches, paler against his skin over his right pectoral and just under his left one.

Xander paused for a moment, and gave a mental shrug. "Hey, guys!" he said, cheerful and trying to be casual. "Nice scars!"

It took him about two seconds to realize he'd probably shoved his foot in his mouth.

Kaiba knew all about controlling the narrative. He desperately wanted to this time---it was just a matter of finding a believable excuse. And that was the part he was still working on.

He was content to lapse into a comfortable-ish silence, but then another voice pierced it. What the---

Kaiba turned to look over his shoulder. His jaw went slack, he lifted a finger from the water to object...and overall it was bewildering. But he stopped to look before speaking, and realized the new visitor had had his brushes with mortality too.

"Not how I would---phrase it---," he finally managed to whisper, sounding faintly pained. "But. Good evening?"

Edited 2020-11-09 23:21 (UTC)

Siebren had just closed his eyes, ready to settle into the silence, when it was broken by someone else-

He startles, eyes snapping open, and immediately sinks further into the water, as though covering his shoulders with completely clear and transparent water will somehow hide his scars from view.

Brilliant reaction. Not at all embarrassing.

He takes a few moments to try to calm himself, and in those few moments notices the scars on the newcomer. Well. They are an interesting group, aren't they. That also means that, in all likelihood, that greeting was meant in earnest. In light of that...

"Thank you?" is about all he can manage at the moment.

Oooh he messed it up. Big time. Xander does have the grace to blush, wings twitching and one hand lifting to rub at the back of his shaggy hair.

But then he smiles sheepishly, and shrugs. "Evening. And you're welcome! Uh. I just feel like scars mean you faced some sort of adversity, some time, and here you are on the other side, giving the big, fat middle finger to it, no matter where it ended up."

This is what Alice Liddell would call 'Xander-ness.' Others might call it bullshit, but Xander really does believe it, or he wouldn't say it.

"So, uh, room for one more?" He's more gangly than the other two, but it's really polite to ask, anyway.

Kaiba silently shifts to make room for Xander, a strange flicker of emotion on his face. It's a well-meaning enough statement, he supposes, but he's still facing an inner conflict. His shoulders shake as he forcefully pushes down the remnants of his anguish.

"That's...a positive spin," he finally answers. "Not one I can share. But come in, I...see we're all in this boat."

The newcomer's assessment of scars is encouraging, if wholly inaccurate in Siebren's case. He has not come out the other side when it comes to Sigma, and he has doubts as to whether that will ever happen - but those are his own problems, not to be sorted out in public.

(The addition of a third person, and a complete stranger at that, officially makes this "public" as far as Siebren is concerned. This is what he gets for choosing to stay.)

He moves to make space, glancing to Seto as he does, and...oh. He recognizes that expression - he has worn it himself more than once. And if he is reading this correctly - if Seto is shaking-

He will need space to sort this out, and he will not get that if attention is on him. Siebren can step in, at least for now. He has enough experience putting things aside to deal with later that this will not cause him trouble. Hopefully.

"You may only join us if you introduce yourself," he says, tone arch and accompanied by a smile he wears but does not feel. "Consider it a password to this...exclusive club." He gestures to encompass the very public car. Not his usual method of greeting, to be sure, but if there is anything he has learned from his coworkers, it is that smartasses draw attention. He can sacrifice decorum to achieve this goal.

Xander just makes finger guns at Seto, and grins. "Hey, it takes time. I get it. There are some things even I'm not over." While he can admit it, he's still going to blow sunshine until he can get over it.

Even if it kills him. Which it might...not that he can't feel Seto's anguish. Not to mention the way he's talking sounds just like someone else he knows--and then the older man gets protective. Just like Drake might.

Xander gets it. He might have a cheerful smile on his face, and act dumb sometimes (okay it's a lot of the time), but there's more going on beneath the surface than the nephilim lets on.

Not to mention he's been a smartass, in his time. He bows to Siebren, then, but his attitude is more playful than smartass-in-kind.

"But of course! Alexander Camael Woods, at your service. But call me Xander, everyone else does." Shrugging, even as he moves over to the side and works on very carefully getting into the pool--attempting to avoid splashing too much, and avoiding getting his wings wet, too. He does not want to drag wet wings around anywhere, if he can help it.

Ah, Kaiba's archnemesis: cheery optimism. The feeling of uncertain vulnerability fades as Siebren generously buys him some time, thankfully, and he can deal with minor discomfort no problem. He watches Xander settle in, and...well, Kaiba might as well resume introductions to keep this going at a nice, safe level. He's completely fine, he can just Ignore it.

So he takes a steadying breath to balance. In and out, it's not a big deal, it's just...an unexpected social hour. He's handled this before, though admittedly never in a context that's made him feel vulnerable like this. But if they all share the same issue...

Hm. He'll have to think on it some more. But for now, introduction.

