motherofresistance (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
motherofresistance) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
voidtreckerexpress2021-12-05 01:57 am
motherofresistance) wrote in voidtreckerexpress2021-12-05 01:57 am
Entry tags:
Family therapy
Who: Leia, Clef, Link, and Shadow Link
Where: The Quiet car
When: Orchestra- Day 18
What: Leia tries to help bring Clef and his boys back together again
Warnings: Feelings and possibly some angst
It had taken a little while to properly arrange it, but the four of them were now seated in one of the Quiet Car booth compartments, the door closed behind them to block out distractions from the rest of the train. Leia and Clef sat on one side of the table, Link and Shadow on the other. Each of them had a cup of tea in front of them, and there was a plate of simple sugar cookies in the center of the table; negotiations nearly always went better with refreshments, in this case enough to put people more at ease without being overly distracting. And it felt a bit like peace negotiations, despite the fact that those involved were a family, rather than squabbling bureaucrats or Senators. At the very least, she expected some boundaries would need to be redrawn before they were done.
"Alright," Leia said. "Since I'm largely here as a mediator, a few ground rules before we get started, to avoid this turning into an argument. Everyone is going to respect everyone else's right to speak. No interrupting or talking over anyone; wait until the person who's currently talking is finished. We'll go counter-clockwise around the table and take turns speaking. Myself, then Clef, then Shadow, then Link, then back to me, and so on. If you don't have anything to say at the moment, you're welcome to indicate that the next person should go, but then you'll have to wait until your next turn to speak again. And finally- this hopefully goes without saying, but just in case-, we're here to talk. Which means no weapons, no magic, and no Bending get broken out."
"Now... with that out of the way..." She nodded to Clef, indicating that she was finished.
Where: The Quiet car
When: Orchestra- Day 18
What: Leia tries to help bring Clef and his boys back together again
Warnings: Feelings and possibly some angst
It had taken a little while to properly arrange it, but the four of them were now seated in one of the Quiet Car booth compartments, the door closed behind them to block out distractions from the rest of the train. Leia and Clef sat on one side of the table, Link and Shadow on the other. Each of them had a cup of tea in front of them, and there was a plate of simple sugar cookies in the center of the table; negotiations nearly always went better with refreshments, in this case enough to put people more at ease without being overly distracting. And it felt a bit like peace negotiations, despite the fact that those involved were a family, rather than squabbling bureaucrats or Senators. At the very least, she expected some boundaries would need to be redrawn before they were done.
"Alright," Leia said. "Since I'm largely here as a mediator, a few ground rules before we get started, to avoid this turning into an argument. Everyone is going to respect everyone else's right to speak. No interrupting or talking over anyone; wait until the person who's currently talking is finished. We'll go counter-clockwise around the table and take turns speaking. Myself, then Clef, then Shadow, then Link, then back to me, and so on. If you don't have anything to say at the moment, you're welcome to indicate that the next person should go, but then you'll have to wait until your next turn to speak again. And finally- this hopefully goes without saying, but just in case-, we're here to talk. Which means no weapons, no magic, and no Bending get broken out."
"Now... with that out of the way..." She nodded to Clef, indicating that she was finished.
no subject
Still, as openings went, she'd heard far worse ones. At least he was talking again. And being honest.
She nodded at Shadow's clarification. She wasn't fond of the whole cycle of reincarnation that produced sword-wielding chosen warriors given little choice in their fate in their world., but it still couldn't be called ownership. And without context it would indeed have been worrying.
And she couldn't help but smile slightly at Malon- presumably another child Link knew- being described as a 'terrifying force of nature'. After all, she knew full well how much of a handful Ben had been, and how much of one she herself had been too by all accounts.
"It can be a difficult balance, yes," she said. "Wanting to protect your children while also respecting their ability and independence, especially as they get older. And we don't always get it right. I know I didn't with Ben. And my parents didn't, either, with me."
"They kept me in the dark about their efforts against the Empire until I was about as old as you are now, Link. And even then, it was only by accident that I found out. They thought that if I was innocent, if I knew nothing of the Rebellion, that the Empire would spare me if they were found out and we were captured. They were wrong, and deep down they knew it. But it was a lie they had to keep telling themselves in order to keep going. The idea that they could somehow keep me safe in the increasingly hostile galaxy that I was about to become a much bigger part of."
