voidtreckerexpress | Chewing On More Than The Meal

Entry tags:

najaran [ou]

Chewing On More Than The Meal - OTA

Who: Najaran, open
Where: Garden Car
When: Every day starting from the first day of the mission until the day before platform.
What: Having discovered she can't go onto this mission, Najaran has a lot to think about, and is throwing herself into chores while she does.
Warnings: Angst, trauma mentions, probably violence mentions, emotionally heavy topics possible.

Najaran had been warned before other missions - and then kept off of them - when the world was hostile without her SCA. This time she had tried to avoid everyone who might have stopped her and...

it was bad.

She made it back to the train and laid down a while to recover, but then she had a lot to think about. And she wasn't used to sitting still and brooding. So while she thought she threw herself into chores, so the people on the mission would come back to clean clothes and fresh food.

The way she saw it there were two main issues.

One was that she refused to be pulled away when she could still help, when people still needed her. But like this, she wasn't able to help anyone at all.

But she realized that... that wasn't the only issue. Because even if she wore the SCA... on a world like this, she was still less than useless, she was a liability.

Because even if the SCA protected her... that didn't guarantee it would protect her friends. She wouldn't let them suffer just so she could go out and...

And what?

Could she value her friends over strangers? Could she value strangers over her friends?

It would kill her if Thunderbeak or Knight or one of the others died because the world itself was hostile to them and she insisted on being there to help. But if she went to help with the SCA and didn't summon her friends.... What then? What skills did she actually have that could help anyone other than being a Cepter?

None.

She would just be someone the others had to protect.

She couldn't even bring Goligan for his wisdom, he had been as bad off as she'd been, practically. Without her cards, without Goligan, she was just a teenaged girl. She could do chores, but what was she going to do? Scrub windows at the monsters?

A tear rolled down her face as she cut the vegetables for the stew she was making. She would blame the onions. And yes, she was still cooking in the Garden Car over an open fire.

After Kigi had died, Najaran hadn't quite minded becoming a virtual slave for a few days, because the chores helped keep her mind off of having lost her friend.

But that was the sort of thing time could heal, could ease. Time spent with Gargoyle and Wall Of Stone, listening to their stories about Kigi. Time spent telling her friends here about what Kigi did, what her people did, to save the world.

But there was nothing time or talking could do about the fact that without her cards she was a klutzy glutton. Sure she could fight with a sword, and she could use a shield, if she had to. But not for long. She just didn't have the upper body strength. Or the coordination. She wasn't Joaquin, she couldn't make potions and elixirs for any problem. She wasn't clever Atla with strategies and courage and fire arm skills. She wasn't Ganz who could swing an axe as large as he was and throw people around like rag dolls. She wasn't Kigi, able to shoot a bow and arrows. She didn't even know if you said shoot a bow or shoot arrows. Ad even if she did, she didn't have a bow. Or arrows.

She had spell cards, but she was forbidden to use those. Because she messed things up whenever she tried.

Because she was useless as anything other than either a Cepter or a servant.

After the first day, Goligan had stopped arguing with her, because what was the point? She wasn't listening. The man-headed cane rested against the huge suit of armor that was helping to peel and cut and otherwise prepare from his seated position in the corner. Naja's smaller creatures stayed close to her whenever they weren't running and fetching for her. Except Woodfolk who was hiding in the soil.

Najaran hardly noticed when people came and went, hardly realized when the days changed over, just got up and went back to chores and brooding. She was still careful with the fire, and to not cut herself or burn herself but otherwise, she was working mechanically, more focused inward than outward.

She didn't even notice when people had come back...

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"Oh hi, mom," she said absently, then she realized what she said and went pale as she could go. "s...sorry, Leia," she mumbled, looking down at the meat she was chopping on a board on her lap.

Leia smiled. "It's alright," she said. "You don't need to apologize. After... everything that happened on the false Diagad, it's an easy slip to make."

"Are you doing alright? It must have been very quiet on the train, even with all your friends here."

"I... I guess. I never really... understood what a mom was before, even when Della tried to explain it," she shrugged, trying to dodge the question of how she was doing. She pushed the meat into the pot, then began peeling an apple with the same knife, munching on the peels as she did.

"Biologically speaking, it's fairly simple," Leia said. "Though the rest is... more complicated." And she figured that it was the latter that Naja was having trouble with.

She shook her head at what Naja was doing though. "Don't cut fruit or vegetables with the same knife you used to cut raw meat." She Bent up another, similar knife and offered it to Naja. "Raw meat can have germs on it that you don't want spread to other food, especially things that will be eaten raw."