"Seto Kaiba," he offers, inclining his head in greeting. "Orange team, and a mechanic. This isn't usually my scene, but...work demands it," he sighs, rubbing a shoulder with his hand.

Edited 2020-11-10 03:39 (UTC)

Well. That is...forthright. Siebren cannot tell if the newcomer has no shame, or no boundaries, or simply enough optimism to make up for the damage that left those scars. As he continues, and bows, and introduces himself, Siebren begins to wonder if it isn't the latter.

(Would that they could all be so fortunate.)

But Seto seems to have steadied himself, at the least. Mission accomplished, Siebren settles in. The conversational trajectory has shifted - the addition of an unforeseen variable will do that - but not, he thinks, for the worse. "Siebren de Kuiper," he says by way of introduction. "Also orange team, and an astrophysicist." A pause. "I believe we had all expected to be here alone tonight, but...nonetheless, welcome."

Oh, he hadn't mentioned that aspect of himself. Oops. "I'm purple team, I guess just rank and file--though I know Nita, I work with her on trying to talk to the train."

Which might make it more of a big deal, though since they've made almost no progress, Xander doesn't consider it much of anything. Xander thinks for a moment that there are things he could probably do, as important as a mechanic--maybe not so much as an astrophysicist, but...

He grimaces for just a moment, and then shrugs. As much as he wants to fake it 'til he makes it, not just be someone's brother, or someone's son, or just a clone, he's not sure how to actually do that. But he's good at swallowing all that down, and so he grins again.

"Thanks, I appreciate it. So now that the spa is here, this is the chosen tension tamer? I mean, I knew it showed up, but I only swung by really because I didn't think I'd get back to sleep right away."

Almost a slip-up, but Xander isn't entirely unwilling to let his feet of clay show, either. He found it so damn annoying when Alex acted unfeeling and perfect. He couldn't mimic his twin that much.

"Does that mean you have language powers like hers?

Kaiba's curious---he's heard from Nita how difficult that particular task is. As he ponders, he spots another strange mark on Xander...a bar code? Well. They all have their secrets. Kaiba shrugs and sinks in comfortably, now that the new dynamic is established.

"I've had nights I couldn't sleep either," he offers. "When danger's around the corner, and you've endured enough loss already to know what's at stake...you know things can get worse. So I've been trying to prepare for the missions, and. I finally hit a wall."

His chin drops. There it is...that unpleasant feeling knocking on the door.

Something about "rank and file" does not sit right with Siebren. He doubts Xander has zero skills; even that optimism that Xander had been displaying could be helpful in the right situation. "I doubt there is any such thing as 'rank and file,' here," he replies. "From what I have observed, the train is full of unique individuals with unique talents. Everyone brings something." Openness and the ability to defuse a tense situation, for example. "Have you had any luck with the train?"

He listens, and considers. Not getting back to sleep implies something woke Xander up; a nightmare, perhaps? And the losses Seto mentions - were they from home, or experienced over the course of his time on the train? Both questions worth pursuing, but not at this exact moment. "It happens to all of us, at one point or another," he says as a response to both. "I have found a distraction is often the best option until you can relax enough to rest. Your mind does work through problems as you sleep, after all." Tearing the wound open further to investigate the cause only drives sleep further away. He has spent enough nights chasing his own problems to the knife's edge of his sanity to have learned at least that much. Best to leave it be and let the brain sort through it on its own time.

Edited 2020-11-10 08:20 (UTC)

"Language powers? No, nothing so fancy." Xander laughs, but it's a weak one. "I'm an empath, so I'm reading the train's emotions."

It sounds stupid to him as soon as he says it, but he keeps going. "It's really reticent and withdrawn...and I think it's...sad? I mean we all figure it knows more than we do, but...we've had a little bit? Not much."

Beyond that? Xander doesn't know, and the train's not telling. Mostly, what his empathy tends to be good for in that situation is figuring out if someone is lying or not. There just tends to be a feeling of smugness or getting away with something when that happens. And so far, that hasn't happened with the train yet. It's been traumatized, Xander thinks, because there are echoes there that he's felt from other people.

And these people, with their wariness, echoes that, but he's not about to spit that out. He's already put his foot in his mouth once. He's not in a hurry to do so again.

And yet. He reaches over to just put a hand on Seto's shoulder, briefly. Saying 'I know, I've been there' seems way too...smirkingly superior to Xander, but he wants to offer comfort in some way. He'd handle his twin like that, or anyone else who seemed sort of standoffish and touch averse. But he knows.

Xander shrugs again, then. "I went for a walk, sort of--as much as you can, here. I didn't want to go to the garden car, because my familiar--she's a tiny white bat--she might wake up, then. I left her in my cabin. She's safe enough there. And I figured I could soak a bit and then go back, so long as I didn't get my wings back. Good enough, right?"