"Perfect parents don't exist. Nor do perfect children. Because perfect people don't exist. We all have our faults and foibles, myself included. That's part of what makes life interesting. And complicated."
no subject
That if they argued now...
Link would just... just leave.
Clef rubbed at his face and focused on Link's question. So many words rushed at his head all at once and he started to reach for the gem in his staff, then stopped himself just in time.
"There is so much I want to say to answer your question, Link," he said softly. Then looked to Leia. "May I at least use magic to fetch my pen and create paper so I can make notes and put my thoughts in order? So I don't say the wrong thing and hurt them further?" the last was almost a whisper.
no subject
Shadow hummed. "Probably do him some good. At least writing gets out his thought process if it goes badly. "
no subject
He nodded in agreement about writing. “Use your finger maybe? Then you don’t break the terms and you can feel better about it.” Link mimed tracing words on the table with his index finger.
no subject
"I have notebooks and pens for the rest of us too, if any of you would like to make notes or organize your thoughts that way. Doodling is also acceptable, provided you can do so and still pay attention to what's being said." She figured she'd better bring enough for all; she'd worked with people who'd claim unfairness for less, and she wasn't about to risk that.
no subject
no subject
He paused. "I'll take a notepad and pen. Better to have something to fidget with even if I'm more likely to just rip up paper, honestly."
no subject
But, Shadow had a point about the possibility of Clef feeling out-numbered, so he merely nodded in agreement.
no subject
"And since there seem to be no objections, you can summon and use your own pen," she said to Clef. "Though I'm a bit curious as to why it's significant now."
no subject
He started making notes with the pen in the notebook.
First impression. So much like Ferio.
Once thought I wanted Ferio to wind up his father so Ferio would see what it was like raising Ferio. He gave a small nostalgic smile as he write that.
Wound up equal parts terrified and hopeful he and Ferio would meet. They'd either be good for each other or destructive.
Masquerade ball. The cookies. Learning to make them for Link.
The booth. He sat back a bit and looked at what he wrote before circling it several times and adding notes to that section. the day I realized I felt so protective, that I wanted to teach and help. Wanted to see him grow up into who he would be. Not fits and starts like Ferio. But throughout. Argot. Wanting to help him. Worry. So much worry. Idiom.
Realizing I was worrying more and more.
How often I thought about him in his absence, which seemed odd at the time.
He lifted his pen from the page, reviewed what he had written, and realized that he had gone well past answering the question. He could be here for decades if he were to write everything.
So he lifted his pen from the page and reviewed his notes. Considered the question again, then took a deep breath.
"First of all, to get it out of the way, The Doctor and his choices had absolutely nothing to do with mine. I did not get inspired to adopt someone because he was adopting people, nor did I feel any grandiose obligation to help those he neglected. In hindsight I am uncertain if I was even aware he was adopting anyone at the time. It certainly is not part of my thoughts when it comes to you," he said firmly. "Either of you."
He took another breath, eyes roaming his notes as he gathered his thoughts once more.
"Link, when we first met... perhaps not my very first thought, but one of my earliest thoughts was that you reminded me so very much of Ferio. I was not Ferio's father, for the record. I never once considered myself anything more than his teacher at first, and then later a friend. Much later compared to the length of time between when I first met you and when I realized how I felt about you."
A breath. He was shakey. Afraid. This answer could make or break everything. He didn't know what answer Link wanted. What he knew was the truth. It was all he had. So he offered it.
"I went from seeing you much as I did Nash or Jane at the time. Someone I considered a friend. My... definition of friend has changed over recent years I will admit. At the time it was my original definition. You were like Presia or Ferio. Everyone I liked at all, save for my Princess was. It was my job to teach and guide when we were together, to learn from you when we were together. And that was it. I could go centuries without seeing Presea and hardly notice it. Ferio I noticed slightly more only because I was his teacher and his sister's for so long, and then even when he stopped coming to lessons, the princess often brought him up. But once I was with someone else, or more often, alone with my books, I rarely thought much of any of them, other than to note a book they should read or something I should inform them of."