Edited 2021-09-26 04:56 (UTC)

"Germs?" she asked, then frowned, trying to remember from the other set of memories. "Oh. Are we sure the train has those? I don't think my world did.." then she looked up. "Wait, where did that knife come from?"

"Unless it's specifically sterilized? Everywhere has germs," Leia said. "Though your world may not have discovered them yet; they're too small to be seen with the naked eye."

"As for the knife, I made it with Bending. It's an ability I picked up in the world I was living in prior to being brought to the train. I try not to overuse it here, though."

"If they're too small to be seen, can they really hurt us?" she asked, working with the new knife. "What is Bending?"

"Given that they're the cause of most diseases?", Leia said. "Yes, they can. Some are harmless or even helpful- like the ones that turn juice into wine or milk into cheese-, but under most circumstances it's better to be safe than sorry."

"As for Bending, it's quite literally 'bending' reality with a combination of will, imagination, and practice. It has any number of uses, but the most common is creating things that you want or need. Which is part of why I don't overuse it here, and why I'd appreciate it if you didn't spread it around that I can do it; I don't want to be constantly inundated with people wanting me to make them things so they don't have to spend points on them."

She seemed to forget she was peeling the apple for cooking, as she started to eat it, thinking. "How can you tell where germs are, then?"

She took another bite, as she considered. "Could you teach me?"

"Without a microscope, you can't know exactly which germs are where," Leia said. "But there are some germs everywhere, on and in basically everything. That's why it's good to wash your hands frequently and use proper food safety practices."

"And sadly no; the only way to gain the ability to Bend is to 'wake' in Nautilus or Kaliste, and that's every bit as random as being brought here to the train. It's not something you can teach to someone who hasn't been there."

"We're getting off the subject though." Which she suspected was deliberate on Naja's part. "How are you doing? Were you alright here on the train with so few others around?"

"But there is no stream here to wash in," she pointed out. And the kitchen was too far to go back to every time she finished cutting something....

She sighed at the thought she couldn't learn that other power. Not that she cared about powers in general, but it would have made her useful, wouldn't it?

She shrugged a bit at the question. "I'm used to being alone just me and my Cards and Goligan whenever my Master has to go out. Sometimes it is days at a time, so that was fine," she said softly. That might have been fine but she clearly wasn't.

"Which is why the kitchen is a much more ideal place to cook," Leia said. "Especially when it comes to preparing ingredients. If you like, I can show you how to use the equipment there." She really only know the basics in terms of actual cooking techniques, but she certainly knew how all the appliances worked.

And yeah, she wasn't buying that 'fine' for a moment. "Except that it's clearly not fine," she said. "Or at least, you're clearly not. Care to tell me what's on your mind, Naja?"

"I'd like to learn, but Knight can't fit in the kitchen, so we'll be cooking in here, anyway..." she said with a shrug.

"It's just... more of what we discussed the other time. I didn't want to risk my friends, so we couldn't go on the mission, but that meant I wasn't helping anyone..." she shrugged a bit, looking away, trying to make it seem like it bothered her less than it did. She flopped back to lay down and stare at the roof. "I don't know how to protect everyone at the same time," she whispered.

"You could always prepare the ingredients there and then bring them here, if you're concerned about not being able to spend time with them," Leia said. "Or find other activities you could do together."

Ah, that was it. She walked over and carefully sat down next to Naja on the floor, so as not to be looming over her. "The unfortunate truth is that most of the time? You can't. Occasionally everything will align perfectly and let you protect everyone equally, but in a typical mission situation? You're going to have to make choices. And not all of them will be easy ones."

"But Knight is the best at peeling vegetables!" she protested.

Knight grunted, but made no other comment. Cooking wasn't his favorite chore, but since it was one of the few times he could come out now that they were on the train... he minded it a little less.

"I can't make those kinds of choices. I'm not smart like you and my Master. Or anything like that. I'm just me. Half the time I don't know what I'm doing and just... blunder along..." she said, closing her eyes and rolling onto one side.

"I need to keep my Cards safe, but I want to keep everyone else safe too."

"I'll tell you a secret, Naja," Leia said. "No one here- or anywhere else really- truly knows what they're doing. So as long as you feel that way, you're in good company."

"But if you don't feel that your judgment for things like that is sound, then the best thing to do would be to apply yourself to learning, and in the meantime, defer to the decisions of people with greater knowledge and experience in the areas where you need to improve. I'm not suggesting that you blindly obey anyone, of course, but if you're not willing or able to make difficult choices, then someone's going to have to."