Kaiba listens to the story about the train with mild interest. Nita had already told him parts, of course, but it was nice to have confirmation about their...home.

But as the angel's hand brushes his shoulder, the other meaning of the word sinks in. Empath...he's almost certainly reading Seto's emotions too. Years of guarding his heat have built up his flight instinct, and the urge to pull away and deny is strong. But there's a fledgling desire to let it go, too...

Seto meets Xander's eyes and exhales softly, considering what to say next. Siebren's idea of just ignoring it and letting his subconsciousness sort it all out is still appealing, but they're all here now.

"Didn't want to worry her? Mm. I'm told friends are meant to share their lives...but there are some things you don't burden them with. Being alone was far less complicated," he sighs.

Siebren leans forward as Xander speaks, markedly interested. This is data he can work with, or that may be relevant in the future: proof that the train is sentient and potentially sapient. It is intriguing, to say the least, and he opens his mouth to ask for further details, to ask why Xander would think such a useful power would ever be considered rank and file-

And then Xander reaches out to Seto, and something he had been missing clicks into place. If Xander is able to read the train's emotions, what is to stop him from reading theirs?

He closes his mouth, leans back again, takes a breath, and tries his best to quell the sudden anxiety tightening in his chest. For the second time this evening, Xander has been privy to things Siebren tries his hardest to keep hidden, and there is precious little Siebren can do about it.

But Xander seems...open. Willing to talk, and willing to help, if he is interpreting that gesture correctly. Siebren still does not want to talk about it - nobody needs to know about Sigma until it is unavoidable - but perhaps he can trust Xander with the information Xander already has.

Perhaps.

He lets that breath out slowly, and listens, and thinks. "Perhaps," he says, "but in my experience, the benefits of extended isolation do not outweigh the isolation itself." Admittedly, Siebren's circumstances had been involuntary and rather extreme, but nonetheless. He cannot fathom the idea of being so utterly alone again by choice. "Humans are social creatures. Like it or not, we need each other."

It is only after the words are out of his mouth that he realizes they are not his; they are Dr. Winston's, spoken to him years ago, in an ultimately successful attempt to convince him to socialize with the other scientists aboard the Horizon Lunar Colony.

It has been years since he has thought about Dr. Winston, and now it seems the train will not allow him to leave the memories behind him, and he does not understand why-

An uncomfortable feeling rises in his throat, one he cannot name, and he swallows it back and returns his attention to Seto and Xander. Whatever it is, he will deal with it later.

Xander nods to Seto. "Yeah, I didn't. It's sort of an uneven friendship, you know? She can't talk, most other people aren't empaths, so she's gotten really good at charades." That and the fact that Cottonball is a thumb-sized white bat with a yellow snub nose and bright oildrop eyes doesn't hurt her cuteness factor. He's pretty sure she's safe anywhere she goes, on that alone.

But Seto's next words sound so much like Alex's that it practically takes Xander's breath away. He gives another weak laugh, then.

"You sound like my twin, Alex, Seto. I could swear he said the same thing--being alone is less complicated. People are complicated. They're hard to understand! I mean. Even I try to come off as uncomplicated, but...it's like a duck. You watch them out on a lake and they look so peaceful, gliding across the water...but then when they take flight, or even if they get spooked, you realize the graceful glide is all illusion, and they're paddling like hell under the surface, just to keep going."

The look he gives Siebren may speak volumes--or, it could only be a look. He's not going to unearth anyone's secrets, despite whatever emotions of theirs he might be registering. Those secrets are their own property--unless either man chooses to share. He's got his own, after all.

"Alex liked to hole himself up in his tower," Xander says, somewhat musing. "He's always had a really hard time interacting with people--when he was a baby, he got trapped in a pocket dimension with Dr. Valkonan and his family, and so he didn't get a whole lot of socialization. He wants to be around people, and be liked, but he still doesn't quite know how. Before I came here, I was trying to teach him...he was jealous of me, because I always find it easy to interact with people...but..."

Xander looks more than a little guilty, then. "It's just...another power, I guess? Like our Earth magic, though he's a lot more powerful than I am with that. He's done so much study and research to get as good as he is, and I just kind of got it. Just like I kind of got my empathy. I can't turn it off, so I have to live with it and ignore it if I can."

Mostly he tries to, because he doesn't want to pry. People's emotions are something private; his being able to read them is like accidentally barging in on someone in a bathroom, except he can't stop it entirely. Just shield as best he can and do his best to ignore it when he can't.

Seto listens to both of their words. Siebren's words remind him of Mokuba's from long ago...he needs to learn to smile again. He should play nice with Yugi. He doesn't have to keep his walls up all the time.

