voidtreckerexpress | Falling fast asleep, may this little boy find blissful dreams.

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Falling fast asleep, may this little boy find blissful dreams.

Who: Allen Walker and anyone
Where: Music Carriage
When: Grasshopper Day 28
What: Allen pondering on what went on in the last world; a reminder of what might or might not happen. So he is making a choice. To speak or not to speak?
Warnings: Mentions of death are likely.

Allen very rarely came into this room, mostly because he wasn't the kind to actually want to play an instrument. But today was a rare exception as he sat at the piano, his fingers lightly touching the keys and making the occasional noise from it. It didn't seem like he was really playing it beyond that.

That was because he wasn't exactly planning to at that moment. Instead, he was thinking about what had just happened, that third memory had been something he had forgotten in the back of his mind since he had gone to Genessia. After all, he never showed signs of Nea around, so he wasn't there. But at the same time he still had the memories technically. So what did that mean?

He knew, either way, he needed to figure it out and so he placed his finger lightly on the keys and started to play a little tune. It was a reminder of the memories that he had, those that were meant to take over someday and when that does...

Shaking his head he stopped if for a moment. He knew deep down he wasn't going to let that happen, he knew he was and he was sure as hell that he was going to stay that way no matter what. But then it brought up another question. Should he tell people? After all, a complete stranger knows so...shouldn't those that he was close to knowing to?

With a small defeated sigh, he played a few notes again before once again starting with the tune again.

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That.. is an interesting answer. It seems surprisingly honest on Allen's part, especially since it means he doesn't bother to cover up the fact that he's not entirely feeling 100% to begin with.

Alice curiously raises an eyebrow and finally stops walking when she's by his side.

"You don't know? And why is that?"

She figures it may have something to do with everything that happened on the island, considering how intense that must have been for everyone.. But she can't be sure, so she might as well ask.

Allen just couldn't put his thoughts to his lips. How he felt? Well he currently had a reminder of his supposed fate thrown back at him after so long of thinking everything was okay... and it still was, right? he hadn't shown any signs and he never noticed a shadow or anything?

But he knew he couldn't keep ignoring it either and pretending that things are okay. What happens if something were to happen after all... Those he cared about most would be the most affected.

"Because what happened on the island was complicated... and... hard to swallow I guess. Being reminded of something that could happen and just reminds me of a possibility is just not nice."

"Something that could happen?"

She leans against the wall, crossing her arms across her chest. That's odd. From what she had heard from Crowley, and from what she herself saw too in the end, all the visions they had gotten were memories. Did Allen instead see a potential future? How curious.

Still, it's obvious that it's affected him, and despite how she may act sometimes, Alice isn't a bad enough friend to disregard that sort of thing. So after a moment, she adds: "Do you want to talk about it? Perhaps it will help."

"I kind of have to... Just in case." He didn't think she was thinking he saw something of his future because in his mind he had simply been told that it was possibly his future or at least was meant to be no questions asked.

It sucked and he hated it. He hated being the one who was picked for it. He just wanted to save people and deep down repent for what he did, though thankfully that did change to waving to save both humanity and all akuma.

"The memory that was shown was when I...talked to my Master about something. I was told that someday...memories that I have implanted in my head will take me over completely and on that day..." he paused, biting his lip slightly.

"I was meant to kill someone I was close to."

Edited 2020-08-31 09:15 (UTC)

Alice frowns.

That's a lot to take in all of a sudden. She knows the memories were pretty heavy just from having seen her own and Crowley's, but to have a reminder of that thrown straight into his face can't exactly have been pleasant for Allen. Besides, if that was a memory of him talking to his master.. has he then been walking around with this knowledge all this time, worrying about it by himself?

She can't be sure, but it wouldn't surprise her, coming from Allen.

".. Why were those memories implanted in your brain? Is it alright for me to ask as much? Is there no way to get rid of them?"

"I honestly don't know why exactly...I was just told he must have done it in a hurry and I was just unfortunately there at the moment." But it might explain why he doesn't really remember before a certain age at least. he couldn't even remember his parents.

"I don't know...it seemed to imply that there wasn't...But I assume only that person could maybe because if it was possible to do it to me it's possible to move it to someone else, but...I wouldn't want that on anyone."