"My Master always knows what he's doing," she said quickly. "When he seems like he doesn't, it is just because I don't understand yet." It doesn't sound like something that has been drilled into her by her being told it, but something she's drilled into herself over the years.

She sighed at the mention of learning, but brightened a bit as she realized... "I don't have a teacher here. I'm the only Cepter. So it isn't like anyone can teach me!" she said with the first bit of cheer she's felt in a few days. No one could make her do lessons if no one else understood her Cards, right?

Leia quirked an eyebrow at that one. She couldn't decide if it was wishful thinking or naiveté on Naja's part that had her thinking that, or if her teacher just had that good of a track record. Can you tell me a bit more about your Master?", she said. "I think you've mentioned him before; what's he like?"

"And I meant learning in general. It's true that no one else here can teach you about your cards, but you've clearly got a lot to learn in other areas."

Describe her master? Hmmm...

"Well," she said, sitting up again. "When he's angry he's the scariest thing ever. I mean I was almost eaten by a giant fly thing, but I think Master Horowitz is even scarier."

"The lord of flies," Goligan put in from his spot leaned against the wall.

She nodded. "But Master Horowitz is tons scarier." She hugged her arms and shuddered a bit. "But when he's not being scary he's..." she put a finger to her lips, thinking. Because he's always just been her Master. She's never really had to explain him before. "When I was really little, after I started living with him, he told me not to play in the attic. But I went up there while he was making dinner. I still wasn't always sure that I'd get food just because there was food, so I was looking to see if food was hidden anywhere else. Ad I found something super yummy looking."

"I still have the scars," Goligan said dryly.

"My teeth were itchy," she said like a sister might when teasing a sibling. "Anyway, so I started chewing on this old lumpy staff I found."

"HEY!"

"And my Master found me. But he wasn't angry that I was up there, and din't chase me away. He brought us downstairs and studied Goligan a lot, then gave him to me. Even after we found the other man-headed canes, my Master only ever said anything bad about Goligan once. It was the only time he's ever been wrong, and he admitted that himself."

"He was worried about you, Naja," Goligan said softly. "And so was I. I was doubting myself too."

"Goligan doesn't have any memories from before I woke him up," Naja explained to Leia. "So they were both afraid he used to be evil and might become evil again or something. But he's just Goligan. He doesn't have an evil bone in his body."

"Lady Najaran..." he whispered, clearly touched.

"He doesn't have any bones in his body at all," she concluded.

He slumped. He was made of wood, yet somehow he slumped. Why did he always fall for that?

She grinned a bit, then turned her attention back to the question at hand. "My Master's done a lot. and he's old. Like really old. I've seen paintings and stuff from ages back. He and his two friends were super powerful, but they went their own ways. They knew about lots of stuff, including things like Dragons. Master Horowitz has a Dragon Eye, and it let me see the end of the War of the Gods, when all the Dragons died," she said quietly, looking down at her lap as she remembered that. It had been a sad memory, and she had been locked within it, living it.

Eidolon climbed into her lap and she put her arms around him, cuddling him as she remembered. "His friend took the other Dragon's eye, they had a falling out over it. Their other friend Mistress Grubel... she's as old as the two of them but she looks young. She works really hard to look young. She has a machine that sees other worlds. She showed it to me. And she can read the hand of Culdra in all things, she can read us as if we were still in the Book of Creation and she held it. And even she's awed by Master Horowitz."

She considered. What else to say?

"Oh! This one time after Goligan and I were kidnapped again we were brought to"

"NAJARAN!"

"This place," she said turning to glare at Goligan before sticking out her tongue. "And we were supposed to meet this super important leader guy, and we get there and Master Horowitz is sitting in his seat. And I panicked and tried to tell people he was senile to keep them from getting super angry at them. But apparently he was this super important leader guy to them." She sighed, sad again. "All those years with him, and I never knew all this important stuff about him. About how many people listen to him and respect him. He doesn't just tell people to do things and they do it..." she said, thinking things through now as she spoke.

"He made us come into this crowded room and tell people about the Lord of Flies and the Dark Lord and the Black Cepters. But none of them wanted to listen to me. I think if he told them to, they would have but instead he let them challenge me to a battle royale duel. I think..." And she was thinking now. "I think he wanted them to see me, se what I could do. It was scary, because at the time I couldn't summon my Cards at all, and they didn't let me talk to him to try and figure out why. Well not for long. He did come by right before the duel and I told him. He wished me good luck and stuff."