"I don't mean to disturb you with any emotion. I'm working on handling it," he offers to Xander. He should really leave, then...but though this Alex character isn't exactly like him? He's similar enough that maybe Xander does know something about helping. And he likes Siebren well enough. Maybe he can discuss this...in clinical terms, at least. Uncertainty swirls, but he presses on.

"I'm only explaining this so you don't jump to incorrect conclusions," he begins. "My brother and I were orphaned and had difficulty getting adopted, so I...negotiated with one of the top businessmen in the country when he visited for a photo op. I knew going into it that sentimentality had no part in our deal, it was purely transactional...but I underestimated how thoroughly he would shape me."

A dark expression crosses his face, and a swell of guilt accompanies it. He really doesn't need to elaborate for them to draw the correct conclusions.

"I was taught to trust no one. To see the world as a series of business transactions, not connections. I've been dragged back down and into something resembling standard friendships since, but I still feel like I'm faking it."

Did he actually say all that? His cheeks warm a little, and he folds his arms over his chest self-consciously.

Edited (emotions i'm done i swear) 2020-11-11 04:16 (UTC)

He has heard the duck metaphor before, but followed up with an empath giving him a look...well. Nothing quite like being put on notice. Having the ability to put things aside does not prevent Xander from picking up on them in the first place.

He closes his eyes briefly as Seto speaks - evidently correcting assumptions with the truth had come back around. So much for controlling the narrative to prevent that scenario. But Seto is explaining, and Siebren is, as always, curious.

It takes him three sentences to regret that curiosity.

This is...there is little wonder Seto had referred to this as a burden; it would be difficult to carry in the best of circumstances, and obviously Seto had not had anything of the sort. Those marks on his back, and his words...it is not difficult to see what Seto is implying.

The realization sinks in, and for a moment, Siebren burns with rage.

He understands being broken and reformed - he has done it himself, however unwillingly - but Siebren's circumstances were the result of an accident, an experiment gone wrong, and all the choices leading up to it had been his to make. Seto had made a deal to try to care for his brother, and the adult in the equation had abused him - had broken him on purpose - Seto had not deserved that - no child deserves that-

But the businessman in question is in the past and a different dimension, and rage without a target is useless - to Siebren, and more importantly, to Seto. He lets go of it - pushes it away - and the moment fades, taking the fire with it.

"Of course it feels that way," he says, still searching for words even as he speaks. "It is the opposite of everything you have been taught." And pain, for good or for ill, is an effective teacher. "But...progress, by its nature, is gradual. You make an attempt, you learn, and you incorporate what you have learned into your next attempt. You may not be able to see the difference, when you know the effort that went into every attempt, but those who know your starting point would likely be able to see it easily." Whether there is anyone else on the train that knows that starting point aside from Siebren and Xander is a question that does not bear asking at the moment.

Oh, no. No no no. "First things first, you're not bothering me with your emotions, Seto. Nobody really does, but I can't say it never happens. Most of the time, I'm fine, I swear. It's...been a few months since I was bothered with emotions."

And Xander is not going to bring up that particular happenstance, not now. No sir, no thank you. At that point, it was all he could do to not make a potential mess of things. He hadn't; so that was what mattered. Xander's not going to go into it.

He can feel how angry Siebren is; and really, that emotion echoes his own. If he were in a place where he could get to that businessman? He'd make the dude feel every...damn...thing he'd done to Seto. In spades. And Xander wouldn't feel a single iota of guilt for it, either. But that's not constructive, to think, to speak. Siebren pushes the rage away; Xander swallows his, to ferment. He might be able to use it later, if that ever becomes necessary. His next glance at Seto is one of respect.

"You had balls, though! For negotiating for yourself and your brother? Not everything that came from that was good, that's the truth. You lost a lot, and relearning that sort of thing when it's been taken from you isn't easy. Just the fact that you want to? Dude, that's huge." Siebren is basically saying the same thing, but from the fatherly perspective--at least age wise (he at least looks 18, roster be damned!) Xander is a peer. And that sort of pressure, for good or bad, can also be quite effective.

"And you protected your brother too, right? Having a brother myself, you know--we kinda look out for each other." Xander didn't know the name of Seto's brother, but still.

"So at least you're familiar with strange upbringings, too, huh?" It's a bad joke, but Xander's at least willing to make it anyway.

Seto is entirely silent as he waits for the fallout to unfold, shoulders just a little more hunched in. He's just admitted how broken he is, how...off balance he is, and that's either pitiful or disgusting. The unease is off the charts...

At least, until he listens. And maybe this is why he chose to reveal this to them...their circumstances may not be the same, but maybe they understand being set apart. Being forged by pain, and having to fight back from that.

He unfolds slowly, lifting his gaze to theirs...and nods, leaning back against the wall of the tub. He feels relief, a small piece of that burden lifted.

"I'm learning the finer points of being part of a group," he agrees easily. "I appreciate the understanding...and maybe you're right. A middle finger his way with every step."

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