"The holiday ball, the masquerade we were forced to attend. I started asking Jane and others about the cookies there, because I wanted to create them for you. I did not see it, at the time, as different from making a note for Presea. But when I did finally try to make them, I realized that there was something... different... in how I felt getting them ready for you than even in any lesson I had prepared. I did not know why or how."
"Over time I went from thinking you were just like Ferio, to - for a short period - day dreaming about you and Ferio waking up one day as father and son. I wanted to see that. I... do not know if you realize how odd that was for me, I am not one generally prone to daydreams and flights of fancy. And yet there I was thinking about how it would serve Ferio right after all the heart attacks he put everyone through to have a son so much like him. I actually found myself thinking about that and smiling from time to time when I meant to be studying."
He took a breath and looked at his notes again, trying to gather himself. "That... That didn't last long, honestly. I soon realized that wasn't actually what I wanted, amusing as it might have been."
"I realized that the way you made me worry was not at all the way Ferio made me worry." How to say this when he hardly understood it himself? "It wasn't just the intensity, though that was an aspect. It was more..."
How should he even say it?
He stopped and started making notes again. How would I react to Ferio getting a new scar? How would I react to Nope. Not even on paper. He turned the page and started again.
Would Ferio playing with bombs upset me? Yes. Same way? No. Why?
Frustration filled him. He was unused to lacking the words to explain something, but here he was, unable to put into words why Link playing with bombs panicked him when Ferio playing with bombs would likely only irritate him.
"I don't have the proper vocabulary for this, apparently," he admitted. "I will look into books to rectify this failing in myself as soon as I reasonably can, and I appologize for the fact that I do not seem to know the proper words to explain this. which is eminently frustrating. The best I can do is to say that I realized it was different. You playing with bombs as if they were toys scares me as well as upsets me in other ways, where as the thought of Ferio doing the same more... frustrates me. Please never show Ferio bombchu bowling. I do not think I could handle the two of you egging each other on that way..."
He rubbed at his face and looked at his notes. Right.
"The day you had that booth... I think that's when I first really realized that I didn't just want to teach you, the way I wanted to teach Ferio. When Ferio passed a certain point then stopped coming to lessons regularly I was frustrated and annoyed. But I could focus on teaching his sister and push that aside. And once I was back in my tower those emotions wouldn't bother me again until I was planning the next lesson for them. But with you... I felt a deeper need not just to teach you but also... a desire to see you learn. And yes, those are separate things. I loved the look on your face when you made connections. When things made sense to you. And watching you working to figure out something that didn't, when I knew you would come to the answer. I wanted to see you learn and grow. Not just at lessons, but between as well. I wanted also to... to protect you. Not because I thought you couldn't protect yourself, but... well in part because I realized you wouldn't. But also just... because you had become important to me in a way nothing else had. I didn't have words for it then, I lack them still now."
"But more and more... I wasn't able to push thoughts of you aside when I went to study. Less and less did I want to. More often the things I studied were a direct result of thoughts about you or conversations with you. Or ways to protect you."
He pursed his lips. "I always believed in the Magic Knights legend. I was part of forcing those girls to save our princess and our world, part of pushing them onto what I thought was their destiny. But hearing you talk about your fate and being a hero, and having no choice... you made me rethink everything, Link. Made me realize that I have done to those girls something I can never make up for. Being a hero should be a choice each person makes for themselves. Not a choice made for them."
He held up a hand. "I know it is a choice you would make over and over again, that is not in question. It is who you are... but having seen so many different worlds' versions of healthy childhoods...."
He wiped at his face. "I am making a has out of this..." he muttered.
"The summary is I wanted to adopt you when I realized that I wanted to be there to watch you learn and grow. To help you when you needed help. That I wanted you to be part of my life. Not just for a lesson here and a lesson there. But an actual part of it. When I realize that if I lost you to something I could have helped to prevent..." He shook his head. "Again, I know you are capable and strong but... I wanted to have your back, and to know that you had mine."
He shook his head and looked at Leia. "I really am not good at this. I don't know how to properly explain it. Are you certain there are no books on the subject that I could study so I could articulate this more efficiently?"
no subject
"There are definitely no books," Shadow said, twirling the pen between his fingers. "Any there might be ya'd risk getting reliant on to try and quantify how ya feel instead of looking how ya actually feel."
no subject
When Clef did speak, Link listened, even if he was a bit confused here and there. He’d thought it had been a simple question. It seemed there were a lot of layers to Clef’s reasoning, so many that Link feared he couldn’t understand them all.