She rested her chin on Eidolon's furry head as she remembered, speaking as she did. "It was scary, going out there, unable to summon my Cards. But then suddenly I could..." She frowned. Thinking. Remembering. "I was running scared, everyone was trying to take me out. But then..." Right, that was what had happened... "Someone said that all the battles I'd won till then had to be against weak folk. And I thought of Chimeno and how much his goblins loved him, and how he turned out not to be such a bad guy after all. I thought about Master Owen and how much he risked and sacrificed to protect us all. And Kigi... Kigi's sister gave me her cards, Kigi died believing in my power after I beat her." Her voice was trembling with emotion now. "They weren't weak. I won't let anyone say any of them were weak."

Seriously, she knew Kigi for so short a time and spent most of it at odds with her and yet... Najara would defend Kigi to her own death and beyond.

"Suddenly I just had all this power. And I could summon my Cards again." She pulled herself back from the emotion, the memory of it nearly sweeping her away for a moment. She felt her Cards that were still Cards trembling at her back. Leia would see a pride and strength in how the summoned Cards were holding themselves. And that those who could inched closer to Najaran, like they were preparing to close ranks and defend. But also like they were drawn to her, as though she were worth defending.

"I think..." she was making an effort to step back from that rush of feeling, that readiness to fight. "I think Master Horowitz must have known that would happen. That I could do well enough that they'd listen to me. And they did, after. We left soon after that, but then I wound up here. I'm sure he's either worried I'm off causing trouble, or he knows exactly where I am and wants me to stay," she said a bit ruefully. "I wish I knew which. I wish... I wish I could go back and help him, finish what we started... but I don't want to leave the people I've met here either, or stop helping other worlds."

And then brought back to the current issue, she fell back onto her back again, holding Eidolon like a plushie clutched to her chest as she did. "When I can help, that is," she said, a bit bitterly. Angry at herself.

Well that was more of a story than Leia had been expecting, but she wasn't about to say no to more information in a situation like this. She sat quietly, letting Naja talk, and nodding slightly or making soft, affirmative sounds at appropriate intervals to let Naja know she was listening. "He sounds like quite a man," she said when Naja had finished her story. "And it sounds like you and he have both led very interesting lives, in both good and bad ways."

"I've got a question for you though, Naja. What is it you want to do in either world? Do you want to help? Or do you want to be a hero? Because they're often very different things."

"To help!" she said at once, with no hesitation. She did sound a bit angry and mire than a bit hurt, though. "I don't care about people thinking I'm a hero. I only care about the Mistral thing because Kigi cared so much about it! I don't care if people know who I am. I'm not helping for me! I'm helping because people need help!"

Leia nodded her understanding. "That's good, but that's not exactly what I meant," she said. "A better question might be, what do you feel you need to do in order to feel like you're helping? How big of an impact does what you're doing have to have before you can feel as though you've been helpful in a meaningful way?"

She wasn't quite sure what she was being asked. "If I can help and people need my help, then I should keep helping until they don't need help anymore, right?" Even if it half killed her. Or more than half.

She wasn't as bad as Link, in some ways. Because for her she meant helping in a save lives and homes sort of way. She wouldn't hurt herself helping someone fetch a pail of water because they couldn't be bothered to do it for themselves.

But if someone was in danger, she'd put herself between that person and that danger. Even if she was out of power and injured. If someone's home collapsed, she and her friends would work until Naja passed out to rebuild it, or at least get the people to a safe other home. She might get distracted sometimes, like when she ate the apple she had been pealing for the people who had been hurt in Soron in the medical tent. But...

This was the girl who defended those same people with her only shield when Zenith had attacked. The girl who nearly died fighting him to stop him from wasting the town. She was also the same girl who thought that next to Sir Owen... she had done practically nothing of value.

Leia's question was a good one. Najaran just didn't understand it. Or herself.

"Within reason, yes," Leia said, with a slight emphasis on the first two words. "It's best not to leave a job half-finished if it can be avoided, whether it involves a mission or not; it almost inevitably causes more trouble later if you do. But it's not good to run yourself into the ground trying to help others. A little rest now and then can do wonders, and make you that much more productive in the end."

As for the rest... how to explain what she meant to the obviously confused young woman? She considered a moment. "Let's try this. Which would you consider more helpful: delivering and helping to distribute a shipment of badly needed medicine and supplies to a town in the midst of an outbreak of a deadly disease, or driving off a ferocious monster that had been repeatedly attacking a different town, damaging property and killing and injuring people there?"

"We have lots of time to rest between missions. Even doing chores only takes like a day or so every few days." So she was fine. Besides, she'd be training in that time if she was home.

"Why... can't I do both?" Why was that even a question?

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