That's such an Allen answer. Saying that he'd rather keep it himself since he doesn't wish it upon anyone else, even though it's rough for him to have to deal with it too. It makes Alice grow quiet for a moment, thinking. It can't help to maybe ask around later, see if she happens to know anyone who might know more about how to maybe get rid of the memories, but for now..

"Fine, then we just have to figure out how to deal with these memories of yours."

Yes, that is a 'we'. For as cold as Alice may seem at times, she's not going to abandon a friend in trouble.

"You said they 'will' take over you. Is it a certainty? Do we have any indication as to when or where it might happen?"

How to deal with them. That made it sound so easy and Allen did have at least a last resort plan should it ever come down to it, but he knew by simply mentioning it he was going to get yelled at because of even having such an idea. But he was at least okay with that being an idea at least.

"When you say we... you actually want to help?" It was such a weird thing, but after all the places he has been to, he couldn't understand why it was still weird for him. People have helped him before and still do.

"It seems like it is yes. It's meant to happen sooner or later, but no indication of when unless I end up hurting myself or someone from my world hurts me in a certain way."

Edited 2020-09-03 07:36 (UTC)

"Of course. You're my friend, Allen."

Listen, usually Alice might be more roundabout about these sorts of things. She doesn't want to be nice too openly - it leaves you much too vulnerable, after all.

But there's no doubt that Allen is important to her. And when it's coming down to a matter this serious, there's really no room for her own dumb fears to get in the way. She has to show that she's serious about this.

"Well, there is no one here from your world, right? So we can leave that option aside. And you hurting yourself is something you can control."

"As far as I know, there isn't. In the previous worlds I was on at best there were always two...Though only in one did they actually stick around." Genessia was certainly something when ti came to people coming and going.

Allen soon nodded slightly, yes it could be controlled... But Allen also has moments where he doesn't think and just does something...

"Can be, but depends on the situation. On a mission I might not think and end up hurting myself. I mean the odds aren't high... But they will be there"

'On a mission I might not think and end up hurting myself' may just be the least reassuring words possible she could hear from Allen. Especially since Alice can imagine that happening. Really, even if he has some rather self-sacrificial tendencies, shouldn't he know better at this point? If the risk is that something could take him over entirely...

"So what would the best plan be then? Do you have to assemble a team of people who could keep an eye on your during missions to make sure that doesn't happen?"

"Technically no. Back home that's what they did. Always have someone to watch me, but I don't think I honestly need to be watched the whole time. Just moments and if someone thinks I'm not acting like my normal self the... I don't really know past that at the moment, but I have to change plans from the first world anyway."

The most reassuring guy right here. he tries but has never had to really think about it in much detail.

The moment he says he doesn't think he needs to be watched the whole time, Alice is already narrowing her eyes.

Are you sure about that, Allen. Are you really. Because Alice doesn't seem to agree.

"Allen, this is serious." Which she's sure he realises as well, and yet-- "We're talking about your life here. We can't just trust that everything will be fine. Only fools rely on just hope by itself."

Allen couldn't help but feel a little bit frustrated. He understood the seriousness of the whole situation, but there was so much he didn't know about, connections he didn't quite understand that he honestly didn't know how to go about anything with it.

"I know this is serious and I'm not relying on hope. I have to rely on myself most of the time. I did once have something in place for if I couldn't handle it, but I would rather not have to use that idea ever." There was a reason he was perfectly okay with Kanda doing the plan than those he considered close to. he felt like he couldn't do that to them.

Kanda had already stabbed him once before... so it was different. He could at least trust that he would be able to do it.

Well, at least it's good to hear that he is taking this seriously. Though..

"What was the idea?"

Of course Alice was going to ask that. It was inevitable the moment he brought it up. And she does realise she's being a bit pushy here, but come on, he can't expect to tell her about something that's a threat to his life and expect Alice to not fuss about it in her own way!

"I'm not saying that we have to implement it. I just want to make sure I know everything about this, in case it does end up happening in this place."

"You are going to get angry if I say." It wasn't exactly a brilliant idea, but more of a last resort idea. An idea that had to be done if nothing else was possible.

So he as sure she would get mad at it. But at the same time he was pretty sure he is meant to be saying, but he had no one he could say 100% he would be okay with doing it.

"But the plans was with someone I knew and was considered a last resort if I didn't manage to keep control and was basically them killing me." Now it was more obvious why someone might be mad about the plan.