“See, I agreed because you were the first person ever to ask in any world I’d been to. You were kind to me. And you didn’t want impossible things from me.”
Link wasn’t as verbose. Even at his most talkative, he couldn’t compete with Clef.
“Until you did. And I tried really hard, but, unlike helping people…you never were happy with the results. You just kept moving the goal post on me, and eventually I decided to stop. But, that’s not really important.”
He chewed his lip, twirling a pen between the fingers of his left hand.
“My hobbies—-I won’t show anyone from your world my favorite pastimes.”
Link twirled the pen in the opposite direction.
“I have your back. You just don’t always see it.”
no subject
"There may be books to help expand your emotional vocabulary," Leia said, answering Clef's question first, "but Shadow's still mostly right. Any books like that would only be a starting point; they could give you words, but not teach you how to use or apply them to your life, just like reading a dictionary doesn't teach you how to write or speak well. They could provide a foundation, perhaps, but you'd still need to do most of the building yourself."
"And it might be helpful to know what specific things Clef asked of you that you found unreasonable," she said to Link. "There's generally nothing wrong with consistently encouraging someone to improve, but that can go too far sometimes if the other person's own needs and desires aren't taken into account enough."
no subject
See, I agreed because you were the first person ever to ask in any world I’d been to.
It didn't have to be him. Link... Link didn't love him. Had never loved him. This was... was just like Link doing any task asked of him. He hadn't become Clef's son because he wanted to.
But because he never said no to anyone.
And for as well as Clef knew him... thought he knew him... how did he miss that? How did he ever let himself think... think that it could have been more?
And you didn’t want impossible things from me. Until you did.
Link had agreed, because he thought he was doing a kindness for Clef... and now... now he regretted it.
Clef couldn't focus on the room, or anything said after that. Just the sound of his heart shattering over and over again.
He was unaware that he'd gone still and pale, unaware of the pain in his eyes and the tears falling free of them...
no subject
It wasn't like they were ALL inherently dangerous, jeeze.
Except then Clef had grown quiet again and he's doing his best to listen to these rules.
And...crying?!
He doesn't even know why and he looks at Leia for some help here because even if he can guess at negative emotions, he can't figure out what Link said to get THIS reaction.
no subject
“What’s wrong? Why did you stop talking? I told you how special you are. That out of all the adults I came across you were the only one interested in me for my own sake……”
He looked from Clef to Leia and Shadow.
“I promised not to show your friend the fun stuff….I told you I had your back, just you didn’t always see it…….what’s wrong??”
Link sincerely couldn’t fathom what he might have said to get such a reaction.
no subject
She had been about to attempt to translate when Link did the job for her, for which she was more than willing to let speaking outside his turn slide. Rather than try to explain Clef's problem to Link right away though, instead, she opted to make sure Clef was still with them. "Clef?", she said simply, resting a hand on his shoulder. Hoping the touch would bring him out of his shock if Link's words couldn't do the job alone.
no subject
no subject
Link had wanted his father to take some responsibility. To not need to be the hero. That should have been his first clue it wasn't about doing what people asked of him.
He is. Very much going to keep quiet, put his face in his hand, and squeeze Link's hand. This isn't something he's gonna weigh in on yet.
no subject
“Not the lady who killed a guy on the Network, that’s for sure.”
And then the other part hit Link like a slap to the face. He felt that old frustration bubble up again, lessened a bit by Shadow.
“How would taking in a feral eleven year old help anyone? And do you honestly believe I have that big of an ego to think I’d be doing you a favor? For Din’s sake, I’ve told you before I needed you to be the strong one…to not need me to fix everything.”
no subject
"What I believe Link is saying," she said to Clef, "is that you're special and important to him precisely because it was you who stepped up to adopt him. It was you to first took the time to see and care about him as a child, and a person, rather than just 'the chosen one'. You who loved him enough to think about what he as a person wanted and needed, rather than just expecting him to conform to the role of 'hero' or 'warrior' and solve everyone's problems, no matter how dangerous or ridiculous they may be." Leia didn't know the particulars of what Link had been asked to do in his world, but she knew enough to make some educated guesses. And she was willing to bet that most- if not all- of it would have been considered ridiculous or unthinkable to ask of a child had he not been arbitrarily slapped with the title of 'Chosen One'.