Alice can't help but wonder what exactly this plan is that he's so convinced it's going to make her mad. It is just that stupid? Is it silly, ridiculous? That's the reason she's assuming, and she's trying to think of what the plan could be.

But then Allen says it himself. And she gets it. Of course he thinks it'd make her mad - because she always gets mad when his safety is on the line. And killing is about a lot more than just his safety. It's about his life itself.

Rather than getting mad though - or maybe it's just simmering deep down, who knows - the stare Alice gives him is almost a little more lost.

"What do you mean? Are you saying there wouldn't be any way to turn you back to normal? Would you be stuck like that until you die?"

"If he were to completely take control I'm essentially gone forever anyway, so there wouldn't be as far as I am aware." He thinks it's like it's another way of dying but instead of dying you just seem to fade away instead... which is not exactly a way he would like to go if he can help it.

"It was a plan both kanda and I came up with as a last resort as it's exactly that. A last resort. If it's to the point where I'm going to die either way, it's better we both do. But I'm at least wanting to find other ways first be it here or back home."

"Well.."

Her voice trails off, unsure of what to say at first. It's just such a wild thought. If Allen would arrive at that point, he would just be done for. No turning him back. He'd already be gone.

Alice hates that thought. She really does. Despite her being so often frustrated at him, it's really just because she worries about him. Because she doesn't want to see something happen to him, let alone see Allen disappear forever.

"If there is anything I can do to help in this place.. Let me know." She frowns. It's harder to say this, but if she isn't going to say it now, then how will she ever? "I.. don't want to see that happen to you, Allen. I don't want you to disappear forever."

"If there is you will be one of the first to be informed. But he knew as of this moment there wasn't anything except to simply keep an eye on things and hope that nothing does happen.

But that if he was lucky and usually that isn't the case.

But he soon smiled slightly. he was at least somewhat happy with what she said. "I'm glad that you said that. I don't either. it's why I at least try."

She feels an urge to scold him boil up. To tell him something like, 'don't be glad for as little as someone just saying they don't want you to disappear.'

But she understands it better than anyone. What it's like living while it feels like no one around you cares. While everyone just wishes you'd disappear from this world. Of course then you'd get glad for something as little as just one person saying that they don't want you to.

So she just nods.

"Alright."

Alice, at the very least, does believe he'll try. And maybe if she's there to keep an eye on things right alongside him, they can hope nothing will happen. Allen has made it so far and he's still alive, isn't he?

".. As long as you are aware that you're not alone."

"I at least understand it at this point. I know that running away from my problems even if it's to protect those I love is never a good idea." It's more been hammered into him, but it was odd how he worded it exactly.

But he at least understood that and he figured he was at least trying, even if his instant kept telling him otherwise.

"But... that's all there is to it and... I realised that I seem to trust you the most out of everyone here. I mean you know more about me than anyone else"

Oh god, Allen. Allen, what! Why did he suddenly have to slip in something like that? Alice may be growing used to at least acknowledging she has some friends here, but that has already been tough enough of a road for her.

So hearing him say something like that.. It's on another level entirely. Alice goes from looking completely caught off guard to looking extremely confused, then straight to awkward.

"Y.. You trust me the most?" She hates how she stammers, stumbling over her own words. Alice hates sounding weak in any way, but she's just unsure how to deal with the weight of that statement.

He wondered if he perhaps made a mistake or something at saying what he did. He felt bad but yet at the same time he was at least being honest.

Because of it he didn't know if he should say sorry or at least answer the question? Answering the question seemed like the obvious answer.

"Well yeah, I mean out of everyone on the train you know me the most, which... I am sure is a sign of trust."

It's little things like this that remind her that, despite appearances, Allen is in ways trying to figure out these kinds of things just as much as Alice herself is. How to deal with other people, how to deal with forming bonds, forming friendships. It always seems like Allen would be better at it, more well-adjusted, but sometimes he says these little things - I am sure is a sign of trust - that make Alice feel so much less out of her depth.

So even though she's a little flustered, it makes her regain some mental footing as she slightly nods.

".. Right. I just.." She shakes her head, trying to explain herself better. "No one has ever said anything like that to me."

No one ever trusted her. If anything, people just distrusted her. Constantly. Because she was too volatile, too violent. A threat. A risk.

Not a trusted friend.

"So you thinking about me like that.. It means a lot to me. I want to make sure to live up to that trust."

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mynameisallen - 2020-10-05 09:32 (UTC) - Expand

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