"As an adopted child myself, I can tell you this with certainty: the fact that my parents were under no obligation to be my parents made me love them that much more once I was old enough to truly understand what that meant. I wasn't just dropped into their lives by happenstance. They wanted me. They chose me, out of love. Could someone else also have chosen to adopt me? Of course. But the point is that no one else did. They stepped up, took me in, raised me, and loved me. Just like you did and are trying to do for Link. And that makes all the difference in the galaxy."
She shifted her attention to include Link. "You can correct me if I'm wrong, Link, but by being 'strong' I assume you don't mean being perfect, or stoic, or even powerful. Rather, you simply want Clef to be someone you can turn to with your problems sometimes, rather than you being the one people turn to with theirs, even if he doesn't always have all the answers. A responsible adult who loves and cares for you and doesn't expect you to be the responsible one. Am I right?"
no subject
He took a deep breath. Then looked up at Link. "Don't you realize how amazing having you as a son has been? There is no ego needed to realize that. That's nothing to do with you being strong or being a hero. It's about the joy you bring into the lives of the people who get the chance to get to know you." He looked down again, but was still talking to Link. "Just seeing you coming to talk to me, makes me smile. Working with you, practicing with you. Spending time with you. Even when we argue sometimes. So yes, saying yes to me... was helping me."
Another deep breath. "And of course you can always talk to me about your problems... but..." He closed his eyes again. "I want to be able to fix them... and I don't know how. I'm not... I'm not as good...as what you need me to be... What I should be..."
no subject
"The whole reason I changed was because Zelda acknowledged me," Shadow said, because Clef needed to understand. "It wasn't that Zelda saw me. It was that someone knew me and still saw. It was barely a moment, maybe twenty seconds, but suddenly everything up to that moment that had decided my actions, the anger, the pain, the fear, none of it mattered as much as protecting someone who saw. I'm only the person I am now 'cause of that moment."
no subject
"Like Leia said, I don't need perfect. I don't even need you to fix my problems. They're kinda huge, and I don't expect anyone can actually fix them. Just having you listen is good enough. But, maybe...maybe not fall apart unless someone is actually dead? That...that would be nice too."
He took a breath and nodded again at what Shadow had said. "Don't you understand how much that meant to me? That you were the first and only one to see a kid with a sword and offer him a home? Out of three different worlds I'd been in? That told me you were someone special and worth the risk of letting in."
Link fidgeted with the paper and pen in his hands, glancing down at them as he continued. "I've lost a lot of people, Clef. I can't even remember my birth parents. The Great Deku Tree was my last dad and he died horribly. Navi left me and I'm starting to think I'll never see her again. People I love end up either dying gruesomely or leaving me or they send me away. Accepting your offer of adoption was a huge thing for me. It still is."
He set the paper and pen down and put his hands in his lap, still staring at the items. "It hurts that you think I'm doing this for some weird heroic reason. That you think I'm being some kind of martyr right now. I'm doing this because I care about you and I wanna make things better between us. And...yes, it kind of does take an ego on my end to see that you think I'm a good son."
no subject
"That's one of the most difficult parts of being a parent," Leia said. "Wanting to always protect your children, to be able to solve all of their problems, to keep them from being hurt, and realizing that you often can't. Sometimes because it's beyond your power. Sometimes because it's simply something that your child has to discover or handle on their own, especially as they get older. Either way, watching them struggle is never easy."
"And another thing that's not easy is seeing beyond the persona that people show the world. The Force gives me something of an unfair advantage in that area, but even that's just a starting point. It takes time and effort to be able to see and know someone like that. And as Shadow said, when someone needs that in their life- as both he and Link did- it can be life changing when someone gives it to them."
She smiled slightly at Link's last admission. "Also? I think you may find that it takes just as much ego for Clef to believe that you view him as a good father, which is partly why we're all here. In that regard, you're both very much alike at the moment."
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)